Femina India – August 09, 2019

PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK *NAMES CHANGED ON REQUEST

IT'S YOUR FAULT

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Reema Singhania*a food
entrepreneur based in
Kolkata, remembers how
her ex used to resort to
a barrage of counter-
accusations when she tried
to call his bluff. The man
was accused of harassment
by several women in his
workplaces—he changed
jobs frequently—but she
was kept in the dark for
the longest time. But when
Singhania found out, all
hell broke loose. “He began
listing out my previous
affairs as if I had cheated on

Is your man suddenly

overloading you with

unnecessary details about

where he was or what he

was doing? Experts say you

shouldn’t take these voluntary

disclosures as a sudden burst

of “truthfulness”; it could

just be subterfuge and bluff.

Essentially, he could be

offering a barrage of useless

information to distract you

and cover up his guilt. “Note

the tone of his voice; he

could be talking excessively,

repeating phrases or giving

surplus information. The

person could also be changing

conversation topics rapidly

in order to distract you,”

cautions Mehta.

It’s not out of place for

your significant other

to not live up to certain

expectations. However, if he

overcompensates, consider

this as a red flag. Pinto faced

it with her partner. “Once,

he missed a date due to

work deadlines. The next

day, he got me flowers with

a gift and began cosying

up. I did think it was too

much for a missed date,”

she says. Deshmukh states

“compensating in kind” is

the standard practice of

those economical with

the truth.

Disclosingeveryfinancial

detailis nota parameterof

a successfulrelationship.

But,a reluctanceto

shareanytransactions

ordownrightlyingabout

money may indicate that

he is dealing with a fiasco.

“My ex was in a debt trap.

He was robbing Peter to pay

Paul! Whenever I tried to

ask him how much money

he owed, he would say

that he had already paid

creditors off. Of course, this

was far from the truth,” says

Meera Saha, a teacher in

a private school in Kolkata.

Experts say sometimes

people can lie because

they are too embarrassed

about certain aspects of

their lives, such as their

weak financial situation.

“Some may even fear being

judged. So, either they try

avoiding certain topics or

when pressured into talking

about it, they may cover

MONEY

MATTERS

ƒDon'tassumetheworst.

Don’tbetoosuspicious

either.Askyourselfif youare

readingtoomuchintoit.

ƒTellhimhowhis'secrets'

areaffectingyou.Needlessto

say,if youconstantlyfeel

thatyourpartnerishiding

things from you, you may

start to feel exasperated.

ƒ Don't be too

confrontational; take

a solution-oriented approach.

If you start blaming him, he

may not open up about why

he is being secretive. Instead,

think how you can help him

explain his behaviour.

ƒ Try to know why he's lying;

there may be some genuine

concerns. Sit him down for

a heart to heart chat. Try to

delve into his past.

ƒ Seek couple counselling, if

things go out of hand. Maybe

your partner would be more

comfortable opening up to

a counsellor, who can also

help in diagnosing what’s

ailing him.

DEALING WITH

A SECRETIVE

PARTNER

him.However,thefactis,

I neverhidmypastfrom

him.”Expertssaythis

is commonbehaviour

ofpeoplewhoarebent

onhidingthingsfrom

theirnearanddearones.

“Infact,hemayaccuse

youoflyingtohim,”

warns Mehta.

it up with lies–they may

believe telling the truth

will only make matters

worse,” explains Mehta. In

other words, try to find out

what your partner is really

embarrassed about.

Confrontation is an

important step