New York Magazine - USA (2020-03-02)

MARCH 2 15, 2020 |THECUT 39

i liveina worldofthinpeople.I interviewthe

famouslythin—actors,models,musicians,influencers—

butmostlyI observethem.I knowtheirhabits,butI’m

alsoaware that I amnotoneofthem.

Once,I wenttoa photoshoottomeettheactressEmilyBlunt

fora magazineprofileI waswriting.Shewasgettingherhairand

makeupdone,soI waskillingtimebeforewewere introduced.I

setmy bagona greenvelvet sofaandeventuallymademy way to

a tablestrewnwiththeremnantsofa cateredlunch:quinoasalad,

grilledchicken,icedtea,anda plateofdairy-free,flourlessbrown-

ies.I satdownandateonebrownieafteranother, theway I always

eatthings,withoutsavoringthem,asif theact ofeatingneededto

begottenoverwithasquicklyaspossible.Withnodairy orflour,

thebrownieswerealmost healthy, I figured.A beardedphotogra-

phyassistantwanderedinsidetogeta cablewhileI wasstuffing

myface.I turnedmy backtohim,asif that wouldhidemy crime

ofappetite.

FEED

STYLING

BY INDYA BROWN; HAIR BY WALTON NUNEZ/THE BROOKS AGENCY; MAKEUP BY LARA KAISER/SHEN BEAUTY; DRESS BY MARA HOFFMAN AT SAKS.COM; EARRINGS BY AGMES AT AGMESNYC.COM; ALL OTHER JEWELRY MARISA’S OWN.

Photograph by MOLLY MATALON

The shoot was just a few weeks after Blunt had given birth

to her second daughter—“My Bean,” she called her in her lilting

accent—and I’m so nosy that I’d snuck first thing into the

wardrobe area of the shoot to see what size jeans she currently

wore: 26. Which is about a size 2. I realize that is a little bit

compulsive. I could try to say I was checking to be a good jour-

nalist, but really I was doing what all women learn to do:

indulge in a morbid kind of curiosity about each other through

our bodies and how we each measure up.

When I heard Blunt coming down the stairs, there was just

enough time to rearrange the remaining brownies so it didn’t look

like a troop of ravenous Girl Scouts had been at them. Blunt

smiled graciously and gestured toward the brownies. “You really

must try one,” she said to me, adding that the brownies were just

so good, so rich, that she was satisfied with just one small bite.

Was this how normal people’s brains reacted to food—one

nibble and you were satisfied? I had eaten perhaps four brownies

in less than five minutes and stuffed another half a dozen in my

bag to devour at home, alone.

I am nearly constantly aware of the feeling of my stomach

hanging down toward my pelvis, of my thighs rubbing together,

of the fat under my chin touching my neck when I look down. And

I have tried my best to change my body—dieting, working out,

spas, personal trainers, radical body acceptance, Botox, fillers,

fat-melting shots of Kybella in an attempt to get rid of a double

MIND-SETS

B i g Fe e l s

I have begun to see people who

obsess about their weight as part of

their lifestyle as a class of their own.

By Marisa Meltzer