READER’S DIGEST
July• 2019 | 49love the name Hannah, I love the
name Hannah, and I am sure your
father will love it, and I am so glad
it makes you feel beautiful, because
you are beautiful, inside and out, and
I support this choice wholeheartedly,
honey. It’s your life and you are old
enough to make your own choices
and—”
At this point I was desperately hop-
ing someone would hand me a pill.
Hannah stopped my runaway train
of thought by cutting in: “Thanks,
Mum. I love you so much and I knew
you would support me. Why don’t
I come over the day Dad gets home
and we can have dinner and spend
time talking?”
“Of course, yes, um, Hannah. We
can do that. That would be great.
What a wonderful idea, um, Han-
na h .”
Mercifully, she wrapped up the
conversation with “great, love you,
bye” and hung up before I could re-
spond.
I spent the next few hours pacing
up and down the stairs of our home,
our two cairn terriers at my heels. As
I attempted to sort out why I was up-
set, the dogs kept their gaze trained
on me: Walk? Are we going for a
walk? Walk?!
After really analysing my reaction
and my feelings, it came down to one
thing. I was fine with my child’s tran-
sition. I wasn’t invested in her gender,
just her humanity. But there was so
much fear: fear for her safety, fear for
how the world might treat her, fear
for her heart.
The two following nights were
fraught with nightmares. I dreamed
our son was lost. Our son was dead.
We never had a son. I gave birth, but
when I looked for my son, they toldme at the hospital that I was mistak-
en and had simply had my appen-
dix removed. Our son had joined a
tiny-house cult and was never heard
from again.
Once I woke up, I was a zombie,
the despair of those horrible dreams
clinging to me like possessed dryer
sheets. I had made peace with our
child’s news and had no issues with
the concept of her transition, but I
was still mourning the loss of our son.
I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
She is a woman. As much as I
thought I was prepared for that, I
guess I wasn’t.OUR CHILD IS A WOMAN.
AS MUCH AS I THOUGHT I WAS PREPARED
FOR THAT, I GUESS I WASN’T