46 | New Scientist | 21/28 December 2019
emotional responsiveness and care for the
other person,” says Huang. By increasing your
understanding of the other person, follow-up
questions should also ensure that your own
gambits are better suited to their interests.Get some rhythm
A verbal back and forth really is akin to juggling
or dancing, with various studies confirming
that turn-taking in conversation is carefully
timed. We achieve this coordination through
subtle signals: marked changes in pitch, say,
or slight stretches of the last word or syllable
when we expect the other person to take the
conversational baton. If you are describing
an event at the office Christmas party, for
instance, you might say “and then the whole
room went SILENT”, dropping your pitch
and adding emphasis to the last word to
indicate that your story is over and you
are ready for your listener’s reaction.
The flow that comes with seamless
turn-taking gives us the feeling that we
have “clicked” with someone. “The flow is
somehow a gauge of whether our relationship
is good,” says Namkje Koudenburg at the
University of Groningen in the Netherlands.
A study led by Julia Hirschberg at Columbia
University in New York found that the
shorter the gaps between turns, the greater
the rapport reported between individuals.
Slight pauses that break up this rhythm make
us feel uncomfortable, however, as though
we haven’t been understood or appreciated.
Perhaps that is why Skype conversations
can be so excruciating. Koudenburg and her
colleagues asked people sitting in separatecubicles to talk to each other about their
holidays through electronic headsets. During
half of the conversations, Koudenburg
introduced a 1-second delay into the link,
which disrupted their natural coordination.
Afterwards, these participants were less
likely to report a sense of connection to
their conversation partner compared with
those who had experienced no delays.
Koudenburg emphasises that this all
depends on circumstance. Discussions
involving longer silences may be more
comfortable with people you know – it is
all about respecting the natural beat of the
conversation as it unfolds. But if you often
find that your conversations are a little stilted,
it could be worth paying more attention to
the subtle cues that signal turn-taking.
Recognising the rhythms of speech can
also explain why it is often bad, but also
sometimes good, to......interrupt
Nothing is as rude as the tendency to speak
over other people. That is particularly
common, and annoying, in the workplace.
As I explain in my book, The Intelligence Trap,
constant interruptions and mansplaining
destroy a group dynamic, reducing the overall
“collective intelligence” and problem-solving
ability. Constant interrupters are the people
who try to put the “I” in team.
Yet interruptions can serve a useful purpose
in some face-to-face conversations if they are
used to maintain, rather than disrupt, the
conversational flow. You might interject
to finish someone’s thought, for instance,particularly if they are already trailing off their
sentence, since that helps to avoid an awkward
gap in the dialogue. One study of speed daters
found that these interruptions were associated
with a greater sense of connectedness and
understanding between the speakers. So
don’t be afraid to step in occasionally if it
helps maintain conversational momentum.Forget your phone
Would you like it if someone were constantly
peering over your shoulder at a party to find
someone more interesting or popular to talk
to? No? Then don’t “phub” either. This is the
act of snubbing someone for your phone by
interrupting your conversation to check for
new updates. It is an increasingly common
phenomenon, according to research by Karen
Douglas at the University of Kent, UK. “People
phub others all the time without thinking it’s
a problem,” she says.
Whether it is in your hand or on a table
between you, the mere presence of a phone
may reduce empathy between people in a
conversation, says a study by Shalini Misra
at Virginia Tech and her colleagues. Other
work has suggested that it may undermine
the perceived quality of the discussion. If
you want a meaningful conversation, just
put your phone away.A soft exit
All of these pointers are based on the
assumption that you like and respect
the person with whom you are talking.
But what if you are stuck with less-than-
agreeable company? Particularly with
today’s fraught politics, it can sometimes
be hard to find common ground. Fortunately,
you can use these insights to put a gentle
end to such discussions.
Koudenburg’s work on the rhythm of
conversation, for instance, suggests one way
to tacitly signal your disapproval without
open confrontation: simply let a few short
but slightly awkward pauses speak for
themselves. “Silence can communicate
your disagreement,” she says. You could
also subtly change your body language – or
simply place your phone on the table to
indicate that your interest is waning. ❚David Robson is the author of The
Intelligence Trap: Revolutionise your
thinking and make wiser decisions.
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