‘I needed
to just feel
human again,
I needed to find
me again’pregnancy & birth
L&L | AUGUST 2019 | 31I spent so much money on doctors
and tests to find out why I couldn’t
conceive − I even went
to a homeopath and
an endocrinologist.”
Bianca and Justyn
finally decided to see a
specialist at a fertility clinic
in Johannesburg. Once
again, all the tests came
back normal – there was
no reason she shouldn’t have been
able to conceive. “This was
very frustrating for me, because
something had to be wrong and
I just wanted answers,” Bianca says.
The diagnosis
After a second series of tests, a
specialist discovered Bianca wasn’t
ovulating, so would, therefore,
never be able to fall pregnant
naturally. “I couldn’t believe it.
He told me that I would need in-
vitro fertilisation (IVF) or artificial
insemination (AI) in order to conceive.
I was shattered by the news.
“I went into a really dark place
after that,” she says, but consoled
herself with the hope that fertility
treatments would help her dream
of becoming a mom come true.
The couple took the next step. Bianca
had to have hormone treatments for a
month in the hope that
her cycle would return.
“We tried to conceive
after the month on the
hormone treatments,
but once again the
pregnancy test was
negative. We probably
spent around R50 000 on
doctors, clinics, blood tests, procedures,
medication and vitamins. We tried
for three months. Every month the
pregnancy test was negative and the
doctors couldn’t tell me why. I couldn’t
understand what was wrong with my
body. I felt like a failure,” says Bianca.
The next step was IVF, but Bianca
says she just couldn’t go through with
it. “I was broken as a person, I just
had nothing left to give. It was a very
contentious issue between my husband
and I. He wanted to go forward and give
it everything we had. But I needed to
just feel like a human being again,
I needed to find me again. At this point,
I felt I’d had so many tests done, and
been pricked and prodded so many
times that I just needed to feel alive
again. I told him I couldn’t go through
with the IVF, I had to trust my gut.”We are enough
After one year of trying to conceive,
unsuccessfully, Bianca and Justyn
made a pact with each other
to go away each month, and
just enjoy their lives together.
“I changed my focus and decided
to concentrate on my husband, my
career, my friends, and my fluffy
children − to be grateful for how
blessed I already was. I focused
on yoga and eating healthy.
I can’t say we forgot about having
a baby, but we were no longer
desperate. It wasn’t top of mind and
we just moved on,” says Bianca.Baby whispers
“I was open to adoption, and
I still am. I remember going to a
therapist at the time who advised
me to keep trying for a baby of
my own. I told her I didn’t care if
the child was biologically mine,
I just wanted to be a mom.”
After that conversation, talk of
having a baby was pushed to the
side, and the couple decided to
move on with life. They continued
travelling and Bianca went to a yoga
retreat in Cape Town. “We did all
these meditations and salutations
next to the river and in the forest,
and it was just so beautiful.”
On the last day of the yoga retreat,
Bianca scheduled a massage. “The
masseuse looked at my tummy and
said: ‘Sorry, I need to know for this
massage if you’re pregnant or not’.
“I was flabbergasted, how could
this woman be so insensitive. I looked
at myself in the mirror after that and
I thought it was weird because I didn’t
see anything different. I didn’t have
a period, so there was no way for me
to know if I was pregnant. Plus, I had
been told it was impossible for me
to fall pregnant naturally.
I felt amazing, I didn’t feel sick.”
Bianca went home after the
retreat, excited to tell Justyn about
her weekend and wanted to take »