PARTINGSHOTS
130 APRIL2020|COMPUTERSHOPPER|ISSUE386
Zygote
Asswooping seaeagleswreakhavocwithsmarthome systemsand carelesscopperslose
trackoftheirtech,Zygotefindssome taxing reasonstobecheerfulfromDownUnder
of London forces were not
forthcoming, as theyseem to
have been lost in transmission.
ALARM BELLES
Magdalene Nasashi is awidow
living in avilla near Kushiro,on
the island of Hokkaido in Japan,
equipped with asmart hub
system operating at 315MHz.
When her intruder alarms
began to screech before every
dawn, she called in techies from
the Nomura Engineering
Company of Yokohama to trace
the fault. Theyassured her that
everything was in perfect working
order,and suggested she install
sensor lights, security shutters
and cameras to deter intruders.
She agreed, but things got
even worse.The garage door
bolted itself shut, her television
re-tuned itself and her Wi-Fi
refused to obeyher at all. She
called the police,but theycould
find no trace of any prowlers, and
the CCTV cameras showed that
nothing had invaded her grounds.
When the thermostats tried
to freeze hertodeath, she came
to the conclusion that her home
had been invaded by ghosts or
demons and summoned atrainee
exorcist from the RomanCatholic
DioceseofSapporo.This young
man happened to be akeen
ornithologist and took one
look at asmall pile of blue-grey
matter outside of her back
door,then advised her to point
her cameras upwards.
Sure enough, the next
morning’s footagerevealed six
kilos ofHaliaeetusPelagicus
swooping low above the smart
hub in control of all of her
electronics. The huge Steller’s sea
eagle was sporting an A1200
avian backpack tracker harness,
transmitting at 315MHz and with
abattery lifeof175 days.
Nasashi has now had her
system retuned to adifferent
frequency,and has named her
visitor Snowbell.
FALCK OFF
Dr Sonja Falck is aHarleyStreet
psychotherapist and lecturer at
the University of East London.
Her latest book is called
Extreme Intelligence,and
concerns some very smart
people who are experts in the
field of neural networks, artificial
intelligence and cutting-edge
computer applications.
In her book, Dr Falck argues
that calling such people names
like ‘boffin’, ‘whizzkid’ or ‘geek’
is hatespeech and should be
regarded as acrime punishable
by fines and imprisonment.
Zygotereally admires this sort
of sensible proposal, especially
when it comes from such adistaff
wonkmonger girly-swot nerd,
who is undoubtedly aspoddy
dorkish doofus dweeb.
SINTAXERROR
There are proposals forBritain to
adopt the Australian-style points
system forimmigration. Zygote
wishes to propose that we adopt
the Australian-style tax system as
well, especially when it comes to
multinational tech companies
that refuse to acknowledge their
debts to society.
In aconcerted campaign to
get the reluctant giants to pay
their dues, the Australian tax
office has already forced
Microsoft, Facebook and Apple
to stumpupwhattheyowe,and
its latest victory has been to
extract over £250m in back taxes
from the mighty Google.
The Aussie TaxTaskforce has
used international law to target
tax avoiders who re-routetheir
profits via subsidiary companies
based offshore,and as aresult
£3.7bn has been added to the
Australian economy.
Deputy Commissioner Mark
Konza said, “This settlement is
another great outcome forthe
Australian tax system. It adds
to the significant success in
positively changing the behaviour
of digital taxpayers and
significantly increasing the tax
theypay in Australia.”
Zygote has sent acopyofthe
Deputy Commissioner’s report
to Sajid Javid MP,Chancellor of
the Exchequer,with asimple
invitation to follow suit.
SOCK ITTOME
Puma is aGerman sports brand
best known forits overpriced
trainers. As akeen supporter of
all things sporty,Zygoteis
delighted to learn the product
range has been expanded to
include overpriced socks.
Sold under the unwieldy brand
name of Puma Active Gaming
Footware,the sockshavebeen
developed forplayers of online
computer entertainments,
presumably to put them one step
ahead. The socks are advertised
with aset of incomprehensible
instructions that include modes
such as Seek-mode medial
wrap grip,Attack-Mode lateral
wrap-up support, and Defense-
Mode heel stability.
“Created with console gamers
in mind, the gaming sock is
designed forindoor and in-arena
use.With aTPU skin, it delivers
seamless comfort, support and
grip so gamers can adapt to
different active gaming modes
and game their best.”
Whatever that means, at
£80 apair,these socksare
definitely not to be sniffed at.
TAKETHETABLETS
The government’s pledge to
increase police numbers is
proving to be spectacularly
successful. According to data
released under the Freedom of
Information Act, Zygote can
confirm that in the sphere of
police technology,the numbers
have increased by amassive
96% in the past year.
We’re talking about the
number of electronic devices
nicked or lost by theplod
themselves. 1,360 walkie-talkies
went walkies, there was atripling
of the number of ankle tags that
went free range,and 277 tablets
were liberated, along with all of
their sensitive information.
Topofthe riskyrozzer ratings
is West Midlands Police,with
Staffordshire Police doing their
very best to come aclose second.
Unfortunately,figures forlosses
by both the Merseyside and City
