Page 58 Daily Mail, Tuesday, July 30, 2019
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LETTERS
Another fine mess
I’ve got myself in
S
everal years
ago, my wife and
I went to a
restaurant at
eastbourne’s
Sovereign Harbour.
During the meal I was making
a point with a sweeping
gesture and knocked a glass of
red wine onto my lap.
I was wearing a pair of cream
trousers, so you can imagine
how I looked.
When we left the restaurant, I
put my jacket on, hoping it
would cover at least some of
the stains. Not a chance!
We were on holiday and I had
to soak the trousers and my
shirt in the bath at our hotel
room. I hung them on an
outside clothes line and most
of the wine stain came out.
a couple of years later, wewere back in eastbourne and
went to the same restaurant.
We were joking that this was
the scene of the wine incident.
I was very careful this time
not to make extravagant hand
gestures. all was going well
until the food arrived. We both
had fish with slices of lemon.
My wife claimed that if she
stuck her fork in the lemon
and squeezed it, the juice
wouldn’t shoot all over her.
She demonstrated this and it
was true. It shot all over me
and down my shirt. My wife
apologised, but was obviously
stifling a laugh.
I just sat there and gave her
one of those looks that Oliver
Hardy always made whenever
Stan laurel did something
to him.
Don Townshend,
Chelmsford, Essex.Picture that!
Today’s poem
Out of the mouths of babes
Our four-year-old grandson
Will was leaving for Greece,
the family’s second visit to the
same resort on rhodes.
He was beyond excited when
he discovered his favourite
rep, Jessie, was still there.‘I’m going to take her a
present, Mummy,’ he said.
‘How lovely! What do you want
to buy her?’ said our daughter.
‘I think I’ll get her a box of
hair dye,’ he replied.
S. Symonds, Danbury, Essex.Sign language
One-line
Philosophers
O are churches built with tall
steeples to in-spire us?
Paul C. Tabor,
Bishops Stortford, Herts.
O If I had a penny for my
thoughts, I’d be quids in.
Warren Brown,
Falmouth, Cornwall.Your jokes
I GOt so angry at my computer
that I shouted: ‘alexa, get lost!’
It took a month to watch all
those episodes.
Tony Sandy,
Crookedholm, Kilmarnock.Wordy Wise
NOAH’S LARK — he tells
gangplank attendants to
search the porcupines for
concealed weapons.
Mark Wraith, Newark, Notts.
PONTIUS PILATES — roman
fitness guru.
Philip Turner, Stockport, Lancs.
HATERED — but love all the
other colours.
Harold Askew, Carnforth, Lancs.
THE FLYING WICKETS — a band
that will bowl you over.
Ian Jopson, Cardiff.
LAZY GODIVA — couldn’t be
bothered to put her clothes on.
Valerie Ashton, London N14.
ABRIDGE TOO FAR — biopic
about cut-throat editor.
Vincent Hefter, Richmond, Surrey.THE POWER OF TWO
Where, oh where, are
you hiding?
I can’t seem to find
you today.
The ‘you’ that is you, is
still somewhere,
Albeit capricious and fey.
Betimes, when some
yesterday music
Inspires you to tapping
your feet,
I see you emerge from
the shadows
Like a memory.
Fleet. Bittersweet.
Tho’ lowering clouds
fast encroaching
Mean soon we must walk
in the shade
Bright tapestries
already woven
Will never unravel or fade.
And still, and still we
are weaving,
The threads both fragile
and rough.
Working the
pattern together
And this... precious boon...
is enough.
Tricia Sturgeon,
Mundesley, Norfolk.Limerick
It’s me again, Number
Ten’s Larry,
Seems I’m stuck now with
Boris and Carrie,
I’ll give it a shot,
It might work — but if not,
I’ll move in with Meghan
and Harry.
I. G. Fenner,
New Milton, Hants.AN IRONING BOARD? JUST
PUT IT ON MY BILL: This
notice was in our hotel
room in Savannah,
Georgia — a very polite
way of saying ‘Don’t
steal’! Surely they would
have noticed someone
walking out with an
ironing board?
Barb Chapman,
Bognor Regis, W. Sussex.OFF-BEAK
TRAVELLER:
This swan at
Barnes Pond,
London, seems
to be trying to
get on a bus
to Hammersmith
Bridge.
Andrea Nott,
London SW13.Write to: Daily Mail Letters,
2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT
email: [email protected]PETERBOROUGH
email: [email protected]
The missing GPs
YOu shouldn’t be at all surprised if
you can’t get an appointment with
your GP (Mail). the Government
spends £140 per head per year on all
primary care services.
to put that in perspective, that is
the same as two months’ Sky
subscription or one large coffee a
week. You get what you pay for.
there are three solicitors for each
GP, so you can see where our national
priorities lie.
Dr TIM HOWARD,
Corfe Mullen, Dorset.
I Have been a GP for 31 years. every
year more paperwork gets given to
us. Much of it is incredibly time-
consuming and results in clinical
time with patients being lost to
enforced box-ticking.
If it doesn’t make anyone better,
why not scrap it? unfortunately
there is no chance of that happening
and I expect Matt Hancock will
follow Jeremy Hunt in making life
difficult for GPs and patients.
