patterns might be playing a part in the
lack of relationships in your life.”
As a mother herself, she says this
can be a common struggle for parents.
“You meet the same people every day at
school pick-up, but the conversation
might not ever get past bad weather
and sick kids. It can be quite repetitive,
so you have to open up and reveal
something. Be vulnerable in some way
to see how that is received and whether
that can be heard and reflected back by
the other person.”
True connections are the ones where
we feel comfortable to be ourselves,
but the catch is that in order to find
these connections, we have to be
ourselves first. Exposing yourself to a
new person is no easy feat, and the
natural fear of rejection is a barrier to
getting beyond small talk to forming a
meaningful connection. “A lot of people
aren’t very good at being vulnerable, or
vulnerable enough to let other people in.
They’ve gotten used to being distant or
aloof or hard to get to know,” Mary says,
and explains that difficulties making
friends are often the result of being hurt
earlier in life.
“Subconsciously,
they’ve just kind of
blocked connection
off. They can become
really self-sufficient
people, very good
at doing things by
themselves, so it might
take a bit of time and it
might feel quite hard to let
people in, but if they’re
willing, people can shift that.”
Finding the courage to share your
preferences, humour, interests or
opinions are simple ways to get the
ball rolling. On the other end of the
spectrum, there are people who are
extremely friendly and outgoing, who
have no trouble meeting and talking to
new people, but who have a tendency to
try and please others or be what they
think others want.
“They might come across as quite
open and easygoing, but they don’t put
themselves out there as having strong
opinions or you don’t get a sense of who
they really are, so it’s also quite hard to
get to know those people. You keep
looking for a sense of their opinion or
how they feel about something and they
duck and dive, because they’re so used
to pleasing and agreeing with others.
That’s another way of maintaining
distance and likeability at the expense
of authenticity.”Rekindling a bond
As we move through different ages
and stages of life, it’s normal for some
friendships to fade. It’s a common
experience to meet up with an old friend
and feel that you simply no longer click
in the same way that you used to. On the
other hand, if the fading of a meaningful
friendship feels like a real loss, it doesn’t
have to stay that way.
“The bit I always get people to think
about is what was their contribution
to the friendship fading, and can they
figure out a different way of doing
things, because unless they can do that,
then surely the same pattern will play
out again,” Mary says.
It could have been a case of
losing touch over time,
but sometimes, there
is a deeper issue to
be addressed that
caused the division.
Taking quite a hard
look at yourself can be
uncomfortable, but is
fundamental to the health of
the relationship. It’s then as
simple as asking if they would be
open to being friends again and talking
about how to improve the friendship
going forward.Friendship friction
Just because you have been friends,
doesn’t mean you have to stay friends.
If a friendship is no longer a positive
influence in your life, knowing when
to let go is important. “Again, I think it
starts with self-awareness of your own
experience,” Mary says. “Ask yourself, »fact
A 2010 REVIEW
FOUND THAT THE
EFFECT OF SOCIAL
TIES ON OUR LIFE SPAN
IS EQUIVALENT
TO QUTTING
SMOKING.be informed
be nourished
simply be
be energised
be inspired