noticeable changes lately? Armed with the answers,
you can begin coming up with a game plan together.
SOURCES OF STRESS
Figuring out what, exactly, is eating your
kids is half the battle. Certain stressors are preva-
lent within age groups, but there are also more gen-
eral culprits that impact kids from infancy through
early adulthood.
The Mom and Dad Effect: Although it might
sting to hear, there’s no denying that our own rela-
tionship with stress has a trickle-down effect. “Kids
are watching all the time, taking in how you resolve
conflict, cope with stress, navigate daily challenges
and interact with others,” Fagell says. “If you’re
flinging insults or arguing about money, your child
is listening.”
On the flip side, we have the power to set a posi-
tive example. “Kids often have no idea how to make
themselves feel better, so parents need to model and
vocalize the strategies that work,” Fagell says. “Try
saying something like, ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed, so
I’m going to put the rest of this off until tomorrow
and take a walk. It can wait.’ ”
Whatever issues may be plaguing the grown-ups
under your roof, resist the urge to “shield” your kids
from the truth. (News flash: No matter how covert
you think you’re being, they’ll probably pick up on
it anyway and assume the worst—or that it’s their
fault.) Address the elephant in the room in a devel-
opmentally appropriate way. “You shouldn’t make
dramatic statements like, ‘Your father is leaving us!’
or ‘Fifteen children were just murdered at a school,’ ”
Huebner says. “Instead, you might say, ‘Dad and I
both love you so much, and even though we’ve tried
to work things out, we’ve decided that we need to
start living apart from each other.’ Or ‘Something
really sad happened. A person with a gun hurt peo-
ple.’ Then allow your children to ask questions and
answer them using simple, noninflammatory, non-
judgmental language.”
The Outside World: Another trigger for stress
is media exposure, in its myriad forms. “Kids today
are dealing with a 24/7 news cycle, which means
they may repeatedly see images of scary events,”
Fagell says. And those events, however remote, can
be interpreted as extremely personal and terrifying.
“Younger children can’t discriminate between some-Common Stressors:
“Middle school is a
whole new ball game: in
addition to the hormones,
this is when kids really
develop an awareness
of how they stack up
to their peers socially,
academically, athletically
and physically,” Fagell
says. “Bullying peaks in
middle school as kids
jockey for a position in the
hierarchy.” This is also
when homework gets
cranked up and students
transition from having
one teacher to being in
multiple classrooms.
(And don’t underestimate
locker drama!)
Coping Strategies:
Create opportunities to
connect by setting aside
one hour a week of special
THE SCIENCE OF STRESS HANDLING STRESS
Middle School
time with your child. “The
criteria is no technology,
no other humans and
undivided attention. By
giving them that time and
space, they’ll be much
likelier to share with you
if something is going
on,” Palmiter says. Kidswill likely need puberty
demystified, although they
probably won’t want to
learn about it from you.
“Give them some good
books like My Changing
Body and say, ‘We can
talk about it when you’re
ready,’ ” Alvord advises.Employ a similarly chill
approach with heart-
to-hearts, says Fagell.
“Rather than saying,
‘What stresses you out?’
ask, ‘What do you think
most kids would say is
the most stressful part of
seventh grade?’ ”