DELIVER UFROM EVILDearJustin,
I RECENTLYordered a package off Amazon,
but I had to work on the day it was scheduled
for delivery. Knowing that God is present in
all places at all times, I prayed to Him to ask if
He’d mind keeping an ear out for my doorbell
and then signing for the parcel when it arrived.
However, when I returned home from work,
I found only a ‘We called but you were out’
slip on the doormat. If God is truly loving and
omnipresent, why did He forsake me?
GrenvilleSpace-Vampires,LeicesterJustinsays:Godisindeedlovingand
omnipresent,soIdon’tbelieveforonesecond
thatHedidforsakeyou.Whatprobablyhappened
isthatGodmanifestedHimselfinyourhouseas
requested,andwaskeepingHisdivineearout
forthedoorbell,butunfortunatelyHehappened
tonipforapissattheexactmomentthedelivery
manshowedup.It’salwaystheway,isn’tit?I’m
sureGodwouldbemorethanhappytomanifest
Himselfatyourlocaldepotandcollectthepackage
foryou,ifyoupraytoHimagainandasknicely.
DearJustin,
MY NEXT-DOORneighbour was out
yesterday, so his parcel was delivered to my
house instead. I couldn’t resist taking a quick
peek inside, and when I opened the box I was
shocked to see he had ordered an inverted
crucifix, a Pentagram-emblazoned cowl and
a gnarled wooden staff with a rotting goat’s
head strapped to the top. I am now concerned
that my neighbour might be a practising
Satanist, and I’m not sure what to do when he
comes round to collect his infernal parcel.
MavisGlass-Cage,HampsteadHeathJustinsays:Godcertainlytakesadimviewof
worshippingtheAntichrist,Mavis,butI’mafraid
Hetakesanevendimmerviewofopeningother
people’smailwithoutasking.Withthatinmind,
I’dadviseyoutobefriendyourneighbourand
beginattendinghisBlackMasses,asyouwillnow
almostcertainlybejoininghiminthefi erypitsof
Hell.IfyoubeginpractisingSatanismonaregular
basis,youwillputyourselfinvaluablecredit
aheadofyoureternitywithBeelzebub,ratherthan
wastingyourremainingyearsveneratingaGod
whohasalreadyconsignedyoutotheabyss.DearJustin,
AS A DEVOUTChristian of many years, I am
planning to honour God’s glory by postinga
turd toProfessor Richard Dawkins. However,
I am concerned that if I apply the incorrect
postage, the turd mayfi nd its way back
through my own letterbox. Do you know how
many stamps I should affix in order to make
sure that Mr Dawkins receives my faecal
consignment safely?
EdnaRitualin-Thedark,CornwallJustinsays:The issue of mailing excrement
to Professor Dawkins was debated at length
by the General Synod last year. It was agreed
by all present that the most appropriate means
of dispatch is to seal the stool inside a padded
A4-size jiffy bag and send by recorded delivery.
That way, you can ensure not only that Mr
Dawkins receives it, but also that he suffers the
ignominy of signing for it, or – even better–
slogging all the way down to his local depot to
collect it! Good luck, and let us know how you
get on.DearJustin,
I RECEIVEDthree points on my driving
licence earlier this year when I knockeda
cyclist into a disused canal. I’m quite an
elderly lady, and I’m worried that if I pass
on within the next three years, the points
will carry over to the afterlife, thus making it
difficult for me to rent a car in Heaven. AmI
right to be concerned?
MildredESmith,Harrogate
Justinsays:Thanks for your query, MrsE
Smith. I’m afraid you needn’t worry about car
hire – or indeed anything else – in Heaven, as
God will view the acquisition of three points
on your licence as a sin, and you will therefore
be cast deep into the fiery pits of Hell when you
die. On the upside, though, car hire scrutiny in
Hell is famously lax, so you should have little
trouble renting a vehicle down there.Have YOU got a query about lost, damaged or
delayed mail that also relates in some way to
Anglican theology? Why not write in to: ‘Deliver
Us From Evil’ c/o the Archbishop of Canterbury,
Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQYOUR theological postal
enquiries answered by the
Archbishop of Canterbury,
JUSTINWELBY