Dr M. CARDWELL,
Ramsgate, Kent.
MY GP practice is marvellous. they
use a system called Doctorlink,
which enables you to type in your
symptoms. It will advise if you need
an appointment and then you are
able to book if necessary.
You may be offered a telephone
consultation and a GP will call later
in the day. If you do need to ring the
surgery, you are no longer kept on
hold for ages as the new system has
cut the need for most calls.
the reception staff are always help-
ful and I can usually see a GP within
a week. Maybe other practices could
look into using this approach.
SUE DRYSDALE, London SE25.A shock for Corbyn
lIke him or loathe him, it would be
impossible to deny Boris Johnson
owned the House of Commons
during his first address to Parliament
as our new Prime Minister.
He spoke with uplifting enthusiasm
and clarity, which impressed his own
benches, but did not go down well
with the labour front bench.
Jeremy Corbyn looked visibly
shaken as if he’d just witnessed a
wild animal breaking loose from his
cage and roaring into action.
He concentrated on the words
written in front of him, stuttering
and spluttering through his response,
demonstrating to all sides of the
House that these two antagonists
were far from evenly matched.
It appears that Boris will be likely
to dominate their future exchanges.
Boris talked of a new era in
Parliamentary proceedings while
offering an olive branch to those who
might oppose him in the future — on
both sides of the House.
Corbyn knows how to complain,
object, obstruct, refuse, criticise and
generally turn his back on any
constructive debate.
He’ll be no match for the seasoned
speaker who has lined up his new
Cabinet as a prelude to what looks
like an inevitable General election in
the coming months.
TONY EDWARDS, Ockham, Surrey.Stop the bullies
I fullY agree with the campaign to
stop childhood bullying.
almost every week we hear of a
child killing themselves, and in most
cases there is bullying involved.
Bullying has always gone on in the
playground, but years ago the
perpetrators would have been
severely punished, as they would for
breaking any school rule.
the ‘punishments’ meted out now,
if any, are soft, and youngsters soon
catch on they can escape with a
‘talk’. Plus some parents don’t seem
to take any responsibility for their
nasty child and turn on the school if
that behaviour is pointed out.
What is worse now is that child-
hood bullying can be carried into the
home by social media.
I can think of nothing so abject as a
child dreading going to schoolbecause of bullies, knowing that the
torture will carry on when they are
back in what should be the safety of
their own home.
Bullying seems to be on the
increase, which is not surprising,
given the way society operates. It
must be taken seriously or we are
going to have lots of neurotic and
unhappy children needing mental
health treatment.
Please support our children: we
choose to have them, they don’t ask
to be born!
SHEILA HARDING,
Benllech, Anglesey.Foreign aid fiasco
IN reSPONSe to the comment
about foreign aid going into India’s
space programme (letters), in
addition it has spent £352 million on
a huge bronze statue in Gujarat and
£218 billion on gold over ten years.
the country spends 2.5 per cent of
its GDP on its military — mostly
russian weapons — but only 1.2 per
cent on health and 5 per cent on the
education of its children.
Why are we sending aid to India,
China, North korea and Iran when
we can’t fund elderly care and press-
ing social needs in this country? It’s
an obscene waste of taxpayers’
money and must stop.
D. & J. FAIRMAN,
Longwell Green, Bristol.On the right track
I was based in taiwan for more than
20 years where humid, hot summers
do not interrupt the excellent rail
services, just like neighbouring Japan
and South korea.
I have been on long rail journeys in
thailand, Malaysia to Singapore,
australia, India and Spain, and can’t
recall disruptions due to weather,
unlike what happened in Britain
during the recent heatwave.
PETER HOLMES,
Burley in Wharfedale, W. Yorks.Camera lens in a flash
WHat’S all this nonsense about
imports from the eu being held up
because of Customs issues?
One Monday, I ordered a camera
lens from the u.S. — even with post-
age and duty, it was still a big saving
on the uk price. It was delivered on
the thursday.
the Customs duty was paid to the
seller, who I assume will hand the
money over to HMrC, otherwise my
order wouldn’t have been delivered.
Ok, it was just one item, but if all
the necessary paperwork can be
done by the seller, where’s the
problem? and this from a seller 8,000
miles away.
Had I bought 100 or 1,000 of the
same item, I’m sure the process
would have been the same.
TERRY PRATT, Walderslade, Kent.Magic great grandad
WHat a delightful letter from three-
year-old ted’s 77-year-old great-
grandfather (Mail) joyfully telling us
all that they do together.
I look after my young grandson
once a week and I can only say that I
must try harder!
SUE TURNER, Kinlet, Shropshire.HAVE you lost a relative or
friend in recent months whose
life you’d like to celebrate? Our
column on Friday’s letters page
tells the stories of ordinary
people who lived extraordinary
lives. Email a 350-word tribute
to: [email protected] or
write to: Extraordinary Lives,
Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street,
London W8 5TT. Please include a
contact phone number.CELEBRATE LIFE
OF A LOVED ONE
Anagram
Trump’s nightmare =
Triumphant germs!
Tony Crafter, Sevenoaks, Kent.