PC Gamer - UK 2020-04)

I

’ve recently written two diary series for

PC Gamer, and they both involved an

enormous amount of killing. Well, I’ve

had enough. No more swords. No more

guns. No more leaking bags of skin at my

virtual feet. From here on out, I’ll only be offering my

enemies cake and presents. I’m going pacifist, and

there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

To demonstrate my commitment to the non-violent path,

I’m going to peacefully play what is by sheer weight of

numbers the most violent series ever made, Total War.

Specifically, I’m playing Total War: Three Kingdoms, for

which Creative Assembly revamped many of the game’s

secondary systems, lending elements like diplomacy,

economy management, espionage, and character

relationships far greater

depth and nuance.

My plan is to use these

new-fangled mechanics to

not-fight my way to

victory. I’m not going to

declare war on any other

faction, nor directly attack

their armies in the field. If

I am attacked, however, I

am allowed to defend

myself. Otherwise, this

would be a very short article.

For this, I’m playing as the legendary general Cao Cao.

Known as a ‘strategic mastermind’, Cao Cao has the

unique ability to manipulate diplomatic relationships

between other characters. He’s like that kid in the school

playground who’d whisper in your ear that some other

kid said you smell. He can also artificially improve his

own relationships with other warlords, which should be

useful for avoiding mass murder. Without further ado,

let’s put the romance in Romance of the Three Kingdoms!

Unfortunately, there’s an immediate hitch in my plan

to spread peace and love throughout ancient China,

which is that I start my campaign already at war with two

other factions, the Imperial usurper Dong Zhuo, and his

vassal the Han Empire. Dong Zhuo himself isn’t too much

of a threat, as his territory is way off to the north. But I’m

surrounded by fragments of the Han Empire, and it won’t

belongbeforetheystartnibblingawayatwhatlittle

territoryIhavetobeginwith.

The solution is straightforward. Sue for peace! Only I

can’t, because the Han is a vassal state and can’t make

peace without Dong Zhuo’s blessing, which he isn’t going

to give because he apparently despises me. It would take

far more Credibility (Cao Cao’s unique currency for

diplomatic manipulation) than I currently have to make

the old tyrant even neutral toward me.

There are other problems too. Because I am only a

low-ranking noble in Three Kingdoms’ aristocratic

hierarchy, many of the more creative diplomacy options

are unavailable to me, as is the ability to field spies. At the

same time, I can’t sit and do nothing. Although I’m

committed to pacifism, letting everyone around me

slaughter each other doesn’t seem very peaceful either.

That’s when I start to build an army.

PACIFIST FIGHT

Now, let’s be clear, I’ve no

intention of actually

fighting anyone. But armies

are a bit like genitals: if you

wave them around in

public, there’s a good

chance everyone nearby

will run away. I reckon I

can use my army to lean on

the Han without directly

engaging them in a fight.

I build a massive army, then I head out and lay siege to

some nearby farmland belonging to the Han. Again,

surrounding someone’s village with a big army isn’t

actually attacking it. I like to think of it more as ‘spirited

negotiation’. Luckily, the Han forces in this village are led

by an officer, which means I can demand their surrender.

Seeing the enormous, extremely peaceful army

surrounding him, the officer wisely agrees to my terms,

which are 1. Get out and 2. Stay out. Success! I got myself

a nice new farm without shedding a drop of blood. I think

I could get used to peace.

This is the thought running through my head when

Total War casually announces that someone has murdered

my dad. Tao Qian. The snake. The vermin. The coward.

He’s only gone and offed my pap Cao Song. Total War’s

definition is Song died of ‘unfortunate events’. But my

council are all pointing the finger at Qian. They’re also

urgingmetodeclarewarontheneighbouringwarlord,

pointingoutthat,mate,hemurderedyouractualdad.

THERE’S AN

IMMEDIATE HITCH IN

MY PLAN TO SPREAD

PEACE AND LOVE

THERULES

1

Cannot

declare war

2

Cannot directly

attackarmies

3

Can defend

from attack

See, look, they’re attacking me.

I therefore must defend myself.

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to

deal with a dilemma like this so soon.

The good news is, there are no

repercussions for avoiding war at this

point, so I convince my entourage

that I’m biding my time. In a way this

is true. I can’t let Tao Qian’s crime go

unpunished. I just need to figure out

a way to punish him peacefully.

No sooner have I resolved (by

which I mean ‘put off’) this problem,

Total War detonates another

diplomatic bombshell. Dong Zhuo is

dead. Less than ten turns into the

game, and the mighty, usurping

tyrant is worm food. Turns out he’s

been murdered by his adopted son

Dong Min, in what seems to be an

emerging theme of dad-death.

Despite the fact I’m now dealing

with a patricidal monster, I still cling

on to hopes that we might end the

EXTRA LIFE

NOW PLAYING I UPDATE I MOD SPOTLIGHT I HOW TO I DIARY (^) I WHY I LOVE I REINSTALL I MUST PLAY