SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
spending less time together and arguing
more. Not only does interest compound,
conflict does. Debt needn’t be the end of
a marriage, however. Owning up to a debt
and facing it together can actually be really
good for a couple. One study suggests that
shared financial horizons and a common
fiscal goal, such as paying off a debt or
saving for a vacation, can bring partners
closer and lessen not just financial anxiety
but relationship anxiety.indeed, even if you’re deeply in debt
or if you don’t have all you want or need,
here’s a key point to remember: there’s
quite a lot of evidence that marriage en-
riches people, literally. It’s not just the fact
that wealthy people are more likely to get
hitched, although that’s true. It’s also not
just the fact that there are a lot of rent, in-
surance, tax and utilities savings, which
is also true. It’s not even that couples who
retire as couples are richer than couples
who don’t, although that, too, is usually
true. There’s a whole other psychological
thing at play. For example: happily mar-
ried men are more responsible, less ag-
gressive, less likely to do something ille-
gal and more mentally healthy than single
ones, so they’re more likely to be earning.
This has not just been documented in a
bunch of research but also chronicled in
masterpieces as vaunted as Jane Eyre and
Failure to Launch.
Studies using identical twins have
demonstrated that married guys are more
hardworking and less given to partying
all night than the brothers from whom
they’re otherwise indistinguishable. Data
gathered from the U.S. National Longitu-
dinal Survey of Youth, which tracks peo-
ple in their 20s, 30s and early 40s, showed
that individuals who were married got 77%
richer over time than the single folks they
tracked. And a 2002 study of older adults
found that those who had been married to
the same person throughout their adult-
hood were noticeably better off financially
than those who had not.
Some of this, of course, is due to the
fact that married people have more sup-port around them—two sets of in-laws,
more access to services such as health
care. But it’s also true that marriage is the
ultimate buddy system. When financial
troubles hit one of you, there’s another
soul with a different set of resources to
help you through.
So divorcing over money troubles may
be a little like draining the bath in order
to prevent the water from cooling down—
you’re probably going to be colder in the
end. One of marriage’s many roles is a
business partnership. There is an Us, Inc.
You and your spouse are in a bunch of fi-
nancial deals together. You co- manage
your kids. You may also co-manage a small
property, your home. You’re chefs, Uber
drivers, entertainment directors, travel
agents and educational consultants. If
your family is anything like mine, one
poor soul is Head of Cat Litter Disposal,
Emergency Stain Removal and Tedious
Form Signing.
In a successful business, partners let
each other know what’s going on. They
pitch in; they trust each other and are
supportive. This might be as good a time
as any to tell you about the time I lost
$70,000: I forgot to claim stock options.
They expired. One day I had $70,000
waiting, and then about a month later
when I realized I had forgotten to click on
the “exercise trade” button on my com-
puter, poof, the opportunity had gone. It’s
hard to describe the feeling. I imagine you
could replicate the effects by lying on the
ground and having a friend drop a bowling
ball on your abdomen from atop a step-
ladder. I’d made something, but through
sheer incompetence, it was gone. And it
was All. My. Fault.
So here’s the dilemma. Do you tell
your spouse? Technically, that is also
his money. And it’s not like the amount
wouldn’t have made a difference. Like
many of our peers in the knowledge indus-
tries, we live what a friend described as
a high-end hand-to-mouth existence. We
make what seems like a decent amount
of money yet never have any left over at
month’s end. But, again, technically, thisSpouses
are
business
partners.
There is
an Us, Inc.
You’re in a
bunch of
financial
deals; you
co-manage
your kids,
your home.