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in AA, I’d learned it wasn’t healthy to
try to read other people’s minds. “Ev-
erything okay?” I said. “What are you
thinking?”
“Oh,” said Alice, “I was thinking
about my younger brother. He’s not
happy in his job.” Surprise! She wasn’t
thinking negatively about me. She
wasn’t thinking about me at all!
She gave me a sweet good-night kiss
when I dropped her off, and we made
plans for another date.
My foundation in recovery kept
supporting me as things with Alice
got more serious. In AA I already had
friends and an outlet for my hang-ups.
I loved Alice, but I didn’t need her like
I’d needed women before.
After we got engaged, she moved tem-
porarily to Hong Kong to work as a for-
eign correspondent. Before recovery, I
would have been devastated. This time,
I prayed things would work out, relied
on my AA friends for companion ship
and support, and made plans to visit.
Alice came home, we married, and my
initial decision to trust her turned into
a habit that has sustained our marriage.
Early in recovery, a speaker told me
that if I truly wanted a happy marriage,
I should focus not on finding the per-
fect mate but on becoming the sort of
person who would be attractive to a
good partner.
I’ve since learned the underlying les-
son: Make room for God to act.
In addiction—and maybe this is true
for all unhealthy lifestyles—I assumed
I was the center of my own universe.
Recovery requires a different assump-
tion: that we are not alone and that we
are not in charge.
It’s a great foundation for marriage.
The more I trust God and focus on fol-
lowing his direction, the easier it be-
comes to love Alice without stifling her
and to be loved without fearing the love
will get yanked away.N
one of the usual stresses
that can break a marriage—
work, children, finances, big
decisions and the daily interactions
that build up or grind down a relation-
ship—have managed to shake that
strong foundation in God.
Not even my cancer diagnosis has
shaken it. Alice and I have cried togeth-
er. We have prayed together. We have
done our best to be realistic with the kids
and prepare them for when I am gone.
We have experienced the deepest
grief. Our marriage has survived. And
I am still sober.
I keep thinking I am lucky to have
been blessed with and loved by this
woman and by the family we have
raised together.
It’s not luck.
I was a self-destructive drunk, driv-
ing my life into a ditch. I let go of the
wheel, reached out to God and gave in
to recovery. I did the hard, halting work
of learning to live in a new way.
I made room for God to act. He’s not
done with me. I am grateful. And to-
gether with Alice, I am ready for what
comes next.For more on this story, see FAMILY ROOMOVERCOMING ADDICTIONIn an exclusive video, Bob talks about keeping a sober relationship. guideposts.org/bobl