the washington post
.
thursday, august
1
,2019
MD12
Family
Parenting coach and columnist
Meghan Leahy answered ques-
tions recently in an online chat.
Here is an edited excerpt.Q: For the past six months, our
happy, healthy 3-year-old son
has decided he only wants to
wear “girl clothes” — dresses,
skirts, princess costumes, nail
polish. We’re happy to let him
dress however he wants to
express himself, and we
encourage his creativity and
individuality. But we’re
concerned about exposing him
to situations he doesn’t
understand and isn’t prepared
to handle, such as rude or
unkind comments from
surprisingly lunkheaded adults.
So far, we’ve been managing
things by allowing him to dress
however he likes only at home,
while also supporting nail
polish, sparkly shoes and
ponytails whenever and
wherever he wants. How do we
decide whether it’s better to
protect him from
thoughtlessness he doesn’t
understand or encourage his
sweet creativity and imaginative
dressing?
A: I would like to blithely
recommend that you allow your
son to do as he pleases where he
pleases, but I recognize that isn’t
a safe or prudent option for
many parents in many parts of
the country and world. He is
only 3, so you can get away with
allowing him to do as he pleases,
and I empathize with the worry
that comes with the shaming of
the world vs. shaming your son
into “boy” clothes every time he
leaves the house. There isn’t an
easy answer here. Take it day by
day, see if you can let him be
truly himself as much as
humanly possible, and have your
statements ready for adults who
question what they see.Q: Four years ago, my husband
and I got a German shepherd
puppy, Daisy, whom we love. She
has always been sweet as can be
— we’ve never once had a
problem with her. Last year, I
got pregnant by surprise, and we
had our daughter four months
ago. Before our daughter was
born, we did research about how
to best introduce the baby to
Daisy. We followed the advice
and calmly introduced the baby,
but then Daisy actually snapped
at our daughter. She didn’t make
contact, but I was terrified.
Since then, every time Daisy
hears the baby make a noise or
sees the baby, she growls. My
home is covered in baby gates,
and now I’m going crazy tryingto make sure that they don’t get
within 20 feet of each other. My
husband works, and I stay at
home, so it’s mostly me doing all
of this gatekeeping, and I’m
losing it. I feel like my baby is
constantly in danger, and poor
Daisy spends much more time
alone in her crate or shut
outside than I would like.
Nobody here is winning. How I
should proceed? Do I stick it out
and hope that as my daughter
gets older, Daisy will be better
with her? Or should I re-home
our dog, which will break my
heart but also allow me to relax
a bit more? Any advice is
welcome for this very tired and
worried mama.
A: You either spend the money
and time to work with a dog
trainer who is experienced in
these issues or you re-home.
(And by the way, after spending
thousands of dollars, you still
may need to re-home the dog.
But it could be worth it; it’s your
call.)
You are right; this entire set
up is unfair to the dog, the baby
and you. It is untenable, and the
baby will only become more
active and in the dog’s face. Get
support, stat.Q: I signed up my 3-year-old up
for a soccer camp this week. It is
1 1 / 2 hours each morning. He
loves to play with the soccer ball
in our yard, so I thought he’d
enjoy it. He doesn’t. It’s a little
too long and way too hot. He
made it through about the first45 minutes of the first two days
before he just wanted to sit next
to me. I made us both sit there
and watch the rest of the
sessions. Today, he told me he
didn’t want to go, but I took him
anyway. He played begrudgingly
for the first 45 minutes. Now
he’s happily swinging on the
swings at the playground while
the rest of the soccer session
takes place on the nearby field.
Do I force him to go to the next
two days? Or just chalk this up
to lessons learned — this isn’t
his jam right now? And what do
I do about another camp (half-
day, indoor) that he’s signed up
for in August for a week? I want
him to be entertained this
summer, but maybe he’s too
young for these daily camps?
Thanks!
A: I think you know your
answer: He has 45 minutes of
this stuff, and that is all he can
give. See how much money you
can get for the August camp.Q: Re: Toddler who likes girls’
clothes: Try searching for trans
youth groups in your area. Not
saying your son is trans, but
you’re going to find parents that
have dealt with the same issues.
Speaking to others will help you
figure out what is right for your
family. PFLAG would be a good
place to start.
A: This is excellent advice.
Finding other parents who are
there or who have been there is
a great comfort, and they can
also offer practical advice.Q: I have a very generous
maternity leave. I had a
Caesarean section two weeks
ago, and I’m home with my
newborn until mid-September.
Here’s the thing: I’m bored, and
I don’t enjoy the newborn stage.
Once they can smile and
interact, I like babies, and I
adore my 3-year-old. Right now,
my newborn is either a napping
lump (which is like 20 hours of
the day) or he cries and doesn’t
want any of my solutions —
nursing, clean diaper, pacifier,
etc. We’re also stuck at home
because of the heat and my
inability to drive. I went through
my emails this morning (which
I’m not supposed to do on
medical leave), and I felt better
— more competent, less trapped.
Any suggestions on how to get
through the next eight weeks
until we can start day care and I
can get back to work?
A: Okay, so work emails lifted
your spirits, good to know! Are
there books or something you
can order (in your field of
interest) that would keep your
mind going? An online class?
Many people will say rest and
sleep, but if this is your mojo, go
with it. I started my business
three weeks after my third was
born, C-section, and I had two
others at home. Get creative!Q: Older child turns 6 tomorrow,
and we’ve been struggling with
boundary testing with a lot of
mean words and yelling and
lying about whether she’d putconditioner in her hair and that
she’d gone on a field trip at day
camp — to the point of naming
the child she sat with on the
nonexistent bus. With that last
one, she told us she was
practicing fibbing. We’re trying
to focus on connection and
making sure she’s getting
enough rest and food (I show up
to camp pickup with ice water
and a snack every day, even
though she’s just eaten). That
seems to help with the
meanness, but we’re sort of
baffled about how to deal with
the lying — other than to call her
on it (gently) and move on. Is
this some of what my dad calls
“age-typical inappropriate
behavior”? I’m struggling not to
react to both the meanness and
the lying. She tends to be
sensitive and shuts down when
she gets embarrassed, so we’re
trying to be gentle.
A: Oh, I love her! She is
practicing fibbing? Yes! I see a
fiction writer!
When my children practiced
fibbing and told me (which is a
great sign, by the way), I would
also practice telling a tall tale.
Then we would go to the library
and check out books on tall
tales. We would keep the stories
going for weeks, with twists and
turns. Every now and then, we
would remind each other what
was real and what wasn’t, but I
love the creative mind.
Mean words and a 6-year-old
go hand in hand. Ride it out
with some loving boundaries
(she may experience a
consequence), but keep the
connection as your north star.Q: Re: Dog. I’d start by
contacting a local rescue
organization, the more breed-
specific the better. They can
probably give you advice on
trainers and other resources in
your area, and if you do have to
re-home your dog, they will be
able to help you find the best
home. I had to re-home my
shepherd mix when my third
baby was born. I was able to
keep the dog and kids apart
while my twins were babies, but
once they were mobile and I was
distracted by a newborn, it was a
ticking time bomb of a situation.
It was hard, but the dog is much
happier now, and my house is
less stressful.A: Excellent advice, thank you!
Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the rest of this transcript and
submit questions to the next chat,
Aug. 7 at 11 a.m., at
live.washingtonpost.com.PARENTING Q&A
A boy who likes ‘girl clothes,’ a girl who fibs and a restless mom
ORBON ALIJA/GETTY IMAGES