ᔤ
I SAWon the news about how
we should all be saving bees
as they pollinate our food.Yet today
I saw dozens of them wasting time
pollinating the weeds in my back yard.
If they want our help, the least the
stripy little fuckers could do is meet us
half way.
Steve Lloyd,Wadebridgeᔤ
I WASappalled at the bias
of the BBC news the other
day, when they announced that the
famous racing tipster John McCririck
had died. In the interests of balance,
they should have immediately had
somebody on to put forward the
opposite point of view and say that he
was still alive.
Hampton Pilbeam, Letchworthᔤ
HAVEyou noticed that women
football players and pundits
talk as much shite as their male
counterparts do? There’s equality in
the game for you.
Ben,Farnhamᔤ
CANI please pass on some
advice to anyone attendinga
wedding at a golf course club house?
Apparently it is not considered
acceptable or funny to leave a fresh
BarnsleyTrout in the hole on the
18th green; despite there being no
signs anywhere warning against this
practice, it appears to be frowned
upon. This is especially true if the
movement is on the loose side.
Tim Buktu, TimbuktuᔤITrecently dawned on me that
anyonefromTexas,Alabamaor
Mississippi saying “ice cream” would
pronounce it so it sounded like “ass
cream.” I can’t help wondering if any
of these southern Americans visiting
the UK have ever eaten Anusol, or
stuck a raspberry ripple up their arse
as a result of the confusion.
Kirk Flatus, FileyTHErecent climate change
demonstrations really brought
home to me how close the planet is
to ruin. It disorientated me so much
that I didn’t realise I was in bed
with my sister-in-law until my much
more beautiful wife came home,
unexpectedly, and brought me to
my senses, thank God. As a result
of the protests, I’ve made serious
lifestyle changes including cycling to
work, recycling waste and sleeping
on the settee.
D F Kant, Northumberland
P.S. My darling wife Thelma regularly
scans theVizletters, and as she is
understandably not speaking to me at
present, please can I use your pages
to entreat her forgiveness for my
breakdown and my completely honest
mistake with her sister? And could
I also ask if she knows where the
remote control for the telly is?ᔤI WONDERif Brian Cox has
ever had afi ght in Durham’s
The Fighting Cocks.
Dudley Donnehugh, Liverpool
*Are you a regular in TheFighting
Cocks in Durham, and if so, have you
seen the TV particle physicist/
erstwhile pop star involved
in a punch up?Perhaps
somebody had a go at
him for spilling their
pint, or maybe he
started on somebody
for looking at his
missus.Write in
and let us
know.ᔤWHYisitthatontheseA&E
documentariesonTVyounever
seeanyonewalkinwithascrewdriver
stuckuptheirarse?Notthatthey’dbe
abletowalkin,ofcourse.
GerryPaton, LondonᔤI’VEjust read that the latest
security threat is the hackers’
use of spy cams via your mobile
phone. All I can say is, if anyone
wants to watch me bent over
wiping the crack of my arse after
I’ve spent 20 minutes sat on the
crapper scrolling throughFacebook
Marketplace, good luck to them.
Barry Onions, Saxilbyᔤ“SHEwore a raspberry beret,”
Prince famously sang. But
the pint-sized erstwhile tunesmith
failed to specify whether it wasa
beret made of raspberries, or a tiny
beret small enough tofi t a raspberry.
Either option would have looked
utterly ridiculous.
Rob Wilfort, CheshamᔤINSTEADof going to work,
try having a nice lie-in, a
late breakfast and then going out
for lunch and a few drinks with
friends. Afterwards you can have a
lie down for an hour or so and then
commence your evening as normal.
You’ll fi nd its a far more enjoyable
way to spend your day.
Jen Similia,TucktonᔤI KNOWit’slargelyirrelevant
now,butIwonderwhichofthe
twoTorypartyleadershipcontenders
wouldhavewonifthey’dhadahaircut
likethekidoutofStranger Things.
Derek Bugletoot, Croydon*That’s a good question, Derek, and
perhaps one which could be put back
to the electorate. So, readers, look at
the above picturess of Boris Johnson
and Jeremy Hunt with haircuts like
the kid out of Stranger Things and
put a cross next to the one you think
should be Prime Minister. Send your
ballot paper to: Stranger Things Prime
Ministerial Haircuts,Viz Comic, PO
Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ.
Please note that this ballot is only
open toViz-reading members of the
Conservative party.STRLETTER★eR C SᔤSCIENTISTSare always
going on about how
dinosaurs had a brain the size
of a walnut.Yet these enormous
reptiles died out at the end
of the Cretaceous period, 66
million years ago, and walnuts
didn’t evolve until 20 million
years later in the middle Eocene
era. Honestly, I think these so
called experts are making it up
half the time.
Bartram Golightly, Devon