your Life | Q&A
feature
ti-mediacontent.com
p hotography
iStock
A problem shared
WE ANSWER ALL YOUR FAMILY
AND RELATIONSHIP DILEMMASi'm tormented by work bullies
Q
when i got a new job recently, it felt
like a fresh start. then a few women
in the workplace began to bully me.
if i sat down at the same table at lunchtime
they’d move, and a couple of times I’d find
spilled drinks at my work station. eventually
i quit and moved back home to be near my
family and friends. i have started seeing
a therapist, and it’s been so helpful, but
i keep thinking about those women and
i have daydreams about getting my revenge.a
This has knocked your confidence, but
the only way to get it back is to accept
that they don’t matter and shouldn’t
take up any more of your headspace. They
acted this way because they had problems
and were silly enough to think making you
feel bad would make them feel good. What’s
important is that you are helped to feel better- your family, your therapist and friends will
help you do that. It's difficult, but let it go.
Q
a month ago my mother
told me my stepbrother got
into trouble with the law a
few years ago for downloading
child pornography. she found out
from another family member and
promised them she wouldn’t say
anything, but she’s felt awful ever
since. we’re having a family holiday
in a few months’ time and we’ll all
be staying in the same house buti don’t want him near my kids! should
i tell my brothers and stepsisters?a
A promise to shield anyone who
views child porn might protect
them, but it puts children at
terrible risk. It’s a promise your mother
never should have been asked to make,
and should not keep. If his behaviour is
not a rumour, and is a provable fact, tell
your siblings what you know, and say to
them that if he goes, your family won’t.Q
i met my husband 10
years ago after i left
an unhappy marriage.
a few weeks ago, we were having
a petty argument when he told
me that while all my friends and
family said it was my ex's fault
my first marriage ended, he knew
it was mine. he also said it was
my fault he left his now ex. When
i told him how much he’d hurt me
he just said, ‘you know me, i say
things i don’t mean.’ he won't
apologise and i'm so depressed.a
It’s one thing to say
your divorce was your
responsibility, quite another
to claim he was seduced away
from his previous wife. And to
compound it with ‘you know
what I’m like!’ is the height of
passive aggression. It sounds like
he might never take responsibility
for his own words and actions.
A relationship therapist can help
you talk this through. Give your
husband the chance to go with you- if he refuses, go on your own.
i can’t seem to move on
Q
My dad died five years ago and
last year my mom remarried.
i live far away but i can’t bear
visiting what once was my parents’
home. My siblings are fine with it,
but on my last trip there i found it
unrecognisable. my dad’s rock garden
is gone and the kitchen has been redone.
i left in tears. i got home to a message
from my mom, saying they’ve all moved
on from my dad’s death, and if i can’t
i shouldn’t spoil it for everyone else.a
you’ve not had long to grieve.
Living far away I bet you still
feel he’s there somehow, so
coming home puts you in the emotional
stage of just a few weeks after his death.
Meanwhile, everyone else has had five
years to deal with it. your mom might
feel your response is a reproach for her
having let your dad go, which explains
her reaction. Neither of you are right,
or wrong. What you need to get over
a loss is to work through it with a
counsellor specialising in bereavement,
then write to your mom, explaining.a famiLy seCret
is troubLing me
he won’t aPoLogise