New York Magazine - USA (2019-11-11)

58 newyork| november11–24, 2019

The Opioid

Epidemic

Will End (Or at

Least Subside)

Start-up Bros Will—

I Hate to Say It and You Hate

to See It—Become Film Auteurs

AS WE BARREL TOWARD our bleak cinematic

future, in which deep-pocketed financiers invest

only in Marvel properties and/or movies in which

men punch each other over cars, it seems to me

that there is, quite unfortunately, only one group

of people left to turn to, one group of people who

have the funds, the insatiable lust for cultural

cachet, and the unhinged need to self- mythologize

that’s necessary for this particular endeavor. I am

talking about start-up billionaires.

There’s only one logical, harrowing conclu-

sion to this thought experiment: If and when

start-up billionaires begin exclusively funding

the movie industry (and some of them already

ee hat

s ut l ter

on start-up billionaires. Honestly, it’s kind of

hard to believe this hasn’t happened already.

Pondering this future, I can see it as clearly as

if Jeff Bezos were sitting next to me, showing it

to me on his helicopter phone (a phonethat’s

also a helicopter). Instead of gettingonehand-

jobby, The Social Network–esque tech-brobiopic

every few years, we’ll get one each month.Jack

from Twitter will purchase Annapurnaand

release a gauzy film about his meteoricriseto

technocratic power in the face of millionsof

dubious detractors, titled The Passionof @Jack.

Elon Musk will purchase the rights toeachof the

dueling Thai Cave Boy movies and mashthem

all into one, then center it on his maniacal,self-

serving version of the story: Thediverwho

bravely saved the boys is actually a“pedoguy,”

and Musk’s nonsensical, last-minute“kid-sized

submarine” saves the day instead.

I had to lie down for several hourswhenI

thought about what Mark Zuckerbergwoulddo

with a movie studio: He is going to makea roman-

tic dramedy about Facebook’s philanthropyarm.

(The title will be the thumbs-up symbol.) AndI

apologize for this last thing I am abouttotellyou,

but I’m also certain that we will beforcedto

endure both an origin story and a cinematicuni-

verse tied to Amazon’s Alexa. Whenwemeet

Alexa, she’s an Amazon Prime factory workerwith

dreams of ascending Amazon’s ranks;shetrains

herself so that she never has to pee or eatlunchor

experience the sensation of goinghomeand

speaking out loud to someone she loves.Alexais

soon promoted to head factory worker,where she

inspires her other factory workers by demonstrat-

ing the benefits of falling asleep standingupwhile

continuing to pack Prime boxes. Eventually,Alexa

meets her hero, Jeff Bezos (playing himself ),who

JUL 17

Fran Tuccio,
a longtime
Far Rockaway
resident,
is put on
alert for flash
floods.

I WILL WATCH MY HOUSE

SINK BENEATH THE WAVES By Fran Tuccio

I

GREW UP IN BROOKLYN, but my grandparents were born around the corner from here

inthe’30s.I’vehadthishousesince 1977 , soI’veseenlotsofchanges.Abouta yearorso

ago, I was informed by the Army Corps of Engineers that they had put my area of

Far Rockaway into a study. We have had really, really bad flooding since Sandy and since

theystartedthisdredgingproject upthere. Everytimethere is a raindrop,it’s nolonger

just rain; it’s a storm report. It’s a text message and an email telling us that the streets are

gonna be flooded. We have to watch the tide, too, because the water comes right up from

the streets and floods the cars out. I mean, it just never ends. After Sandy, we were walking

around in darkness and fear and had National Guard soldiers near the bridge and no

streetlights. I mean, it was really like living in a horror movie for a very long time, andI think

that’s what’s going to happen again. My family thinks I should just sell my house andleave,

and I’m not doing that. There have been people who sold and ran and left. There arealso

people who are still working on their houses post-Sandy who have not moved back inyet.

I was lucky I had flood insurance; otherwise, I probably wouldn’t be in my house now.

JUL 17

Drug-
overdose
deaths drop
for the first
time since
1990,the
CDC finds.

JUL 19

Disney
releases its
Lion King
remake.

PHOTOGRAPHS: STUDIO 51/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO (CHAIR); KAREL TUPÝ/ALAMY STOCK PHOTO (HEAD); JOE BUGLEWICZ/THE NEW YORK TIMES/REDUX (HYPERLOOP)