80 COSMOPOLITAN SEPTEMBER 2017 FOR MORE GREAT STORIES, VISIT COSMO.INLOVE QUIZShould
You Fantasise
More?1
Having sex with
your partner means
a wham-bam routine
that never varies. Ever.
True False
2
When you look at
yourself in the mirror
before heading out,
you never pause and
think, ‘Damn, I look
good tonight’.
True False3
If someone super-
attractive grazes your
arm as they pass
by, you never catch
yourself thinking,
‘What would it be like
to kiss you?’
True FalseIF YOU ANSWERED
MOSTLY TRUE,
then let your mind be
aroused more often.
Your sense of sexual
adventure has taken a nap,
but actively conjuring up
things that turn
you on can boost
your excitement and
self-confidence.IF YOU ANSWERED
MOSTLY FALSE,
then bravo! You’re already
sensually engaged with the
world around you, and
you’re aware of how
desirable you are.
Keep it up!erotic imaginings, rather
than asking straight up
if he or she is interested
in hearing one of your
desires (and risking
outright rejection), use
an intermediary object.
Watch a sexy movie, read
a hot story out loud, go
to a sex shop, or watch
ethical porn together. If
something you saw during
the experience mirrors
your own fantasies, ask
your other half what they
thought. This way, if your
partner likes the same
thing you do, you’ll find
out without exposing
yourself. And if he or she
is totally turned off, you’ll
avoid being outed—the
focus will stay on that
scene in the movie, not
on the fact that you want
to try it in real life.GIVE IT A GO
Transitioning from
conversation to action
is always a leap of faith,
especially with sex. So
even if you both agree
you’re into a particular
fantasy, actually doing it
can feel intimidatingly
bold. After all, people
have a lot of shame about
their urges, and they often
question the meaning
behind them. In reality,
your erotic mind may
not make any sense, and
it may not be politically
correct. That’s okay.
These moments are just
chances for you to play.
As you embark on
bringing your fantasy
to life, try to maintain
perspective, stay out
of your own head, and
remember that, at best,
the experience will be
hot and fun. You’ll bothhave an amazing time
and a new addition to
your sexual repertoire!
At worst, the scene won’t
pan out the way you’d
imagined, and it won’t
be sexy. That’s fine too.
There’s nothing wrong
with bad sex once in a
while—you can’t think
of it as a pass/fail
endeavour. What matters
is the experience.RETURN
THE FAVOUR
Now, there may come a
time when your partner
reveals a fantasy of their
own. They may find it
erotic, while you don’t.
Still, as long as you don’t
find the concept utterly
gross (as in, you’d never
try it in a million years
because it makes you so
uncomfortable), then I
believe it’s worth trying
once. More often than you
think, an idea that strikes
you as unsexy at first can
actually surprise you. You
and your lover may wind
up enjoying it! After all, if
you want to broaden your
sexual palate, both of you
have to take chances.” nrevealing fantasies to your
partner can make you
feel terrifyingly exposed.
However, there are
ways to talk about them
openly and bring their
erotic energy into your
relationship. Here’s how
to start that conversation,
then act on it.SUSS OUT TRUST
First, know that you don’t
always have to voice
your deepest desires.
Talking about them is
highly intimate, so you
need to feel safe with
your partner—otherwise
you risk receiving a
judgmental response,
which can be so searing,
you may never want to
mention fantasies again.
So, ask yourself: Do
I trust my significant
other completely? Does
this person accept me? If
your answer is no to both,
you’re unsure, or you
think your partner will get
jealous or offended, you
may be wise to stay quiet.
If your answer is yes, then
proceed. But remember:
even if your lover is
trustworthy, it’s still okay
to keep some fantasies
a secret. Contrary to
popular belief, it’s not a
betrayal to dream about
other people or revert to
other sexy visions in your
mind while you’re having
sex. Not everything needs
to be shared. In fact, some
people enjoy their desires
most when they’re kept
private. If that’s you, keep
doing you.TEST THE WATERS
If you do decide your
partner can handle a
frank discussion of yourEsther Perel is a sex and
relationship therapist,
the best-selling author
of Mating In Captivity,
and host of the audio
series Where Should We
Begin? With Esther Perel.
Her TED talks on desire
and infidelity have been
viewed more than 17
million times.love & lust