A 75% larger
back* provides
up to 10 hours
of protection,
so you can
sleep through
the night.HOWEVER
YOU SLEEP,
YOU ’RE
PROTECTED.
*^ vs. Always Ultra Thin Regular with wings
© Procter & Gamble, Inc., 2019ELLECANADA.COM 85
life
the so-called “sandwich generation.” The boomers may have been the
first to be defined by the juggling act of supporting their children while
also caring for their parents, but Gen-Xers and millennials have put the
term into overdrive, thanks to demographic changes and high hous-
ing costs that didn’t exist when it was first coined in 1981. “We have
this population: Their parents are still around and need increasingly
more care, but because they delayed [having children], their kids are
young enough that they still need child care—they’re between these
competing demands,” says Angelina Grigoryeva, an assistant professor
of sociology at the University of Toronto who specializes in inequalities
in households.
All this caregiving, although it’s associated with several positive out-
comes like improved relationships (these days, I talk to my parents al-
most daily, which hasn’t been the case since I moved out almost 15 years
ago), can also lead to anxiety, fatigue and resentment, say the experts. A
few of my friends have passed up job opportunities abroad because of
caregiving demands at home, and I definitely wish I could have pressed
“delete” on some things I said (and thought), like the argument my
dad and I recently had when he asked me to help him with some home
repairs and then tried to send my (prepaid) contractor away at the last
minute when he changed his mind. Twice.
You can probably guess where I’m going with this: Women are bear-
ing the brunt of this unpaid emotional and physical labour. A joint 2012
study by Carleton and Western universities found that we are twice
as likely to feel the pinch of the sandwich generation as men are: We
are not only more apt than men to be caregivers but also more likely
to find the role demanding and be negatively affected by it, mostly
because we have so much else on our plates. “Women today are balan-
cing careers and children and supporting their families,” says Deirdre
Speers, executive director of the social-services agency Family Services
Ottawa. “There’s a sense of ‘How do I do all this for all these people?’”
Interestingly, my brother, who lives just 15 minutes away from our
parents, considers meeting up with our dad weekly for Sunday brunch
the extent of his filial responsibilities. It’s a complicated story, but it’s
not an unusual division of labour—Grigoryeva’s research has found
that adult sons provide relatively less care to their parents if they have
sisters, whereas for daughters it’s the opposite. For some, this caregiving
comes with a financial toll, particularly if they’re providing support to
parents while paying for daycare and other child-care costs or cutting
down on work hours in order to fulfill caregiving responsibilities. And
unlike in many other cultures, including my own, today most Canadians
are not living in multi-generational households where financial and time
burdens may be more easily shared among family members.
The good news? “There is help out there; you just have to take the
time to seek it,” says Speers, who recommends connecting with mu-
nicipal service agencies that may offer family support services. Finding
balance could also mean adding others to the care team to help with
your parents or your family, if necessary, or holding a family meet-
ing with siblings to create a shared plan for caring for elderly parents.
Also key is prioritizing yourself and saving time for things that make
you happy. “Try not to feel guilty,” adds Speers. “You can’t always be
there for everything, and you have to try to figure out the balance for
yourself in the big picture.” I’m working on it slowly but surely—and
in the meantime, I’m thankful to have both generations by my side.