18 |1 AUGUST^2019 http://www.drum.co.za

Y

OUlogintoFacebook
andyourheartsinks.
Thereatthetopofyour
feedisapost froma
friendwho’spouring
outherheartaboutthe
deathofherbeloved
grandmother.
Assoonasyoufinishreadingyoucom-
mentonthepost,tellingherhowsorry
youareforherlossandofferherhandy
adviceabouthowshecangetthrough
thisdifficulttime.Itseemsasif it’sthe
rightthingtodo– buta newstudyshows
thatoftenthiskindofresponsedoes
moreharmthangood.
Intherecentsurveyconductedby
AmericanhealthwebsiteWebMDover
1 000respondentsrevealedwhenthey
weregrieving,theyfoundsocial-media
posts,messagesorunsolicitedadvice
pointless,irritatingand,inmost,cases
activelydistressing.
Commentssuchas“everythinghap-
pensfora reason”,“itcouldbeworse”
and“they’reina betterplace”wereindi-
cated as being among the most loathed
platitudes dispensed by friends and
acquaintances.
So how should you respond when
someone you care about is in mourning?
You can’t just ignore her loss but the last
thing you want is to say something that’s

justgoingtomakeherfeelworse.

It’s human nature to want to wrap up

the situation and tie it with a bow, says

Dr Seth J Gillihan, a psychology professor

at the University of Pennsylvania.

We yearn to say something that will

make the person feel better but as

well-intentioned as your words of com-

fort are, they may not be what a friend

needs to hear at that moment.

“We try to fix the person’s grief, to take

it away, either by minimising it, or by try-

ing to offer advice like, ‘This

was helpful to my aunt when

she lost her husband’,” Gilli-

han explains.

Others make the mistake of

disappearing because they

think the grieving person

wants space or out of fear

they might say the wrong

thing.

“Death is final, there’s nothing you can

do when someone has passed on, and

because an individual feels they don’t

have a solution, they often choose to stay

away,” says Charity Mkone, a psycholo-

gist for the South African Depression and

Anxiety Group (Sadag).

But it’s actually in grief that your

friends and loved ones need you the

most. Here’s a bit of guidance on what to

say and do.

WORDSOFCOMFORT

ON SOCIAL MEDIA

People often choose to break the news of

a death on social media because it’s the

quickest way of informing others about

their loss, says Johannesburg psycholo-

gist Venise Germanos.

“It also offers choice in engaging with

people’s condolences when the time is

right for the individual,” she adds.

In general, etiquette experts advise

that if this is how the grieving person has

chosen to communicate

their loss then unless you

know them very well, you

should stick to this medium.

If you send them a private

message they may feel

obliged to respond.

If the loss is fresh, post a

response to their message

on social media, then give

them a bit of space and reach out later.

However, if the person is a close friend

then she’ll definitely want to hear from

you. In thissituationit’sappropriatefor

you contactthemdirectly.

There’snouniversallyappropriate

thing to say,saysYoavVanderHeyden,a

Cape Townpsychologist.

“But keepinmindwhetheryou’re

sending amessagepersonallytosome-

‘We try to

fix the

person’s grief

by trying to

offer advice’

Offering

condolences

when a person

you careabout

has suffereda

loss is tricky.

Here’s how

not to miss

the mark

HOW TO OFFER

COMFORT

NEWS

(Turn to page 20)

GALLO IMAGES/GETTY IMAGES