TEXT

ERIN FISHER

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when I am with this person, do I feel

warm, connected and open? Or do I find

myself shutting off, cringing, making

myself small, or feeling like I’m walking

on eggshells?” These can be good

indicators that a friendship is taking

a toll on your wellbeing.

“It’s actually really painful when

you’ve had a good connection with

someone and it changes for some

reason,” Mary says. She explains that

in emotionally difficult times, people

generally tend to engage in avoidance

behaviours such as drinking, distracting

with food or social media, or other

methods of numbing out the pain.

To work through the issue, she

suggests noticing and accepting your

feelings rather than trying to numb or

avoid them. Allow yourself to feel the

sadness and disappointment first,

so that you’re able to consciously

choose your next action instead of

doing something reactive, getting

angry or saying something hurtful.

A slow fade out can be done by

keeping busy, but if the person is

persistent in trying to maintain the

connection or you feel an explanation is

needed, giving some gentle feedback

face to face can be helpful. “If you want

to be really authentic in your life and for

people to know how they have affected

you, or you want to give them more

information for their future

relationships, you might ask them

to meet for a coffee.”

Mary recommends just sticking

to the facts, rather than using it as an

opportunity to attack or create more

drama. Explain to the friend what has

happened, how it has made you feel, and

that you simply don’t think it can be

resolved for the friendship to continue.

In situations where the person is

within your circle of friends, you might

need to tread a bit more carefully. Try to

distance yourself emotionally from that

person, while taking time to figure out

what exactly about their behaviour is

triggering your feelings.

“In relationships, we learn a lot about

ourselves, and if someone is a friend to

everyone else, but not to me, perhaps

there is something about me and my

background that has something to do

with that. I get people to think about

their own background, their own pattern

with friendships and why this person

might be winding them up – doing a

lot of self-examination before shaming

or blaming.

“Use your emotions as your guide.

If you’re feeling something, that is

generally a good indicator that

something is going on. Then it’s time

for you to sit down, notice it, name it

and figure it out, before jumping into

any action steps. It’s that introspection

step that I think people struggle with.

People come in to see me saying, ‘I just

want this person to change’ or ‘I just

want them to understand me better.’

Actually, we need to start with your

contribution and what’s going on for

you, and the emotion is the indicator.”

Tips & takeaways

For meeting new people: Seek out

unfamiliar faces at parties, join a

sports team or club, find meet-up

groups, or volunteer.

For meaningful connection: Have

the courage to be vulnerable, open

and expose your authentic self.

For shyness: Find a meet-up group

specifically for introverts, or consider

seeing a psychologist for social anxiety.

For rekindling faded friendships:

Ask the other person if they would be

interested in being friends again, and

identify what made the friendship fade

so you can improve.

For toxic friendships: Keep busy and

let the connection fade over time, and if

necessary, give the other person some

gentle feedback on what has happened

and how they have made you feel.

For personality clashes in a group:

Remove yourself emotionally from that

person, and try to figure out what exactly

is triggering you. Is it something to do

with your own background?

For tough times: If you’re upset, see

your emotions as cues to self-reflect first,

rather than a cue to react impulsively.

‘I get people to think about their own background, their own pattern with

friendships– doing a lot of self-examination be

Sometimes relationships turn

bad and veer into bullying.

If you think you’re being

bullied, visit bullyingfree.nz

or wellplace.nz to find

resources and support for

yourself or others.

(

‘It’s actually really

painful when you’ve had

a good connection with

someone and it changes

( for some reason’