Thrasher – August 2019

160 Thrasher

ow did you become a user of

drugs and/or alcohol?

I started drinking in my early teens

like most do, just experimenting. Then from

there it was weed, acid and whatnot.

When did you realize you had a problem?

I look back now and can see I had issues long

before realizing that I had a problem. Like I

just thought it was normal to drink to blackout

every time I drank and to smoke weed all day

everyday and take whatever drug was passed

my way. But it was all new and there were no

real consequences I was facing, it was still fun.

I think it was in my early 20s that I started

to realize that things had progressed and I

was often paying the consequences of my

partying, like people/friends not wanting to be

around me when I started drinking, fighting,

waking up beat up, getting arrested, waking up

in jail not remembering even getting arrested,

DUI, a drunken car wreck, etc. Not being able

to stop and doing the same lame shit over and

over regardless of knowing the likely outcome.

Then the consistency of needing harder drugs

on the regular came into the picture. From

there the drugs progressed to full-time crack

addiction and just getting high on my own all

day, like just getting high for days on end, not

skating, not wanting to be around anyone that

wasn’t on the same program. So it’s not just

one day you’re, like, I have a problem.

I knew full well I had an addiction problem

long before thinking I gotta get clean.

How bad did it get? What was the

breaking point that made you decide it

was time to stop/get help?

It just became the daily life of getting high

or figuring out how I was going to score. I

stayed on that program for about four years.

And then you’ve got all the shit that goes on

in between. When your sitting in crack motels,

getting high, running around skid row with

people that have been doing that shit for 20

years you see a lot of sad shit. I remember

having a moment one time in one of these

places seeing what was going on around

me and couldn’t believe how shitty and far

down my life had become and these types

of scenes were regular occurrences over the

years. I was lucky to have a couple moments

of clarity ‘cause that grimy lifestyle becomes

an addiction in itself. But really, man, it just

became such a mental and emotional bottom

that was the nightmare for me. I was really

lucky that my bottom with drugs and alcohol

didn’t have the end results that usually come

with that life. I’ve had friends and a family

member lose their life over this shit. I watched

my father go in and out of prison most of my

life growing up, all due to drugs and alcohol.

So I’m really grateful that wasn’t my destiny.

‘Cause I was getting really close to all that

shit. I really believe something was watching

over me. Getting sober didn’t work for me like

that. There wasn’t a breaking point. Really,

I look at it more like at 26 I started to back

outta the woods of alcohol and drugs. I was

lucky that I didn’t lose all my sponsors. I still

had something to look forward to, and people

that believed in me and I was really tired of

the life I was living. And I fucking missed

skating. So I started going to a program to

get sober and started skating a lot again. But

there were relapses from 26-30 years old. I

just started getting stretches of time sober and

certainly when you stop for periods of time

and get back to life with periods of abstinence

from drugs and alcohol some things naturally

get better. So it was at 30 that I truly asked

for help. It was an emotional, spiritual bottom

along with being on a trip and a friend and

teammate tragically passing away. That’s when

I decided to finally take the advice of people

who were in some of the programs I was

attending here and there. ‘Cause I truly started

to discover that drug and alcohol use was just

a symptom of my problem. I was miserable,

just not drinking. I had deeper issues that I

finally needed to face and truly work on.

How did you get sober?

I went to a program that most alcoholics, if

they’re lucky, find themselves in. Reached

out to a few people who had been around for

a while and asked them what I need to do

to truly get sober. Then I got to work. I did

everything they told me, no matter what it

was. I showed up even when I didn’t want to.

I cleaned house the best I could with the tools

they gave me, ‘cause I had to actually see if it

would work. Before that point I had half-assed

gotten clean. And life, in my head, sucked

sober or drunk, so I did what they said and I

started to learn a lot about a new way of living

and thinking, and things gradually got better

and I’ve stayed sober since. I’ll have 11 years

clean in September this year.

What are the challenges of staying

sober?

I think the challenges are that it’s ongoing

maintainance. Just ‘cause I don’t drink doesn’t

means that it’s problem solved. I’ve been

through enough with this shit to know that

alcoholism is in me; it’s a way of thinking

and acting. If I don’t stay on it and continue

to maintain, I easily fall victim to depression,

ungratefulness, anger, anxiety—basically

any negative head job that’s out there. Then

I start to live my life from that baseline and

my perspective gets bad. I’ve dealt with many

periods like that in sobriety. If it goes on long

enough and you don’t reach out for help you’ll

probably have a drink and there’s no telling

where or when that ends. Or just end it. Sober

people take there own lives all the time. This

shit really ain’t no joke, but I’ve been fortunate

to get back to what has worked for 11 years

and I stay with it.

H

ANTHONY VAN ENGELEN