Woman’s Weekly UK – 06 August 2019

ROSEMARY

O

h,don’ttheymake a
lovelycouple?’
It is ClareandBen’sbig
day,andcomingfrom
Clare’smotheryoumightthinkthatwas
a bit rich. It seemsbarelyfive minutes
agothatshewasburstingintothe
charityshopandaccusingus– well,
accusingmereallyasI happenedto be
oncounterduty– of encouragingher
daughterto fraternise with the wrong
sortof men.
Asit happened,Benturnedoutto
beexactlytherightsortof manfor
Clareandhereweallareat the
church,strugglingto fight backtears.
Clare’smotheris fightingbacktears
because,well,thatis thejobof the
motherof the bride.I am fightingback
tearsbecauseMrDear– in theabsence
of Clare’sfather,andanunclewho
couldn’tmakeit fromCanada– is
walkingthe brideup the aisle (we have
beenseeingmoreof BenandClareat
DearTowersthan I mightpreviously
havelet on, and Clarepoppedthe
questionto MrD twoweeksago).Mr
Dearis fightingbackthe tears because,
well,heis a sentimentaloldthing
underthattough,moustachioed,
devil-may-careexterior,which,in truth,
foolsnobody.One day I will revealthe
identityof theformerhardwarestore
ownerwhohadto dabat hiseyeswith
a KleenexwhenEnglandwonthe
Ashesin 2005,butnowis neither
thetimenortheplace.
It has to be said that, couple-wise,
Clare’smotherhasnotonlyhitthenail
onthehead,butfoundthebullseye,
andputit in a nutshell,if that’snot
over-mixingmy metaphors.
Ben runs a modestvintageclothes
business– withtheoccasionalsideline
in any othervintageitemsthat come
hisway– andtheweddinghasa
slightlyvintagefeel. The bride’sdress,
forexample,hasa 1920sstyle,while
the groom is wearing a secondhand

morningcoat that he seemsto have

boughtfromoneof BertieWooster’s

moreraffishfriends.To add to the look,

he has a vintagegold pocketwatch.

Someof the guestshavealso entered

the spiritof the occasion,and have

comein tweedsuits,flapperdresses,

and1920sheadwear.MrDearand

I decidedthat we look vintageand

old-fashionedenoughas it is, without

usingourclothesto addto theeffect.

BendidpresentMrD witha rather

distinguishedset of top hat and gloves,

whichunfortunatelythe stand-infather

of thebridehasnoideahowto carry

whilealsodoinghisescortingduties.

Helookslikea magicianwhohas

temporarilymislaidhisrabbit.

Bytheway,hasanybodyelsenoticed

that pretty much the only time people

wearmorningcoatsthesedays– unless

theyarethePrinceof Wales– is at

weddingsandracemeetings?Is that

becauseboth occasionsinvolvea bit

of a gamble?Justwondering.

Anyway,weBritisharesticklersfor

traditionat weddings.Thebestman

absolutelymustmakeanembarrassing

speechof whichhewillbethoroughly

ashamedafterwards.Thebridesimply

mustthrowherbouquetintoa scrum

of guests,andthepersonwhocatches

it willalwayslookslightlybewildered.

Andthepersonbehindyouin church

mustALWAYSbebellowing tunelessly

at the top of their voice.

I didn’tknowtheladybehindme

• a rathertallwoman,probablyin her
  mid-50s– but she won’tbe troubling
  thejudgesonBritain’s Got Talentin the
  nearfuture.
  Shewasoneof thosesingerswho
  thinkthepointof a hymnis a) to sing
  it as loudlyas possible,and b) to finish,
  if possible,beforeeverybodyelse.
  Ishouldthinktherewerehillfarmers
  in Afghanistanwhosuddenly looked at
  eachotherin surprise.
  ‘Didyouhearthat?It soundedlike“I
  amWEAKbutTHOUARTMIGHTY”.’
  ‘No, no – musthavebeenthe wind.’
  ‘Wait!Thereit is again.Listen:
  “BREEEEEADOFHEEEAAAVEN.
  BREEEEEEEADOFHEEAAVEN”.’
  ‘Oh,that.That’lljustbesome
  weddingguestin a smallcountry
  churchin Englandsomewhere.You
  hearit allthetimein thesummer’.
  It was as she crankedup the volume
  for the final verse– the bit about
  openingupthecrystalfountain


• thatI suddenlyrealisedthepoint
  of takingtophatsto weddings.It’s
  sothatmenhadsomethingto jam
  downover their ears during the hymns.
  Youknow,
  beforethe
  invention
  of earplugs.

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‘The best man

absolutely must

make an

embarrassing

speech’

‘n’ tales

We bring you all the news from Ben and Clare’s wedding