The Ethicist
Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’Ratting out a
colleague is
the opposite of
collegial,
needless to say.
Yo u d o n’ t
want to make
a habit of it.secondborn reacted in hurt and anger
after learning of our fi rstborn’s conception.
We’ve been married now for a
very long time. We built our lives from
scratch. We both had meaningful
careers. We provided a stable home
for our family. I obviously feel defensive.
I’ve had a blizzard of emotions
about this — anger at the relative, stunned
by our secondborn’s response
and disappointment in myself for not
handling the information diff erently.
In spite of this revelation, our fi rstborn
still regards my husband as a father.
And our thirdborn feels extra compassion
and love for my husband and me.
How do we account for such diff erent
reactions?Name WithheldThere’s a familiar reproach in these situ-
ations, which your secondborn’s conduct
invites: Don’t make this about you. It’s
morally unattractive when people award
themselves starring roles in dramas in
which they are, at most, only a second-
ary character. Your other children under-
stand the diffi culties of that period were
yours, not theirs.
To be more charitable about it, maybe
what your secondborn is feeling comes
from not having been trusted with the
truth. Owing to temperament or expe-
rience, your secondborn may feel espe-
cially vulnerable here. Of course, you may
have had your reasons for not telling your
children; even if you’d meant to tell them
at some point, it would have been hard
to pick the right time. Let your second
child know you’re sorry (if you are) that
you didn’t tell him or her yourself.
But don’t beat yourself up. You’ve been
through a painful emotional experience,
and it’s hard to react coolly and calm-
ly when that happens. The one person
you’re entitled to be annoyed at is your
interfering relative (though the existence
of people like that is one reason family
secrets are best avoided). It’s unfortunate,
I’ll grant, that your secondborn isn’t taking
a leaf from your other children. But your
aggrieved child will forgive you eventually.
In the meantime, forgive yourself.Ratting out a colleague is the opposite
of collegial, needless to say. You don’t want
to make a habit of it, and your reluctance to
do so is commendable. Given the details of
the situation, however, there’s a case to be
made for disabusing your blinkered boss.Fifty years ago, my boyfriend and I parted
ways after living together. He joined the
military ahead of being drafted. We were
very young and agreed to stay friends.
A year later, I was pregnant by
another man. I chose not to tell anyone,
and was preparing to be a single,
unwed mother when my boyfriend came
back to me and asked me to marry
him. He said he accepted this child.
My boyfriend and I married,
and he has been a father to our fi rstborn
and to our second and third children.
Fast-forward to decades later, when
our secondborn heard from a relative that
I was pregnant with another man’s
child when I married my boyfriend. Ourconcern is that it undermines your boss:
Managers can’t manage well when they
don’t have accurate information about
those they’re managing.
There’s no easy way for you to let her
know this, as you point out. You don’t
want to sound merely embittered. But
it’s a problem that your boss thinks she
has a competent proposal writer when
she hasn’t. And of course, there’s an issue
of equity raised by the fact that Carrie’s
being paid more than you while bringing
less to your common pursuit. The next
time Carrie asks for your help — and she
will — why not say that you’d prefer to
discuss with the boss the possibility of
your being assigned to mentor her offi -
cially, given the time it will take you?
That way the director has a better pic-
ture of what’s really going on, and you
won’t have to pay the penalty for getting
behind with your actual job. On the other
hand, you could just go to her and tell
the director everything you’ve told me.