Your Baby – July 2019

84 | JULY & AUGUST 2019

Picture: Gallo Images/Getty Images

“IS HE YOURS? Where did you get
him? Was it expensive?”
Those were her first three questions,
asked in quick succession in the middle
of a shopping centre – a perfect stranger
who could not contain her curiosity.
I was caught off guard. And so, instead
of protecting my child’s privacy, I found
myself enduring the discomfort and
indulging her. I tried to reframe all of her
questions to soften the blow, but they hit
us hard all the same.
My four-year-old son’s demeanour
went from playful and silly to solemn
and introverted, until eventually he was
sucking his thumb and staring at the
floor. A few nights after the incident he
was downcast. “What’s the matter?”
I asked. “I’m disappointed,” he said.
“Because you and me don’t have the
same skin.”
It was hard not to dissolve. I tell my
son often that his skin is beautiful and
that we must love the skin we’re in.
But, I get that he just wants to blend in,
because so do I. Mostly, I want the world
to know that I am his and he is mine.
Because if we had the same skin, people
would assume that, and they certainly
wouldn’t question us the way they do.
On another occasion in the same
shopping centre I was asked, “Was he
expensive?” I fumed and said, through
gritted teeth, “Well I didn’t buy him, so
I think what you’re trying to ask is: ‘Is it
expensive to adopt?’ No, it isn’t.”
When my son was a baby, we were in
a restaurant when an old man walked
past and muttered at me: “Where did
you find that?” Incredulous, I snapped:
“On the side of the road! Where do you
think?” I wanted to punch him.
My stories echo those of other

BABIES

HEART

of the

Some grow in your

tummy, others grow

in your heart

Adopting transracially means

becoming a conspicuous family.

That in turn means dealing with

a barrage of inappropriate questions

from inquisitive strangers. Karen

Read shares her personal experience

TRANSRACIAL ADOPTION

How to

deal with

curiosity

adoptive parents, says Robyn Jacobs,

a clinical psychologist at Arise, a Cape

Town-based non-profit organisation that

promotes foster care and adoption.

Why do people think it’s okay to ask

intrusive questions of adopted parents?

Perhaps they don’t think of our children

as being our “own”, since we’re very

obviously not biologically related. And

that this somehow gives them licence to

pass comments and ask questions that

are often downright inappropriate and

insensitive, including whether the child

was orphaned or abandoned, or how we

“got” the child. Very often these questions

are asked in the presence of the child.

“Being prepared for such questions

is critically important, since the

parent of an adopted child is both

an ambassador for adoption and the

protector of their child,” says Jacobs.

“In every circumstance, your role of

protector is paramount, even when it’s

socially awkward,” she says.

“You will have to make a ‘snap

situational analysis’ to decide how to

answer the question, depending on your

relationship to the person asking and the

developmental stage of your child.”

Jacobs says responses tend to fall

into three categories: educational,

privacy guarding and light hearted. An

educational response might be: adopting

a child is not madly expensive. Some

organisations charge on a sliding scale.

An example of a privacy-guarding

answer is: “My son’s adoption story

belongs to him; it’s for him to decide

with whom he wants to share it.”

A light-hearted response may be: “His

‘real’ mother? I am his real mother. I’m

definitely not faking it! I do all the things

a ‘real’ mother does.”

Robyn says it’s important to respond

since some comments and questions can

trigger difficult feelings and thoughts

for your adopted child. Responding

well helps your children build a strong

identity, fosters attachment between you

and them, and can be an opportunity to

show empathy with a child who might

be reminded of their loss (of biological

family). “Lastly, the child learns how to

respond well to comments and questions

themself,” she says.

We can’t just ignore the questions, she

says. Not only will you have to address

the person asking the questions, you

might need to speak to your child later,

to help them process the comment.

I apologised to my son for how

I handled the curious woman. I will be

better prepared next time. YB