Dr Shefali Batra, Psychiatrist and Cognitive Therapist, is the
Founder of Mindframes and Co-founder of Innerhour.
She is available at [email protected].
read more at mindframes.co.in and theinnerhour.comand make you believe that whatever
you do for them is as if a favour and
that you actually need their support.
For the initial part, everybody
wants to please friends to gain their
acceptance. However, later these
friends feel upset and resentful that
they are unable to get their way with
you because they are too used to
making you do things their way. You
lose your individuality. Such people
have a knack of controlling you and
need the power differential. You’re
always lower than them in their eyes
and you often do not realize it.
Conditioners
Some people play the if and
then game a lot, and when you’re not
smart enough, you could fall into
the trap of believing that if you did
not do what they wanted, then you
are not a good enough friend. You
lose your own self-respect and self-
faith, and by the time you realize
it, you are stuck in that friendship
situation. This happens a lot when
you are seeking self-fulfilment
through others. Guilt becomes
your motivational driver, you
begin to do everything you never
wanted, and this doesn’t help you
grow in any way. Friendship is real
when unconditional.
Narcissists
You must have encountered
people who just cannot see beyond
themselves and are upset when you
pay attention to anyone other than
them? They blame you for rejecting
them when all you needed after all
their demands was to have a little
time with yourself. They create
havoc both ways — when they
are happy and content with the
importance they demand from you
(you are drained) as well as when
they are flustered when you don’t
give it to them (you are frustrated).
You feel miserable and exasperated
either ways. Friendships are a
mutual give and take connection.
Narcissism does not allow people
to give and hence the perpetual
mismatch.Passive depressives
Do you remember the time when
you tried to speak positively to a
friend who had done poorly in the
exam and he or she kept saying —
“what do you know”? You just get
all the marks and teachers love you
and I have to struggle so much all the
time. While it is right and humane
to support those who are not feeling
good, and help them out of their
sadness, the mood of a depressive
and passive person can be contagious.
If you are not mindful enough, youcan get sucked into their pessimistic
outlook. You feel angry and might
even begin to believe it’s your fault
that they’re not feeling good.Satirists
Sarcasm is not healthy. We don’t like
to be taunted and criticized. Satirists
are sarcastic people who are not open
about the aggression they feel for you.
They take full charge in attacking you
and exposing your vices and follies.
We all have weak points but do we
need designated people in our lives
to remind us of these in a scornful
and condescending way? Sarcasm
is usually toned with wit, and the
message they’re giving may lead you
to a positive outcome, but is never
motivating. The intent to hurt is more
than the desire to inspire.Gossips
This is a two-edged sword that
holds greater power to slice you. A
large majority of people gossip, and
you could be one who does it too.
Partaking in the grapevine appears
to keep you in the loop of worldly
happenings, but nothing positive
comes out of hanging around the
gossip mongrel (or being one). They
are deceitful, trap you in their game
plan and use your inputs to gossip
about you at the next available
opportunity. Sooner or later this
gets under your skin and makes you
wonder who really is your friend
or foe. There’s more to fruitful and
productive friendships than
baseless banter that attacks
someone’s reputation. Best
avoided.Here is a toxicity checklist. Use
it on people in your life.
Are you trying hard to fix their
problems?
Are you covering up or hiding
for them?
Do you often dread seeing
these people?
Do you feel drained after
being with them?
Do you get angry/sad when
around them?
Do they make you gossip or be
nasty?
Do you feel you have to impress
them?
Are you affected by their life’s
problems?
Is it all about them and less about
you?
Do they not want to hear no for
anything?Some relationships are casual and
they don’t get under your skin.
Others can be deep and then the pain
they give cuts you deeper. Choose
wisely and be safe. This awareness is
itself your vaccine and will save you!Some relationships are
casual and they don’t
get under your skin.
Others can be deep and
then the pain they give
cuts you deeper. Choose
wisely and be safe.