176 PLANNING 6 http://www.myweddingmag.co.nz 6 JULY 2019
- The non-verbals hack - hugs
In our third or fourth year of marriage, Josh and I were in a tense discussion. I
thought he was wrong, he was probably feeling defensive. Right in the middle of
it all, he came up to me and wrapped his arms firmly around me. At first, I was
dumbfounded. Then my next thought was “you can’t just get away with it by hugging
me and thinking I’ll forget all about it! I started to push away, and then a thought
hit me like a frying pan to the head: “if I push him away this time, and the next few
times, maybe he will stop coming to hug me. And I want him to keep hugging me.”
The thought stopped me cold, and I immediately relaxed and returned the hug.
After a couple of minutes, we returned to our conversation, and this time we were
able to resolve it in a few minutes, and move on.
What Josh had cleverly introduced into our Argument-ing Tool Kit, was a non-verbal
hugs hack. It had an immediate effect of bringing down the tension in our non-
verbal cues, to a point where we could let the real message shine again. It requires
us both to be in on it, but is extremely powerful.It then became our agreement, that either of us could call a Defuse Moment by
asking for, or offering, a hug. And we’ve both pulled that card plenty since then. You
know what, it doesn’t even have to be a hug. It could be some code word, or other
physical gesture, but it has to be something loving to be powerful, and it works best
when pre-agreed upfront.So now, when kindly, old married couples offer the advice to newly-weds of
“communicate for a good marriage”, brides and grooms no longer have to smile and
nod and think silently “I’m quite confident in our ability to communicate thank you”.
Instead, they can smile and nod and say “Ahh – you’re referring to communicating
in tough conversations! Yup. I’m gonna hack those non-verbals like a boss!”http://www.nomythmarriages.com
❤