MEL’SWORLD
8 MAY2020|COMPUTERSHOPPER|ISSUE
Life in the slowlane
BEFOREIARRIVEDhere,I
couldn’tevenspellColombia.
ButhereIam,andnowIcan.
IamheadingforCommune 13
inthefabledcityofMedellín,
whichTimemagazineonce
dubbed“themostdangerous
district of the most dangerous
city in the most dangerous
country on earth”. Blimey!
My destination has been
awarded the accolade of drugs
and murder capital of the world,
which is what made it the
natural choice forthe location
of the hideously violent and
massively long Netflix series
calledNarcos.But Idon’t really
approve of Netflix or box sets,
so Ihaven’t watched it.
Iamonagreen bus, high up
between the cloud forests and
coffee country in the Andes
mountains. The purpose of my
visitistorepresent the senior
wing of the Euro Techno All-Stars
in the Colombian national sport,
which is called Tejo.This amusing
pastime involves hand-eye
coordination and alcohol. It’s a
lot like darts, except that you
playitwithhand grenades.
Ispot something anomalous
as the bus struggles up asteep
incline,and Iphotograph a
burned-out shrine to the Virgin
Mary from my side of the
steamy bus window.I’d like to
send the scorched image to
any friends and family on
distant continents who maybe
in the slightest bit interested,
although aWi-Fi signal would
seem highly unlikely.The nearest
town is 30 miles away.
But Igive it atry anyway,
allowing my phone to recognise
my crinkled, sun-kissed face,and
fireup. The littlescreen confirms
that IhaveaWi-Fi connection.
Forthose of you with ashort
attention span, Iwould like to
remind you that Iamonabus,
in the middle of nowhere,ina
country fresh out of acivil war
that lasted 45 years, killed
200,000 civilians, displaced
two million children and five
million adults, and in the past
year has welcomed two million
refugees from over the border
in Venezuela.
The Wi-Fi connection is
brilliant. It’s not password-
protected and is completely free
to use.Ihave to lean across a
dangerous-looking woman to
take the photo, andshe informs
me that the shrine to the Virgin
Mary has been burnt out by rival
crime syndicates as awarning to
snipers who praythere fora
good aim in their assassinations.
So this is the kind of society it
takes to get anationwide free
Wi-Fi service.Olé!
SURREY STATEOFAFFAIRS
Twodaysago,riding the South
Western Railwayenroutetothe
airport, Icouldn’tget aWi-Fi
signal at all. And it was not as if I
was in the Andes. Iwas in Surrey.
Not only that, but my habitual
seat in the Quiet Zone,clearly
marked as reserved forthe
elderly,disabled, pregnant and
Lib Dem voters, had been
hijacked by free-range children.
And that’s not the half of it.
Abit later on, while Iwaited for
my flight to Colombia, Iwas
refused access to the Heathrow
‘free’Wi-Fi service,unlessI
gave them my email address,
password and sperm count, then
theywanted me to tick abox to
agree theycould spam me with
special offers forToblerone.
Where did it all go wrong? I
know,itprobably all went
wrong around 1990. That’s when
Britain led the world in internet
connections, with dial-up access
at 56 kilobits asecond over our
copper wires strung out along
antique wooden telegraph poles.
Do you remember John
Major’s Citizen’s Charter from
backthen?Thebitwherehe
promisedtokeepusintheglobal
lead forinformation technology
and communications? It took
the next decade to supply fewer
than one in 10 UK households
with broadband, by which time
most of Europe and half the
FarEast had overtaken us.
Then there was that smiley,
slithery Tony Blair, who declared
he’d make sure free high-speed
terminals would get installed in
all community centres, post
offices, transport hubs and
pubs, to deliver the fastest
connection speeds in the world.
Not forgettinghis old palGordon
Brown, who promised superfast
broadband forevery UK home,
and that, once again, “Britain will
be the world leader in the digital
economy by 2020”.Bythe time
he said that, we’d been overtaken
by Madagascar.
PORKY PIES
And let’s not forget Porky
Cameron, promising that we
would all have access to the
fastest Wi-Fi speeds in the
world by the end of his
parliament. He was right in a
way, although getting access
involves leaving the UK and
travelling to the dozens of
countries currently ahead of
us in the league table.
Which brings us to Prime
Minister Boris Johnson, and
his written promise to
single-handedly deliver
“superfast full fibre forall by
2025”.According to my doctor,
full fibre increases the weight,
size and softness of your bowel
movements, confirming my
suspicion that what the PM
promises is full of shit.
Meanwhile,back in Colombia,
it is clearly evident that what
you need to provide effective,
universal access to the internet
is aregime controlled by abunch
of extortionists, homicidal
maniacs, robber barons and lying
shysters. Hey! On reflection,
there’s hope forusyet.
MELCROUCHER
Tech pioneer and all-round good egg
[email protected]
It all went wrong around 1990. That’s when
Britain led the world in internetconnections
Want afree, fast Wi-Ficonnection? Trywar-torn, poverty-strickenSouthAmerica –
there’smorechanceofgetting onetherethanthereisinthe UK,saysMelCroucher
