(^76) | marieclaire.com.au
SELENA, 40
HAS A SON, 9, AND DAUGHTER, 4
“I tapped into my BDSM side a few
years ago when a friend took me to a
social event and I discovered the scene.
At that time, my daughter was about
one. My older child, my son, is autistic,
so my involvement in the BDSM
community became an important
outlet for me, one that helps me deal
with the challenges of
parenting a child on the
spectrum. It is a huge
responsibility and
requires so many
decisions on a daily basis.
When I am in a
submissive role, I feel this
liberating sense of release
in handing control over to someone
else. In that time, I feel playful and
truly free, in a safe environment that
respects my boundaries and has
simple, clear rules about consent.
I relate to both the visual and
sexual aspect of BDSM: I like some
pain but don’t consider myself a true
masochist. What I am most into
is power and sensual play, with
blindfolds, music, ice and wax. My
partner and I love dressing up in fetish
wear and run a club for like-minded
people. We also attend theme events
at Sydney’s Hellfire Club. He is not the
father of my kids – we met later in
the scene and share the lifestyle.
too. I have a young deaf client who has
very heavy sessions. Sometimes we’ll
end with his head in my lap as I stroke
his hair for 10 minutes. I also do fetish
work and receive foot worship, which
I love. But everything I do is CFNM
(Clothed Female/Nude Male).
Sometimes I’ll be at a fetish event
in thigh-high boots and have to rush
home, take off the make-up and latex,
then pick up my kids. Costume change!
In the school holidays, when I need to
work, the kids see me in full make-up,
with jeans. My daughter thinks it’s great
that I get to wear high heels. I always tell
her, ‘That’s because I’m the boss!’
Some close friends from the kink
world have met my children. The first
time a pro-domme (professional
dominatrix) saw me with them, she
was in shock at what a softie I became.
My house is my little sanctuary where
I make dinner and give cuddles. My
son was only seven when I started, and
they are both still oblivious. The kids
live with my ex during the week and I
have them every second weekend and
holidays. When I drop them at school,
I really struggle with being around
large groups of ‘vanilla’ people, with
everybody judging everybody else.
Everyone in my family knows
that I’m a pro-domme. They were very
distant with me for a long time, but
eventually realised that I am exactly
the same person – with a different job.
I’m glad because this is my passion.”
My kids don’t know anything
about the BDSM world – just that I
dress up and go to parties (they have
seen some of our outfits). They love
dressing up in costumes themselves
of course, so we raid the thrift shops
together for treasures. Kids usually
know a lot more than parents think,
so it’s best to talk to them as soon as
they start asking questions and just be
open. I’ll explain more when they get
curious and are mature enough to
understand. Because my son is
autistic, he will need to be told
useful, truthful, factual information.
Everyday people don’t talk to
their kids or family about their sex life
because it’s not appropriate, yet people
feel entitled to ask those who identify
as kinky or have an open relationship
about their sex life, even though it is
just as personal and intimate.
The other school mums can be
very quick to judge, so I keep my
BDSM existence separate. The few
mums I have told are mostly OK with
it and intrigued, joking about how
boring and suburban their lives are.
I have become close to some amazing
women in the kink world, who happen
to be mothers, and sometimes we do
family stuff together.
I maintain two
Facebook accounts: one
is very conservative and
‘vanilla’ [or non-kink] for
my family, including my
mum, who is a minister.
My ex-husband actually
outed me to my parents
- he is always up to something! They
were distressed and did not cope well,
which made things quite difficult for a
while but, in the end, it helped me set
some healthy boundaries with them.
Ultimately, I am still me – that is what
the people in my life have to realise.
My kink Facebook account is
where I can be my true self. The BDSM
community are my people and just get
me. They are so supportive, open-
minded and genuine – I have found a
real sense of belonging there.
We’re all a group of misfits who
come together across a huge age
range and accept each other fully –
something we don’t find anywhere else.”
“WE’RE A GROUP
OF MISFITS WHO
COME TOGETHER
AND ACCEPT
EACH OTHER”PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALANA LANDSBERRY. HAIR AND MAKE-UP BY KELLY BOWMAN AND VIC ANDERSON @ RELOAD.