- The Guardian
Thursday 1 August 2019 33
Adrian
Chiles
search for love – men concealing
wives, men her age pursuing
younger women – she had given up
on the male of her species.
Logan, on the other hand, has
been a constant in her life since she
adopted him a year ago. “He’s saved
me and I’ve saved him. ”
With dog ownership’s links to
lower stress, less loneliness and
better mental and physical health
well established, Hoad’s chances
of living happily ever after might
indeed be higher with Logan than if
she settled for some desultory date.
To even the score, Paul Dolan , a
professor of behavioural science at
the London School of Economics,
wrote in response to the ensuing
outrage that we “needed to start
by caring less about what kinds of
relationships other people choose
to have, and how they live their
lives. ” One might put the point to
This Morning. Tracey Emin married
a rock “because it’s not going any-
where” – but a dog will love you back.
Elle HuntDon’t fool
yourself – not
everyone is a
heavy drinker
I
t has been a while since I ’ve had the dreaded Saturday
afternoon call from a Sunday newspaper. It only ever
happens because they are planning to run something you
would rather they weren’t. This weekend it concerned a
rumour the Mail on Sunday had heard about me supposedly
dating someone. My blood temperature dropped; I hate
this stuff. My romantic life is no one’s business; I can’t believe
anyone’s interested anyway and it’s just generally mortifying. That
said, as a journalist, I would defend their right to write it. Apart
from anything else, I read a fair amount of that kind of drivel about
other people, so it would be hypocri tical to take another view. But
to give them any quote on a story like this is, to me, the fi rst step
down a steep staircase into hell. So all I ever issue is a terse no
comment. And when the story is published, I don’t even read it.
I just can’t bear to.
So it wasn’t until Sunday afternoon that I realised they had written
about my second marriage, to Maria Walsh, with whom I have a son.
A close friend from Belfast called me, indignant and hurt that I had
never told him about Maria and our progeny. The reason I had kept it
from him was simple enough: that I don’t know anyone called Maria
Walsh and, to the best of my knowledge, fathered no son with her or
anyone else. Admittedly, I am getting forgetful; why, only yesterday
I went to take some shoes back to a shop and forgot to take the shoes
with me. But it will be some time before I’m forgetful enough for
a marriage and a child to slip my mind. So I hereby break my no
comment rule to clarify this important matter: it’s wholly, totally
and utterly untrue.
It all started three years ago with a Daily Mail story that centred
around me leaving a pub with a woman probably described as “a
mystery brunette”. I say probably because, as
ever, I couldn’t bring myself to read the story.
Over the next few days I got several messages
asking about someone called Maria. I assumed
this was because the Mail had written that the
woman in the photograph was called Maria. But
then it transpired this was the fi rst mention in
print of my phantom marriage. Someone had put
it on my Wikipedia page. I assume this someone
had a friend called Maria Walsh who either loves or hates me and this
was a jolly jape. Whatever. I tried to get it taken down but Wikipedia
said I couldn’t, so I forgot about it, reasoning that any newspaper
that just copied out Wikipedia (perish the thought) would get what it
deserved.
But, having been in print that once, it just would not go away.
Eventually my editor at 5 Live got it taken off Wikipedia, and that
helped. But now the story is out there again. To be fair to the Mail on
Sunday, it took the reference out straight away, but all week I’ve been
doing badly at whack-a-mole trying to get it taken down on other
websites that have republished it.
As for compensation for this outrage, £10m should do it: £1 for
me, and the rest to be shared between every Maria Walsh whose
reputation is in tatters, having been accused of breeding with me.My daughters are away in Italy. Whether they’re out of
the country, or just walking along a road a mile away,
when I concentrate on worrying about them I can very
quickly drive myself deranged with anxiety. If only I
could have eyes on them all the time. I mention this
because they have sent me a picture of a bust of “some
random” in their hotel. #Uncanny and #unsettling, they
write, apparently of the opinion that this sculpture
watching their every move bears a strong resemblance
to their father. I can’t see it myself.This time last year I was busy
making a TV documentary about
drinking. Chastened by the
experience, I have had some (but
only some) success in moderating
my intake. I have become more
of a connoisseur of writing on
drinking (and there is a fi ne piece
by Gay Alcorn in this paper today ),
than of whatever I am drinking.
And there is one key fact that is
often missing from most articles,
including – until recently – mine.
Here is said fact, and do feel
free to amaze your friends and
infuriate your enemies with it.
Ask them what percentage of all
drinkers are consuming no more
than 14 units of alcohol a week –
that is around six pints of 4% beer
or a bottle and a half of wine. I have
never got an answer anywhere
near the right number. “Hardly
any” and “maybe 10% ” are the
most common responses. The
correct answer is 70%.
So, to be clear, most drinkers
are drinking moderately.
Counterintuitively, this is
absolutely critical for the rest of
us – the heavy-drinking 30% – to
understand. Whatever excuse we
use to keep drinking too much, it
cannot be: “Hey, it’s fi ne, everybody
drinks more than 14 units a week!”
It just isn’t true. We, the 30%, are
not the norm. And neither can we
opine that it is impossible to drink
14 units or less a week. It’s
not impossible; it can’t be, because
(sorry to bang on like a drunk at
last orders) 70% of all drinkers are
doing just that.
And by the way, they are not
possessed of special powers, this
silent majority. They are just less
idiotic than most of us in the 30%
who mindlessly tank it down,
telling ourselves it is perfectly
normal to do so. Whatever it is,
the one thing it isn’t, strictly
speaking, is normal.So I was married
to Maria Walsh?
It’s news to me
Keeping
a fatherly
eye on my
daughters
Say
what?Chris Hield,
a Lord of the
Rings superfan
from Buxton,
Derbyshire, has
built his very
own hobbit
hole, complete
with a circular
door and a log
burner. His
den, called Bux
End, has been
nominated
for the Shed
of the Year
competition.COVER: GETTY AND GNM IMAGING. THIS PAGE: GETTY (POSED BY MODELS)
as Wollaton is an affl uent area.”
Homes near the upmarket
supermarket chain enjoy the
“Waitrose eff ect”, commanding a
12% premium (£43,571) on average ,
according to research by Lloyds
Bank last year.
But the hand-wringing by local
residents may be unnecessary.
The value of homes near to budget
supermarkets such as Lidl rose by
a larger amount than those near a
Waitrose – up 15% over the past
four years, according to Lloyds.
Homes near a Lidl are worth £5,411
more than other properties in the
nearby area.
Meanwhile, discount stores are
increasingly popular with affl uent
shoppers. Attracting more middle-
class bargain hunters with cheap
cheese and wine has helped Lidl and
Aldi overtake Waitrose to become
the UK’s fi fth and seventh largest
grocers respectively, controlling
nearly 14% of the market, according
to analysts at Kantar , up from about
10% only three years ago.
The housing market analyst Neal
Hudson said the supermarket switch
was unlikely to make a diff erence
to house prices. “The presence of
a Waitrose refl ects a whole range
of demographic drivers that refl ect
why people buy in an area. You
are far more likely to fi nd that
something like a school changing its
catchment will aff ect prices. There
are bigger risks at the moment for
people worried about prices. With a
no-deal Brexit on the horizon, there
is more concern about that.”
Sarah Butler£10m should do
as compensation
for this outrage –
but only £1 for me
K
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