- The Guardian
Tuesday 30 July 2019
Looking to make a buck or
two? You would do well to
follow the lead of 15-year-old
Jaden Ashman. All he did was
develop an arguably unhealthy
interest in video games, which
has just seen him scoop nearly a million pounds in a
Fortnite competition. It’s as easy as that.
But what to do if you’re not a teen with
the time and energy to sit and burn in
front of your Xbox? Here’s a guide to
getting your child to the pinnacle of
esports glory:
How to turn
your child into
a Fortnite
millionaire
- Invest properly
There was a time when the best
thing a parent could do was to spend
money on the fundamentals : maybe
a private English tutor, perhaps
some tennis lessons. But those
things won’t make anyone rich.
For that, you’ll need a TV, an X box,
a good pair of blackout curtains,
a wide selection of moderately
healthy snacks, a sun lamp, one of
those cool chairs with speakers in
the arms and as many adolescent-
sized nappies as you can lay your
hands on. - Start small
Nobody expects your child to
become a Fortnite master instantly,
because it is a complicated
game that requires advanced
dexterity and at least a working
knowledge of murder. Start
them off with something
easier, such as a Sago
Mini iPhone game, then
gradually work up through
Angry Birds , Tetris and
Rocket League until they’re
ready for the big time. But
remember, don’t let them play
anything too existential, because
it’s hard to regain motivation after
grinding through a cinematic
meditation on the futility of life
( The Last of Us , I’m looking at you).
3. B e s p e c i fi c
Think of esports as an equivalent to
actual physical sport. If you wanted‘Wonderfully
inane’: the PM’s
fi rst photos
If you had told me, when I was
a cottage-loaf-shaped 13-year-old
with a Meat Loaf ponytail living
in provincial Britain, that one day
Vogue would cover its September
issue with photos of 15 women of
diff erent ages, ethnicities, gender
identities and political passions,
under the banner Forces for
Change, I would have burst my DMs
from dancing.
This year, the Vogue September
issue has been co-edited by Meghan
Markle and Edward Enninful. I feel
about the royal family the way mostHands in pockets as he pauses on
the stairs before going to see the
Queen, Boris Johnson looks at once
conscious of the weight of history
and boyishly proud. However, while
“Action this day” was the wartime
slogan of Johnson’s hero, Winston
Churchill , the fi rst behind-the-
scenes photographs of the new PM
by Andrew Parsons , which were
splashed by several newspapers,
show that an appropriate motto for
Johnson is “Bullshit this day”.
If he isn’t announcing a new
railway, he is thoughtfully staring
at three laptops or talking intently
with some men and a woman. And
yet, like Churchill, he must be seen
to be relaxed under pressure. In one
photograph, he has put his feet up
and we get a view of the worn soles
of his shoes – still the scruff at heart.
I especially like the one of
Johnson pointing at himself on a
huge TV screen. What a wonderfully
inane moment. These pictures have
been touted for their authenticity.
A parallel is clearly intended with
Pete Souza’s intimate reportage of
Barack Obama’s White House. Yet
Souza’s pictures had the weight
of history because Obama was theWhy Meghan’s
Vogue is bang
on trend
Name: The Red Room.
Age: It’s from the programme Stranger
Things, so probably about 35.
Appearance: A darkroom.
But it’s just a red room, isn’t it? That guy
keeps being all like: “G et out of my special
red room .” Trust me, it’s a darkroom.
It’s more red than dark, though ... Look,
I saw Stranger Things, too, and I know
exactly what you’re talking about. It’s a
darkroom.
I’ll meet you in the middle – it’s quite
a dark red. No, it’s a photographic
darkroom. That’s the thing that it is. I know
what it is.
Then you’re the only one. What?
Nobody else knows what it is. “He puts the
photo in water and this somehow makes
it more clear?” a viewer asked on the Q&A
website Stack Exchange, causing some
consternation online. Oh God.
Pardon? I mean, this is the whole problem
with the world today, isn’t it? Nobody
understands process any more. You have
a magic computer in your pocket and it
means you’ll never know the glory of
tangible, real-world process. You don’t
know how to typeset . You don’t know how
to boot a fl oppy disk. And, clearly, you have
no idea how to develop photographic fi lm.
OK, so explain it to me. It’s a darkroom.
The Stranger Things character Jonathan
takes photos on his camera, then goes into
a special dark room to develop them. It
has to be dark, because too much light will
destroy the negatives.
And how do you turn negatives into
photographs? That’s easy. You take the fi lm
and soak it in chemicals, then you hang it up
for a few days.
And then what? And then you put a bigger
piece of paper in the water, and get a little
telescope out, and then ... oh fi ne, look, I
don’t know.
I knew it! Yes, but I do still know what a
darkroom is. I’m not an imbecile.
Are you age-shaming me? No, but this
never happened in my day. When I
watched someone on TV using a quill, I
didn’t go on the internet and write: “What is
the purpose of the information feather?”
Only because the internet didn’t exist
then. Exactly. I did things the old-fashioned
way instead, by seeking out a librarian and
verbally asking her what the purpose of
the information feather was.
And? It turns out that a quill is a direct
precursor to the modern pen.
What’s a pen? Stop it.
Do say: “ I’ve never felt so old.”
Don’t say: “ Will their kids have heard of
newspapers?”
No 4,024
The Red Room
Pass notes Shortcuts
your child to become a champion
footballer, you wouldn’t send them
on a month-long intensive snooker
course. It’s the same with esports.
If your kid wants to be a Fortnite
champion, make sure they focus
on Fortnite. Every second spent
playing Grand Theft Auto will be
a second wasted. Your fortune
depends on this.4. Teach your child how to
trash-talk
Your child will be playing many of
their games online in a terrifying
virtual arena in which eight-year-
olds scream a non stop volley of foul
swearwords through their headsets.
If you want your child to keep up,
perhaps off er them a crash course in
angry swearing. Maybe binge-watch
The Thick of It, or let them sit in the
car while you try to drive through a
busy town centre.5. Laugh at the
professionals
They warned that screen
time would make your
child sedentary. They
said it limit ed cognitive
development. They said
it cause d headaches and
reduced attention span.
But they didn’t say it
would also get your kid
a massive house, which
it defi nitely will. Screen
time is brilliant!
Stuart HeritageThe Guar
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