Ask the expert
A friend of mine recently had a
miscarriage. I called but she never
called me back. Her husband told
me they needed space and time
to deal with their loss. I want to
help – but she’s shutting me out.
What should I do?
A
I’m hearing a lot about what
you feel and not a lot about what
your friend is feeling. A miscarriage is a
devastating experience and your friend
needs to grieve. The best thing you can
do is give her the space and time she
needs to heal. In the meantime,
stop and ask yourself why you
feel so uncomfortable? Is your
identity wrapped up in being
‘seen’ as a good friend ‘doing’
all the right things – and if you
can’t, you feel invalidated?
Get to the bottom of your panic
- does it reflect reality? Most
of the time our fears don’t.
I’m getting married soon. My fiancé wants
us to live with his parents so we can save
for a deposit on a home, but I’m not
comfortable about it. What should we do?Newlyweds need their own space. If you’re living with
your in-laws, your new identity as a married couple could
be stifled. Don’t try to skip the stress of paying bills and rent, it’s
actually healthy during the first year of marriage to have these
demands as it teaches you and your husband how to work through
issues together. It also gives you a great opportunity to bond and
strengthen the relationship as you learn to rely on each other.
Why not discuss other options with your fiancé, such as living
in a small, one-bedroom apartment? Or could you wait until
you’re financially more secure before you tie the knot?I’ve been dating someone for
almost a year who told me he didn’t
want a committed relationship.
But recently, he has been wanting
to spend more time with me.
Does that mean he’s changed his
mind and does want to commit?A
Loving someone and committing
to someone are two different
things. Loving someone is a wonderful,
romantic feeling – it’s fun. A committed
relationship, on the other hand, requires
emotional maturity as you’re putting
someone else’s needs ahead of your
own. To me, this man sounds like
he has no trouble expressing his
wants and needs. He told you he
didn’t want to commit. So far he
hasn’t told you any different. Why
not ask him where he thinks this
relationship is going? You
need to know if you’re both
heading in the same direction.PSYCHOLOGIST JENNIFER GARTH EXPLAINS WHY
NEWLYWEDS NEED THEIR OWN SPACE, AND THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND COMMITMENT‘Don’t try to skip the stress of paying bills’
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[email protected].
No correspondence will
be entered into.I’m in my 30s and have been
cutting myself, on and off, since I
was 14. I want to stop – but can’t.
It’s like an addiction. Help.A
Self-harm can become addictive.
It may start off as something you
do to feel more in control during times
of emotional turmoil or stress, but it
doesn’t take long before the cutting is
controlling you. A therapist can help you
identify emotional triggers like sadness,
anger or shame that cause you to cut- and help you deal with the issues that
made you want to hurt yourself in the
first place. Talk to your doctor about a
referral to a mental health care specialist.
A