12 new york | december 23, 2019–january 5, 2020
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The Grand
Internet Bestiary
Diagramming the characters who
dominated your feed this year.By Brian Feldman
➽
the internet is a lot like the ocean—there’s
tons of garbage in it, and 90 percent of the species
that inhabit it are undiscovered. Internet archetypes are
much more varied than they were at the start of the
information age, when there was one type of stereotypical
internet user (basement dwelling, unclean, probably
a dude). Now there exists a whole phylum of user types,
each with its own aesthetics and community, building
presences on every type of platform. Here, some you
might have encountered in 2019.intelligencerNearly half of American adults
News F
adults, researchers a
fak
or could s
school Imp
sentences. T
from pag
SnowfT
From around? An
skin care, or LuL
started selling essential oils too
prof
Area 51 Raider
find him on: Facebook
with: A detailed plan, to be
executed with military precision,
for “seeing them aliens”
This past summer, the idea of
raiding Nevada’s Area 51 took
hold online. It was hypothetical, but
also ... what if? A Facebook
event called Storm Area 51, They
Can’t Stop All of Us attracted
2 million followers (fewer than
200 people actually went).
Area 51 raiders developed elite
techniques to evade security, like
running in the style of anime
character Naruto Uzumaki (heavily
leaning forward, arms thrust
straight back). A raider is probably
a big fan of 2019’s ultimate
meme song, “Old Town Road.”VSCO Girl
find her on: TikTok
with: A scrunchie, a Hydro Flask
and a vaguely alt attitude
The VSCO Girl is, at her essence,
a teenager who tries very
hard to look like she’s not really
trying. She wears oversize
T-shirts, carries a Hydro
Flask water bottle, ties up her
hair in a messy bun,
rocks a puka-shell necklace,
always has extra scrunchies
on hand, and frequently applies
lip gloss. Her catchphrase is
“And I oop” (taken from
a drag-queen meme) and her
laugh sounds like someone
saying “Sksksksksk.”ADVANCED FORM
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Illustrations by Jim Stoten
Too-Online Boomer
find him on: Facebook
with: A profile picture of himself sitting in
his car, wearing sunglasses
Nearly half of American adults receive news via their Facebook
News Feed, and it has warped their sense of reality—and older
adults, researchers at NYU and Princeton found, share the most
fake news. They think Hillary Clinton should be locked up
or could still win in 2020. They’d rather get their info via old-
school Impact-font memes than from articles composed of
sentences. The memes cross the political spectrum and come
from pages with names like Rude Republicans Who Hate
Snowflakes or Like If You Agree Trump Is Putin’s Boyfriend.Stan
find her on: Twitter and Tumblr
with: Hundreds of like-minded people
reinforcing her opinion
A “stalker-fan” is an obsessive fan
of a celebrity. Stans are fluent
in memespeak and are fixated on
extremely niche details
about their favorite star, whether
it’s a pop icon or Baby Yoda.Locals
find him on: Twitter
with: Zero knowledge of
internet inside jokes
Locals is a derogatory term
used by stans to describe the Twitter
equivalent of “normies,” people
who use the social network but not
so much that it has made them
jaded or irony poisoned. They’re
very earnest. They live-tweet
awards shows but are not well
versed in the in-group language that
stans use as shorthand. They
are always re-sharing posts with
platitudes about what it
means to be a real friend. They nod
and say “So true” when they
see a really good Minions meme.Wife Guy
find him on: Instagram
with: A grid full
of pictures of his wife
At some point, men realized
that outwardly showing
love to their wives is subversive
and that they could score
points by doing it. A wife guy is
always posting online
about how much he supports his
wife even if others don’t.
He thinks his wife is beautiful
even though she doesn’t
have the body of a supermodel.
He doesn’t deserve credit for
doing the bare minimum, but if
you offer, he’ll gladly take it.Multi-Level Marketer
find her on: Facebook
with: A killer limited-time deal on essential oils
that will change your life!
