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reat – thanks for bringing up my
worst PC nightmare, the bolshy
paperclip of doom.
Sorry. We forgot some Office users
have terrifying flashbacks to Clippit, who
abruptly appeared the second they typed
‘Dear’, intrusively demanding to help lay out
a letter. Presumably, the plan was to make
Office seem human – or even fun. Instead
we got something that was, broadly speaking,
a mash-up of a third-rate Pixar character, an
overly strict teacher and a sociopath. We still
can’t hold a box of paperclips without yelling
“NO, WE DON’T NEED HELP!” at it.Whatever made Microsoft think an
anthropomorphic paperclip could brighten
everyone’s day?
To be fair, you didn’t have to sit there and
watch a paperclip outlining that you were
rubbish at grammar. Microsoft also provided
other options – although those were arguably
just as bad. It was possible to replace Clippit
with grinning idiot The Dot (more or less an
acid smiley painted red), The Genius (who
wasn’t), Links the cat (seemingly having
wandered in from a 1950s Disney knock-off)
or, erm, Office’s actual logo, its coloured bits
glowing like a demented Simon game.Still, at least it’s over now, right? Clippit and
pals will never darken our doors again!
Well, you can actually weld a sort-of Clippit
to your website (smore.com/clippy-js), but
the real problem runs deeper – because the
black soul of Office Assistant is everywhere,
infused into countless smart devices. It’s
there when Alexa randomly pipes up as
you’re chatting with friends, or when you
ask Siri something and get a daft quip rather
than actual help. Douglas Adams wrote that
future tech would require us to sit still to avoid
triggering gestural interfaces. Clippit’s legacy
is that we’ll soon have to sit in silence too.
[^ WordsCraigG
rannell]RANDOM ACCESS MEMORIES 1996Office Assistant
G
Clip round
the ear
Even Microsoft hated
Clippit. The feature was
referred to in-house as ‘TFC’,
with T standing for ‘the’ and
C for ‘clown’. Stuff leaves
you to work out what
the F stood for.It looks like you’re
writing for Stuff.
Would you like help?
O Get help adding snark
every third word
O Attempt to type
article without
help/coffee
O Begone forever, foul
digital fiend