wellness special
P
eoplebelieve it’s easyto
be an actor.All youneed
is goodlooks,agreat
body, fighting skills
(onscreenandotherwise)and
lip-synchcapabilities.Ifyou can
actuallyact, it’s abonus,but that
skillis notof muchconsequence.
Addsomelucktothis package,
andvoila! Youare astar.And, of
course,most importantly, ageis
no barformen!
Butbeingafemaleactoris
as arduousas... beingafemale
actor.Ireferto myselfas an
actor.Imean, whyisthere
an ‘actor’andan ‘actress’
when thereisno‘doctor’and
‘doctoress’or ‘lawyer’ and
‘lawyeress?’ButIwill usethe
term‘actress’herebecauseI
have awordlimit.
Beingan actress hasthe
samerequirements as beingan
actor,but it needsmore. Fair,
reed thin,tall,canlip-synch, can
dance,can fight, ideallycan act,
hasto be singleall herlife and
mostimportantly, needsto be
PG18bracket.
ButIamnot fair,tall, or
thin.AndIamnot aman like
theagelessCaptainAmerica.
Actually, even he hadtosuccumb
to ageinTheEndgame.Well,
kindof!
Notageing is imperative.
Unlessof courseIwerea
vampireorplastic.And
I’mneither.
Don’tbelieve me?Below
is moreorless, actuallyor
hypothetically, thekindof
conversationthatwouldensue
betweenan aspiringactress andAA:If youhaveasongin a
field,Icouldprobably be...
(he cutsheroff)
SP:You’retoo fattoplay
ascarecrow.AA:Iwas goingto sayone of the
dancersin thebackground.
SP:(Looksat herfrom top to toe,
gaze pausingat inappropriate
places)Your waist...is wasted.AA:So thereisn’tanyrole at all
thatIwouldfit?
SP:(Thinkshard) No!(An
afterthought)Maybe...AA:Wow! Whatisthe role?
SP:It’s aframe.AA:(Stupefied)Therole of a
photoframe?
SP:No!That’s rich andclassy
andornamental.Youdon’tfitit.AA:So then?
SP:It’sthe pictureinthe frame.
Of the greatgrandmother
of the greatestever
grandfatherofthe...AA:Thehero?
SP:(Snickers)
Youwish!anyone in thefilm industry
withasuper powerthat
changes an aspiringactress into
SophiaLoren.
ConversationbetweenAA
(aspiringactress)andSP
(superpower)AA:HelloI’man actorandI
wouldliketoauditionforthe role
of thefemaleleadin your film.
SP:(Lookingat AAcarefully)
Youare notheroinematerial.AA:Material?If Iwas,I
wouldn’tbe synthetic.Iwouldbe
linen.Sharpand crisp.
SP:(Noreaction)You don’thave
that kind of aface.AA:(Be wildered) Whatkind
is that?
SP:Your face is too round.
Nosetoo broad.Eyes too big,no
jawline,shortneckand ears...
(Hegivesup, exhausted)
Whathemeans is your
face is likeapizzawithan
artichokefor anose,tomato
slicesforeyes, economically
cut slivers of yellowpepperfor
lips,and notcut in trianglesso
no chanceof sharpjaw lines.
Basicallyinedible.AA:Can’tmake-uphelp?
SP:Wedon’thave budgets
forprosthetics.AA:But theremust be somerole
Ican play?’
SP:(Thinkingreally hard) You’re
tooshorttoplay... atree. Too
darktoplayalightbulb.And not
prettyenoughto playpeonies.AA:Heroine?
SP:Ancestors.AA:ButI’mnotthatold.
SP:If youare above20itisold.
(Explainsas if to achild)Above
20 is beforeChrist.Above 30 is
afterChrist.AA:Then what would40 be?
SP:Relic.AA:Andabove40?
SP:Hopeless.AA:So therole is of an ancestor
of...?
SP:Adinosaur.AA:(Realisesit’s herchanceto
exhibitheractingability)I’ll do
it. Ican act!
SP:Act?Is thatevenaword?
Conversationover!TheAAwalksout,dismayed
anddejected,headingstraight
forageriatricward,becauseit’s
homeforher kind of woman.
Wishingshewere acupcake–
fresh,pretty,delectable.Iwant to
tell herthatcupcakes too have a
shortshelflife andan expirydate.
Womenarelikewine:strong,
spirited,fullbodied,intoxicating,
andpotent.Andwe nevercease
to surprise.
Cheersto us.
[email protected]
Follow@HTBrunch on TwitterActor Shefali Shah hasalwaysbeen
known for her powerful performances.Her
newestoffering, playingthe cop in-charge
of the Nirbhayainvestigationin
DelhiCrime(seenin the picture alongside),
haswon her even moreacclaim.“notageing
is imperative.
Unless of
coUrse iwere
avampire
or plastic.
i’m neither”ASPIRING ActoR,
AGEING StAR
yoUngactressesplease note: Unless yoUchangeyoUr
gender,yoUwill never land aroleifyoU are over 20Text by Shefali Shah
Photo by RafiqueSayedjune 30, 2019f10
[how to agewithconfidence]