New York Magazine - USA (2020-03-02)

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chin. I’d even gone under general anesthesia for liposuction.And

th at list is not complete.

I am fat, at least by the standards of coastal America,where I

have spent my whole life. At my heaviest of the 50 or so poundsthat

I yo-yo diet on and off, I wear a size 16. My body feels tragictome,

but by the standards of non–SoulCycle America, it is infact quite

ordinary: For women over the age of 20, a size 16 is deadaverage.

THE ROLE I TAKE ON AS A WRITER IS THAT of an Everywoman.

I can ask famous women how much they currently weigh,orif they

havebeenmistakenforbeingpregnant,becausethat hashappened

tome.It wouldbemuchharderfora thinwomantoaskthosekinds

ofquestions.I knowthat I amsofarfromcompetingwiththemon

a beautyscalethat insecuritydoesn’t evenfactorintotheseenviron-

ments.Instead,I findtalkingtobeautifulwomensort ofsoothing.

It ’s timeawayfrommy normalfeelingsofnot

measuringup,butI’malsoincontrol,beingthe

onetheretoaskquestions,tobesmart. Know-

ingI amnotoneof themandnottryingtocom-

peteis itsownkindofpowertrip.

I havesat formealswiththenumerousmod-

elsI haveprofiled—KarlieKloss,HelenaChris-

tensen,JoanSmalls,StellaMaxwell,Imaan

Hammam—andthey almost alwaysexplainto

methatthey are keto,orpaleo,orglutenfree,

orquitsugarfortheirhealth.(Idon’t believe

mostmodelswhenthey tellmeit’s allaboutbal-

ance,withtheex ceptionofChristieBrinkley,

whomI interviewedwhilesheateanentire

pizza.Itwasa personalsize,butI wasstill

impressed.) I’malwayswonderingwhat thesewomenthinkofmy

body—iftheyare jealousbecausethey thinkI’vegivenmyself

licensetoeatwithabandon,orif they’dratherbedeadthanbemy

size.SometimesI thinkthat it’s easierforthemost beautifuland

famouswomentorelaxandopenuptosomeonethey don’t perceive

asa threat. Instead,they pickat theirquinoasaladsasthey bare

theirinsecuritiestome.Thisis probablymy competitiveadvantage

asa journalist,that thevery presenceofmy large bodycanbecom-

fortingtothem.As someonewhois biggerandsofterandsome-

timesa fewyearsolderthanthey are, I canbetheirmomorfavorite

teacherorsidekick.That hasturnedmeintoa kindofanthropolo-

gist ofectomorphs.I knowfirsthandthat foodandweightare

thingsthattake overa significantportionoftheirlives,too.The

actressZosiaMametoncetoldmeovera breakfastinterview(I had

a bagelandlox;shehada soycappuccino),“It’sanendlessroller

coasterofthat tiny voice,andit’s alwayspresent.”

ThebeautifulpeopleI sooftenencounterinmy jobgo to

extremelengthstomaintaintheirbodies.ButI do,too.I have

beguntoseepeoplewhoobsessabouttheirweightaspartof

theirlifestyleasa classoftheirown.There’stheclassweare born

into and the class we strive to belong to. To what lengths will we

go to earn our position? How much do we fear falling from it?

But the problem with this professional advantage—the best

friend in movies is often not as cute as the star, so it’s a trope I

know I’m filling—is that you can’t turn it off. Every time I turn

over my phone, it’s there. Instagram allows me to follow attrac-

tive women who are larger than me in some token effort to reset

my eye to a different standard of beauty. But this doesn’t shield

me from the rest of the app. In unflattering photos of myself I’m

tagged in, instead of seeing how much I was enjoying a party,

I seejowlsanda short neck.Orthebeautifulgirls(whoknew

therewere somany beautifulgirls?)posinginbikinisorhigh-

waisteddenimjeanswithnostretchencouragingallofus,no

matterourweight,toembraceourcurves,toshundiets,tojust

loveourbodies—and,byextension,ourselves—already.

Eventhefat womenhaveenviablebone

structureandproportionatebodiesandboy-

friendswithcutehaircutswhoworshipthem.

Andeverywhere,womenare talkingabout

howimportantit is toloveyourselfandthe

bodyyou’re in.Thereis a well-knownplus-size

bodyactivist I followonsocialmedia.She’d lost

a lotofweightinrecentmonthsbuthadn’t

commentedonit publicly.In aninterview,she

toldmeshewasdoingboot-campclassestwice

dailybecauseshejustlovedit somuch.It’spos-

siblethatwasthetruth,butit’s alsohighly

unlikely. I wonderwhat it wouldlooklike if she

couldbetotallyhonestwithherhundredsof

thousands ofboostersaboutwhethershe

wantedtolose 20 poundsandwhatherrealstruggleswere.

Howdoyouliveonlineasa personunhappywithyourweight?

Inourculturalmoment,fatnesscanbea surfacethat deniesinte-

riority, andfat acceptancea furtherdenialofthisinteriority—a

wayofbrushingoff thepainfultruthoflivingina biggerbody, and

alsoa wayofcompellinga happyperformanceofvirtuousness.

You’veseenher:a womanwhowearsa size14 withanInstagram

gridfullofphotosshowingoffhersmallwaist andvaguelyartistic,

silver-foxhusband.Insteadofmakingmefeelseen,shesends

me—withmyapple-shapedbodyandpoorromantichistory—

intofitsofrageandsorrowaboutnotquitemeasuringup.I can’t

stopcomparingmyselftothesekindsofpolishedyet attainable

womenwhoaresosimilartomethat they’resupposedtoinspire,

eveninfluenceme.Instead,they manage tobringoutmy insecuri-

tiesmorethanany modeloractoreverhasinreallife.

Ormaybeit’s a warpedkindofnarcissism.I canresentmy body

allI want,butI stillwanttobetheonlyEverywomanintheroom.

Adapted fromThisIs Big:HowtheFounderofWeightWatchers

ChangedtheWorld andMe,byMarisaMeltzer.Copyright

© 2020 byMarisaMeltzer.Published byLittle,BrownandCompany.

FEED

IllustrationbyLAURENTAMAKI

How do you

live online

as a person

unhappy

with your

weight?

how fortunate we are to coexist with so many remarkable

life-forms: cave salamanders that refuse to move for years. Marsupials that

die after marathon mating sessions. And a bird so alluring I will spend

the rest of my life in awe of her beauty. Writer Jordan Blok blessed my Twitter

timeline with three images of the sexiest bird I’ve ever seen. “Thinking about

~her~,” they tweeted. I can’t stress thisenough:

Everything about this bird is sensual ashell. Her

name: secretary bird (hot). Her scientific name:Sag-

ittarius serpentarius (incredibly voluptuous).Her

la shes are long. Her legs go on for miles. Andshehas

this look on her face that says, I’m going topeckyour

eyes out. Render me blind, you stunningqueen.If

you’re the last thing I see, I would count myselflucky.

TINY HOT TAKE

Look at

This

Incredibly

Sexy Bird

By Amanda Arnold

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