11
MDthe washington post
.
thursday, august1
,
2019BY MEGHAN LEAHY
Q: I have two kids who are
2 and 3. My mom has been
very involved in their lives,
which has been wonderful
for them. Now she has a
terminal illness. She’s not as
available to them, and she’s
physically different and
extremely fatigued. They
are obviously aware
something is wrong, and
we’ve explained as best we
can. I am also struggling,
but I am making sure to ask
for help when I am
overwhelmed. The kids are
fine most of the time, but
sometimes we get bursts of
tears, night waking or
meltdowns, which are
unusual in our family. We
let them get all the feelings
out, provide a lot of one-on-
one time and try to keep
things as consistent as
possible. Is there anything
else we can do to help with
what we’re going through
now and prepare them for
when she’s no longer here?
A: I am so sorry, this is an
extraordinarily hard ordeal. I
cannot tell you why, but my first
thought is that I want to switch
every pronoun in your question
from “we” to “I” and “me.” Here’s
the thing: This is your mom with
the terminal illness, and though
your children are deeply
attached to her, it is hard to
compare their potential loss to
yours.
I am not necessarily sure this
is your situation, but I often run
into parents who have lost or are
on the brink of losing a parent
and are unconsciously
transferring their fear, grief and
worry onto their children. By all
standards, the children are doing
fine, but the parent insists on
finding strategies, books or the
just the right thing to say to
guarantee that the kids will be
okay.
Is there anything wrong with
this transference? No, not really.
A good parent doesn’t want their
children to suffer, and you want
to help them now as well as after
your mother is no longer here.
That’s a loving parent. But
there’s no fixing this scenario.
There isn’t a way to heal your
mom, there isn’t a way to change
her appearance, there isn’t a way
to take away your children’s fear
or tears, and there isn’t a way to
predict what will happen when
she’s gone.
What can you do? Well, 2- and
3-year-olds are blessed with a
“here and now” mind-set. Your
children are living in the present,
and the permanence of death is
not a concept they can yet fully
grasp. I don’t know how close to
4 your older child is, but they
may begin to have death fears,
and again, that is
developmentally appropriate.
“Terminal disease” doesn’t
really mean anything to your
children, and so her changing
body may be met with some
confusion and fear. Don’t burden
the children with too many
details; the important point that
you continue to make is that you
are okay and the children are
safe. Welcome your children’sworries and tears, and don’t
push the kids to visit, butalso
don’t hide your mother. Play it by
ear because, as you know, young
children’s emotions come and go.
It is also important to
remember that, because your
children are too young to
understand the details of what is
happening to your mom, they are
taking all of their cues from you,
as well as other important adults
in the house. As they say at the
Parent Encouragement Program,
“children are keen observers and
poor interpreters,” so if you are
distracted, depressed and angry,
your children won’t know it is
the grief. These preschool ages
are a myopic time of life. Young
children assume your behavior is
about them. I don’t want to place
undue pressure on your
shoulders, but when I see
children who are having sleep
problems, stomach problems,
and eating and toileting issues, I
always ask how the parent is
coping with this stress. All your
emotions run downstream to
your children.
With that in mind, here are
my ideas:Experience your own feelings
of fear and loss with all the
support you need. Children can
handle an adult’s big emotions;
it all just needs to feel safe. Find
friends or a support group that
will give you the space you
deserve to process your own
feelings.
Only answer the questions the
children ask. Don’t volunteer
detail after detail. They cannot
process it.
Up the connection, and be
ready for some neediness.
Though this will be exhausting,
get ready for your kids to become
nervous, especially at night or
other times of separation. It is a
fine line of allowing them to
attach to your leg and pushing
them off, but try to increase the
physical proximity to ease their
nervous systems.
Encourage joy and play. Your
children’s emotions ebb and
flow, and young kids are still
amazed by everyday life. Join
them in this joy; it is incredibly
healing and uplifting.
Find a way for the children to
still connect to their
grandmother. Maybe they makedrawings or sing (while you
record it) or take funny pictures... there are other ways to send
love.
Remember that tears are
nature’s way of moving grief
through the body. Children cry,
so try to welcome the tears
without too much interference.
Plant a tree or special plant for
your mother, and have the
children water it. It can provide
a nice time to touch on the grief
without going too deep.
When in doubt, go back to
number one.
Above all, have faith that you
can handle this hard transition.
Death is the one guarantee, and
how you model grief leaves an
indelible mark on your children.
Don’t be afraid to ask for love and
help — humans need it. Good
luck.
Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where
you can also find past columns. Her
next chat is scheduled for Aug. 7.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].ON PARENTING
My mom has a terminal illness. How do I help my kids cope?
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