Page 24 Daily Mail, Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Bear with me: An expression only
to be employed when accompanied
by a wild hairy mammal.
Betwixt: An excellent word to use
to denote a pause between separate
fingers of a popular chocolate-based
biscuity comestible. ‘Having hereby
consumed one finger, I am now
licking my forefinger betwixt.’
Comma: There is no comma after a
comma. Thus, when writing the
sentence: ‘There is no comma after
a comma,’ it would be incorrect to
write it like this: ‘There is no comma,
after a comma.’ If ever a discussion
as to whether or not a comma is
appropriate continues for over an
hour and a half, the second ‘m’ in
‘comma’ may be dropped.
Discotheque: There is no such
thing as a discotheque.
Egad: A suitable word for the
expression of
surprise at
an unexpected
achievement, e.g.,
‘Egad! I see the Rt
Hon Chris Gray-
ling, Esq., M.P. has
managed to tie up
his shoelaces!’
Email: There is
no such thing as
an email.
Esq.: To be placed
immediately after
the surnames of
all non-titled Brexiteer colleagues,
for example Mark Francois, Esq.,
M.P.. The term ‘Esq.’ is a foreshort-
ening of the good old English word,
‘grotesque’. It is also used to denote
any Member of Parliament who was
born and/or brought up as an
Esquimau, though there are merci-
fully few Esquimaux currently
elected to the House of Commons.
Farthing, penny: When no other
means of transport is available, the
Leader of the House of Commons
will avail himself of his penny
farthing.
Fit for porpoise: Were I to be told
that such-and-such a school is ‘Not
fit for porpoise’, I would conclude
the school in question was ill-suited
to the education of a mammal that
lives in the sea, swims in groups and
looks similar to a dolphin, though
with a shorter, rounder nose.
Forsooth: An excellent word to
employ when attempting to make
headway with a decent, hard-
working fellow from the North of
England by mimicking his accent.
Northern fellow: ‘Ah’m goin’ doon
sooth tomorra.’
The Rt Hon Jacob Rees-Mogg,
Esq., M.P.: ‘Good for you, “mate”!
And how for sooth are you planning
to venture?’
Full stop: A full stop should only beused after the phrase ‘full stop’
if the phrase happens to be
concluding the sentence of which it
is a part, e.g., ‘This sentence ends
with a full stop.’
Get up: Many popular songs are,
I regret to say, lamentably
ungrammatical. A case in point is
Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex
Machine by James Brown, Esq.,
with its appalling first verse:
Fellas, I’m ready to get up and do
my thing
I wanna get into it, man, you
know,
Like a, like a sex machine, man,
Movin’, doin’ it, you know.
If this verse is ever quoted at the
Despatch Box, then it must first be
rendered into proper English, i.e.,
My good fellows, I am ready to
ascend and pursue my purpose,
I want to insert
myself into ‘it’,
whatever ‘it’
may be,
In a way not
dissimilar to
something
unmentionable,
now there’s a
good chap,
Transporting it
and making it
productive, it
goes without
saying.
Going forward: This unpleasant
expression is not to be used in
documents. It suggests progressive
inclinations that are wholly
unacceptable to a civilised society.
‘Going backward’ is the only
acceptable alternative.
Ha ha ha: It is rude and unseemly
to laugh with one’s mouth open. A
wry smile is the most acceptable
reaction to an amusing joke.
If an exclamation is unavoidable,
then a tight-lipped ‘He he he’
is preferable.
Lovely jubbly: Prime among
my list of banned words and
expressions. It would, for instance,
be unforgivably coarse to describe
the most recent balance of payment
figures as ‘Lovely jubbly’. Other
banned expressions include ‘LOL’,
‘Groovy’, ‘Gobsmacked’ and
‘Chillax’, particularly when applied
to the consequences of remaining in
the EU after October 31.
Mobile phone: There is no such
thing as a mobile phone.
Mwah: Unattractive ‘sucky’ noise
produced when lips are applied to a
cheek and/or cheeks in a method of
greeting practised widely on the
continent of Europe but soon to be
outlawed in the United Kingdom.
The correct form of greeting
remains, of course, the handshake.JACOB REES-MOGG’S STYLE GUIDE (PART 1)
Craig
Brown
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/craigbrownThe new Leader of the house of Commons,
the Rt hon Jacob Rees-Mogg, esq., M.P., has issued
his staff with a guide for writing documents...How to make
your grammar
fit for porpoise
РЕЛИЗ ПОДГОТОВИЛА ГРУППА "What's V1News" VK.COM/WSNWS