Someconfuse
sensuality
withsexuality...
FetishesdocomeintoplayatCanyonRanch.
A guestoncebroughta giantfeatherand
demandedtobedustedwithit.Another
needed 10 minutesdevotedtoherleft
secondtoe.
Butgenerally,casesof“Canyougoa
littlelower?”areextremelyrareattheresort,
a placewherepeoplegofortherapeutic
benefits—nota happyending.InFinnegan’s
almost 30 years,hecanrememberonlyfour
isolatedinstancesofquestionablebehavior:
threewomenwhoadamantlydidn’twantto
becoveredbytheirmodestyblanketand
onemanwhoobsessedovera specificarea
betweenhisbuttocksduringa saltscrub.
“Myguessis thatpeoplearemorelikelyto
confusesensualityandsexualityatbeach
resortsorstripmalls,”Finnegansays.
“Pheromonesarehappeninginthegym,
too,aspeopleworkontheirfitness,”says
MikeSiemens,corporatedirectorofexercise
physiology,whooncehada femaleclient
complain“thatsexwastheonlywayforher
torelievethetensioninherpelvicfloor.”He
declinedtheadvance,puttingthekibosh
onanyHowStellaGotHerGrooveBack
fantasy.Equallymemorablewasthewoman
ofa certainagewhodecidedshewasona
breakfromhermarriagewhilevisitingthe
ranchalone.Whenherhusbandrangthe
resortunabletogethold
ofhiswife,shewaltzed
throughreceptiondrunk,
witha youngtraineron
herarm.Thatwasthe
endofthemarriage—
andthestaffer’stenure.
Veryoccasionally,
theranchwillbarguests
fromthepropertyfor
thiskindofmisconduct.
Thisincludesthe
high-profileousting
ofBritishbillionaire
SirPhilipGreenafter
a pilatesinstructor
claimedhespankedher
(hedisputestheclaim)
andthedismissalofa
middle-agedwomanwho
completelytrashedher
room,smashingwine
bottleseverywhere,after
a maletrainerrejected
heradvances.58
WELLNESS Bloomberg Pursuits March 2, 2020At times, the
guests are too
comfortable
“Around 40% of people like to talk
throughout their massage,” says Ed Finnegan,
one of the resort’s senior masseurs. Beyond
that, 1 in 15 people audibly moan when
the tension in their muscles is released.
“Once I had a woman on the table who
began to talk loudly in her sleep,” recalls
aesthetician Hannah Turner. “We had a whole
conversation about her favorite tacos that
she didn’t remember later.”
And sometimes people just can’t help
how their body reacts. “An elderly woman
once got a cramp during her service, popped
up buck naked, and began skipping in circles
around the table for relief,” Turner says.
Another time she found a client dangling
nude from the ceiling after her session,
experimenting with the Ashiatsu bars.
If there’s one phenomenon that’s
extremely common, it’s farting. “Blatant
tromboning happens at least once a day,”
Turner says. “Guests eat high-fiber diets,
and we’re moving air around their body. It’s
sort of inevitable,” Finnegan adds.
Jenny Flora, Canyon Ranch’s personal
dietary needs specialist, says this
embarrassment often causes undue stress.
“We get complaints that we’re adding
something to the food to make them gassy,
when really it’s just the body getting used to a
balanced, vegetable-forward diet,” she says.... which is OK,
if you’re in a sex
toy showroom
One of the most popular doctors on
the property is Nicola Finley, a women’s
sexual health expert best known for her
regular lecture, “Not Tonight Honey, I
Have a Headache.” Most of her work at the
ranch helps middle-aged, heterosexual,
monogamous women address low libido or a
disparity of desire with their partner. When
their needs are being unmet, she says, it
usually has to do with a lack of foreplay—not
size or technique.
Ten percent of Finley’s patients are
on the hunt for the Big O they’ve never
achieved; the rest “often experience
heightened pleasure on their own, but not
with their partner.” She frequently reminds
them that—despite common perception—
there’s no such thing as a G spot. “Evidence-
based medicine shows there’s simply not
one anatomical area on every woman that,
when stimulated, gives arousal,” she says.
To help guests find what works for them,
there’s the Intimate Product Room, a sex
toy patisserie selling more than $50,000 in
literature, lubricant, dildos, and vibrators
each year. The most popular purchase? The
$200 We-Vibe Sync, which comes with a
remote control and FaceTime capability for
long-distance relationships—so clients can
actually push each other’s buttons.