These are Facebook friends from high school.
It ’s not clear if they were ever in any of your
classes or you just kinda ... knew them?
From around? Anyway, they post a lot about selling
Young Living essential oils, Rodan+Fields
skin care, or LuLaRoe leggings, to name a few.
If you’re interested, they could get you
started selling essential oils too, and even help you
order some?! All you have to do to turn a
profit is get ten other people to buy essential oils.Internet Leftist
find him on: Twitter
with: A rose emoji next to
his name
This is the sort of
generalization that would
make a Twitter
leftist rant online, but
they’re essentially
hipsters who joined the
DSA in November- They know Bernie
would have won and
often use the term praxis
(incorrectly). To them,
good praxis is making fun
of neoliberals on Twitter.
They’re not fond of cops.
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________ COPY ___ DD ___ AD ___ PD ___ EIC2619INT_Visual_lay [Print]_36414756.indd 13 12/17/19 3:14 PMIllustrationsbyJimStotenToo-Online Boomer
find him on: Facebook
with: A profile picture of himself sitting in
his car, wearing sunglasses
Nearly half of American adults receive news via their Facebook
News Feed, and it has warped their sense of reality—and older
adults, researchers at NYU and Princeton found, share the most
fake news. They think Hillary Clinton should be locked up
or could still win in 2020. They’d rather get their info via old-
school Impact-font memes than from articles composed of
sentences. The memes cross the political spectrum and come
from pages with names like Rude Republicans Who Hate
Snowflakes or Like If You Agree Trump Is Putin’s Boyfriend.
Stan
find her on: Twitter and Tumblr
with: Hundreds of like-minded people
reinforcing her opinion
A “stalker-fan” is an obsessive fan
of a celebrity. Stans are fluent
in memespeak and are fixated on
extremely niche details
about their favorite star, whether
it’s a pop icon or Baby Yoda.Locals
find him on: Twitter
with: Zero knowledge of
internet inside jokes
Locals is a derogatory term
used by stans to describe the Twitter
equivalent of “normies,” people
who use the social network but not
so much that it has made them
jaded or irony poisoned. They’re
very earnest. They live-tweet
awards shows but are not well
versed in the in-group language that
stans use as shorthand. They
are always re-sharing posts with
platitudes about what it
means to be a real friend. They nod
and say “So true” when they
see a really good Minions meme.WifeGuy
findhimon:Instagram
with:A gridfull
ofpicturesofhiswife
Atsomepoint,menrealized
thatoutwardlyshowing
lovetotheirwivesis subversive
andthatthey couldscore
pointsbydoingit.A wifeguyis
always postingonline
abouthowmuchhesupportshis
wifeevenif othersdon’t.
Hethinkshiswifeis beautiful
eventhoughshedoesn’t
havethebodyofa supermodel.
Hedoesn’t deservecreditfor
doingthebareminimum,butif
youoffer, he’llgladlytake it.Multi-LevelMarketer
find her on:Facebook
with: A killer limited-timedealonessentialoils
that will changeyourlife!
These are Facebook friendsfromhighschool.
It ’s not clear if they wereeverinany ofyour
classes or you just kinda...knew them?
From around? Anyway, theypost a lotaboutselling
Young Living essentialoils,Rodan+Fields
skin care, or LuLaRoe leggings,tonamea few.
If you’re interested, theycouldgetyou
started selling essential oilstoo,andevenhelpyou
order some?! All you havetodototurna
profit is get ten other peopletobuyessentialoils.Internet Leftist
find him on: Twitter
with: A rose emoji next to
his name
This is the sort of
generalization that would
make a Twitter
leftist rant online, but
they’re essentially
hipsters who joined the
DSA in November- They know Bernie
would have won and
often use the term praxis
(incorrectly). To them,
good praxis is making fun
of neoliberals on Twitter.
They’re not fond of cops.