Drum – 01 August 2019

GALLO

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market” can be daunting.

Thefirststepisjustgettingoutofthe

houseand venturingoutside your

comfort zone, says Durban psychologist

Carol-Ann Dixon.

“Go to places where people your age

might get together,” she says.

A good place to start would be getting

involved in hobbies or group activities

that interest you, Johannesburg life

coach Siobhan Jonker says.

“Do something you love, whether it’s a

sport or a hobby,” she says. “If you’re hav-

ing fun, you’ll radiate the kind of energy

that attracts people to you.

“Meeting someone through family

and friends is also a great way to connect

with others,” Jonker says. The advantage

here is it’s a safe space to meet new

people.

Before jumping into the jungle that

can be online dating (see box on next

page), ask friends and family if they

know anyone they think you might like

and could introduce you to.

This might be a better option than

online dating where you’re essentially

confronted with lots of strangers, which

can be unsettling.

KEEP AN OPEN MIND

Let’s be honest, when you’re no longer

a kid, you’re more likely to know what

you like, what you don’t like and what

you expect from a partner.

“So you may be less open to simply

meeting someone and just seeing what

happens,” says psychologist Dr Louise

Olivier. This can make dating difficult

because you’re too quick to decide some-

one isn’t for you.

Jonker says you need to give yourself

time to get to know new people without

expecting each new person to be exactly

what you’re looking for.

“Approach your date expecting to find

out who they are as a person, rather than

viewing them solely as a potential mate.

That’ll help prevent unrealistic expecta-

tions,” she advises.

TAKE YOUR TIME

When you’re older you might feel time is

of the essenceandnottobewasted, so

But try not to rush things. Keep in

mind that both of you might be dealing

with unresolved emotional issues after

the death of a partner or a divorce.

“Being older means knowing people

often carry the baggage of their past

experiences,” Olivier adds.

You need to make allowances for this.

Also, realise that while the idea of being

measured in the light of past experiences

isn’t always encouraging, it goes both

ways.

Give the other person the same under-

standing you’d expect, and realise that

this understanding takes time.

“It also means that you need to under-

stand where your own emotional bag-

gage is coming from,” Johannesburg life

coach Lindelwa Khoza says.

DEALING WITH THE FEAR OF

REJECTION

Being keen to date again doesn’t mean

you won’t be anxious about the prospect

of meeting new people, says Susan

Eksteen, a relationship therapist from

Krugersdorp in Gauteng.

In fact, it can be quite the opposite

when you’re older because you know

your body isn’t what it used to be. This

bringswith itthefearofrejection, (Turnover)

INNUMBERS

77%

of over-fifties who took part in a survey in the

UK said they’d kiss a partner in the first week of

dating, compared with 66% of younger daters. Researchers

reckon by the time you reach 50+ you are better at working

out who is – and isn’t – worth a kiss.

33%

of senior daters have asked

their children for dating advice,

according to the same UK survey. And morethan

one in 10 of them have asked their childrento

choose their online dating profile picture.

164

Thenumberofdaysit tooksenior

datersonaveragetoreachthe

pointofsaying“I loveyou”toa newpartner

• that’s 22 dayslongerthantheyounger
  generation.

WHEN IT’S DIFFICULT FOR

YOUR CHILDREN

It’s not uncommon for grown-up children

to struggle with a parent dating later in life,

fraught as the idea is with complex feelings

about loyalty towards their other parent

and concern for your wellbeing.

Buttheydoneedtounderstandthatthe

humanneedforintimacyandcompanion-

ship doesn’t change, no matter your age.

Don’t exclude your children from your

private life or avoid the topic, Durban

psychologist Carol-Ann Dixon says.

“Talk to them and explain that you’re

lonely and would like to meet someone.

Adult children can complicate matters by

wanting to give their stamp of approval

for your new partner.”

Tell them you understand their pers-

pective and fears, but don’t be embarrassed

by your desire to have a fulfilling rela-

tionship.

Also bear in mind the reactions of your

potential partner’s family.

Counselling for blended families is

sometimes needed.

Eksteen says, particularly when it comes

to intimacy.

When Deborah Moggach, whose novel

These Foolish Things was turned into

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