THENEWYORKER,MARCH9, 2020 37
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
JANUARY 8 Dear Sir,
Your check has been cut and is ready
to be mailed to you. The person who
will mail it to you is currently being
mailed to us. We will keep a close eye
on our mail, and as soon as it arrives,
with him in it, we will transfer the check
to him to mail to you immediately.
FEBRUARY 15 Dear Sir,
Thank you for your inquiry. Your check
is still here, ready to go, but the per-
son who was mailed to us so that he
could mail it to you took longer than
expected to be mailed. When he fi-
nally did arrive, with the rest of our
mail, he was mistaken for junk mail
and ended up in the recycled mail. We
have put in a special request, and an-
other person who will promptly mail
your check to you is being mailed to
us, via overnight mail.
MARCH 11 Dear Sir,
The person who was being mailed to
us by overnight mail so that he could
mail your check to you was mailed
from someplace north of the Arc-
tic Circle (we are told), where night
lasts a long time, which naturally af-
fects the mail. We are closely track-
ing this overnight mailing and expect
it to arrive at our offices with our other
mail as soon as night up there is over—
no later than mid-April, we believe.
Please be assured that your check is
sitting right here on our desk, still
crisp and fresh and beautiful, all set
to be mailed.
MARCH 23 Dear Sir,
Just to reassure you that your check
really does exist, we are looking at it
right now: it is eight inches long by
three and a half inches high, printed
on that handsome mini-herringbone-
patterned background that the best
checks are printed on, and it says “Pay
to the order of,” followed by your
clearly typed and correctly spelled
name. So there can be no mistake
about the exact person for whom
the check is intended—you. Your ad-
dress also appears on the check, which
will come in handy when the check
is mailed.
MARCH 24 Dear Sir,
Apologies for contacting you again
so soon after our previous communi-
cation about your check, but we ad-
mired it again this morning, here on
our desk, and somehow, in our ab-
sence, the sum seems to have been
changed to a larger number than it
was yesterday! It really is a substan-
tial check. You must be very eager to
have such a check mailed to you, and,
indeed, in all likelihood, it probably
will be mailed before long.
APRIL 12 Dear Sir,
The mail containing the person whose
job it was to mail your check to you
arrived, and he has mailed you your
check. Unfortunately, our mail service
uses a mail drop in which there are
two regular-mail slots for outgoing
mail, the first marked “EARTH MAIL”
and the second marked “OTHER.” As-
suming that the “EARTH MAIL” slot
had something to do with Earth
Day, and thinking that was not ap-
propriate, he dropped your check into
the slot marked “OTHER.” A reason-
able mistake—but, regrettably, the
“OTHER” slot is for mail addressed
to places other than Earth. This may
cause a further mail delay, for which
we apologize.
NOVEMBER 18 Dear Sir,
We met a fellow in the past two-three
weeks who said that he ran into your
check at the famous “Star Wars” bar
sometime last summer, although he
forgets the exact date. We just thought
you would like to know.
DECEMBER 1 Dear Sir,
Yes, we suppose we could put a “stop”
on your check and issue (but not mail)
a check to replace the check that we
weren’t mailing previously—but, really,
why bother?
DECEMBER 8 Dear Sir,
Against our better judgment, we have
voided your original check and issued
a replacement. Oh, what a gorgeous
thing this spanking-new check is! At
the moment, it is sitting, pert and pretty,
on our desk, waiting to be mailed.
FEBRUARY 9 Dear Sir,
We were getting way too attached to
each other, your check and us, and so
we made the painful decision to end
the relationship. The check has just
been mailed via Ever Go ground ser-
vice, and we are monitoring its prog-
ress. Already, it has travelled half the
distance to you, and we are informed
that very soon it will cover half the
remaining distance, and then, quickly,
half the remaining distance after that,
etc. So be on the lookout!
FEBRUARY 11 Dear Sir,
The driver of the Ever Go truck in-
forms us that he is one-thirty-second
of an inch from your address and ex-
pects to be one-sixty-fourth of an inch
from it shortly. He will make the de-
livery sometime between eight o’clock
Eastern Standard Time this morning
(Tuesday, 2/11) and infinity. We appre-
ciate your patience.
IN THE MAIL
BY IAN FRAZIER
