THE SPY
The Spy
communicates
exclusively through
Google Wave
f youeverfindyourselflookingata game
rumouronlineandwonderingif it’srealor
not,TheSpyhasa 100percentguaranteed
waytoconfirmitsveracity:justwait.For
instance,asTheSpywritesthis,a rumour
isfloatingaroundthatParadoxisonthe
vergeofannouncinga sequeltoVampire:
TheMasquerade– Bloodlines. You,
however,asyouholdthismagazineinyour
hands,canjustlooktothecoverandknowthatit was
true.Waiting.Itworks!OrhowabouttherumourthatSony– creatorsof
worldwidephenomenonthePlayStationVita– wasin
talkstobuyTake-TwoInteractive– ownersof2KGames,
whooncepublishedBattleborn. Thiscauseda briefflurry
ofdiscourseamongthekindofpeoplewhoaretoobusy
havingopinionstocheckif thingsaretrueornot.“Whatif
a hypotheticalBattleborn2:Genre-Blended;Meta-Growth
BoogaloonevercametoPC?!”theywailed.
TheSpy,ofcourse,wasnotfooledbysuchquestions,
becauseTheSpyhadeatena bigmealandfallenintoan
advancedchickencoma.WhenTheSpyawoke,dayslater,
Bloomberg’sTokyotechreporterYujiNakamurahad
receivedconfirmationfrom
Sonythattherewasno
truthtothereports.
Anotherexample:the
rumourthatTheSpyhas
kidnappedRandyPitchford,
andwillnotlethimgountil
heexplainswhat“hobby-grade coop campaign” actually means, were presumably
proved false when Gearbox (presumably) announced
Borderlands 3 at PAX East. The point that The Spy is
trying to make is that all of the current rumours being
mongered are so short term as to be wholly unsuited to a
print production cycle.
For weeks, speculation was rife that the Halo series
wascomingtoPCinthe form of a Halo: The Master Chief
Collectionrelease.Rather than sitting on that information
forthelengthofanentire magazine cycle, from creation
toprintingtodelivery, Microsoft just decided to confirm
that,yup,it’shappening, it’s coming to Steam in stages,
withthefirstreleasebeing a new addition to the
collection,HaloReach.
TheSpyblamesGDC, which every year proves to be a
hotbedofinformation, imperfectly timed for print
production.Thinkof the fun The Spy could have had with
therumoursofGoogle’s streaming service, and the
weirdlyshapedcontroller that people pulled out of old
patentsbeforeKotaku’s Jason Schreier shot them down.
AndthenGooglejust rocked up to GDC and announced
Stadia,itsstreamingplatform that promises to pump
gamingmagicthrough your internet pipes.STEADYINGFOR STADIA
Here’sa rumourstraight from The Spy’s own brain: Stadia
willatfirstbea functional but unessential release that,
mostlythroughtheforce of Google’s omnipresence will
neverthelesswormits way into your life, posing yet more
questionsaboutjusthow much of your personal data one
corporationshouldown while also somehow
incorporatingalgorithms that make life that much worse.
Thatorit willfailsospectacularly it becomes a meme.
WithGoogle,thereis no middle ground. At this point The
Spycouldlaunchinto a thing about a PEGI listing for Call
ofDuty:ModernWarfare 2 Remastered, but what’s the
point? Activision will
probably just announce it in
the next five minutes. So,
The Spy is going to train a
body double to enthuse
about“epicBattleborn
Heroes”. Spy out.
The Spy1
Whatbetterwaytocelebrate 200
issuesofPCGamerthanwitha
scattershotlistof 200 reasonstolovePC
gaming?Includedareemulators,free
games,physics,textadventures,speed
runs,“nakedpigslapping”,autoexec.bat,
Bejeweled, “theeternalhopeofDuke
NukemForever” (oof),maps,HDtexture
packs,sniperrifles,SidMeier,Alyxfrom
Half-Life 2 andmany,manymore.(^3)
At least brighter things were on
the horizon – brighter things that
were nevertheless gloomy and dark and
took place underwater. BioShock 2
perhaps wasn’t the return to Rapture many
were hoping for, but it was still an
enjoyable FPS with some big ideas and
an ever bigger drill. In the cover feature,
Tom Francis devotes an entire boxout
to the drill.
(^2)
Of course,
2009 was
still a dark time for
PC gaming. For
instance, this
issue’s lead review
was Red Alert 3
Uprising. It scored
just a paltry 63
per cent.
ISSUE
200, May 2009
ON THE COVER
Bioshock 2
IN THE CHARTS
Poker Face – Lady Gaga
I
This month in... 2009
THE SPY HAD EATEN A BIG MEAL
AND FALLEN INTO AN ADVANCED
CHICKEN COMANEWS | OPINION | DEVELOPMENT
BUTWHOWATCHESTHESPY?
The Spy