120 InSTYLE AUGUST 2019
interview with Rolling Stone, confirming that she was no
longer telling Cindi May weather’s story but rather her
own. A weight had been lifted, though not being able to
hide behind a character came with its own set of problems.
“The majority of [my family] grew up Baptist, and the
sermons would all be around how if you are a homosexual
or if you’re gay and you don’t repent and live a hetero
normative life and get married, well ... hell is your final des
tination,” says Monáe. “I talked to my mom and dad first,
and my mom, in particular, had a lot of questions. I said,
‘Mama, the only way that I can create art is to truthfully
tell my story. It has to come from an honest place, and this
is who I honestly am. I don’t know any other way. I have to
talk about my sexuality. I have to talk about my blackness.
I have to talk about my womanness. I have to talk about
these things. This is who I am as a person.’ ”
Though she admits that not everyone in her extended
family has fully embraced her coming out, Monáe is not
holding grudges. (Her mom, meanwhile, has become her
staunchest defender back in Kansas City, telling prying
relatives, “I don’t want to have to slap a fool, but I will overmy daughter.”) She’s even getting accustomed to a whole
new host of questions about her sexuality, mainly whom
she is dating. “I’m a very private person, so I’ve been try
ing to navigate the space of talking about identity without
disclosing that information,” says Monáe. “We’re in a
culture where people obsess and obsess over those sorts
of things. And I get it.”
When asked about what brings her pleasure, Monáe
is less coy. “Masturbation,” she says matteroffactly.
Though it may seem like an attentiongrabbing statement,
it is rooted in practicality. “I have been in situations where
as a young girl you have compromised your morals and
your values and you feel used,” she says. “And I’m like, ‘If
my mother had let me have a vibrator at a young age to be in
touch with my body more, I could have saved myself from
so many poor decisions.’ You know what I’m saying?”
Dirty Computer was not only freeing in the obvious way.
A selfprofessed perfectionist, Monáe has since started
embracing her mistakes and imperfections. The things
that make her, you know, human. “When I first came
up with the motto ‘Embrace what makes you unique, even
if it makes others uncomfortable,’ I should have added,
‘even if yourself is the other,’ ” she says. “At the time Iwould say it, but I really didn’t mean it.
“Embracing your uniqueness is an active choice,”
she continues. “I don’t wake up looking flawless every
morning. I don’t wake up feeling empowered. I don’t wake
up feeling fearless. I have to actively choose to feel that
way.” She adds with a laugh, “I’m like Issa Rae in Insecure,
like, ‘Bitch, keep it together!’ ”
So, when does she actually feel powerful?
Monáe thinks for a second. “That’s a tricky question
because power dynamics do exist. For example, if I walk
in [a room] and I’m the only black woman in a room of
white folks and they are making decisions, there is a
power dynamic there where I feel like I may have to assert
myself more, or I may be a little uncomfortable, depending
on what’s on the table for me to own. That used to intimi
date me, but now when I walk in, I realize that I am an
important piece of the puzzle. My ideas matter. What I
have to create has the potential to shape the world, to
change the narrative, to be more inclusive.”
With her emboldened sense of self, Monáe is ready to
develop more projects through her production company,
Wondaland Pictures. She wants to direct
and plans to take filmmaking courses,
and she’s superexcited to realize some
of her ideas as a writer. In addition, she’s
keen to explore new modes of communi
cation beyond her own brand of interga
lactic slanguage. “I speak android, which
is helpful for the future, since we will
be merging.” Pause. “But I really want to
be fluent in French.”
Uninhibited and unafraid, she says
that auditions no longer make her anxious, but her nerves
do manifest in other, entirely relatable ways. “I get ner
vous at the thought of giving birth,” she says. “I haven’t
had a child yet, and I think the Internet makes everything
feel like the worst can happen. Then, in actuality, it is true
for black women—they have such a high mortality rate
when they’re giving birth.
“[Having a baby] is like a sciencefiction movie,” she
adds. “It’s miraculous. My grandmother had 12 kids, and I
heard she went to work the next day after she had one of
my aunts. I come from that woman, you know? If she can
do that, you know I can take it to the next level.”
To Monáe, it’s all connected—music, film, art, sex,
babies. The allknowing third eye is always on watch. She
tells a story of being overcome with emotion at the sight
of a colorchanging star one night after a concert in Palm
Springs. The sky was clear, and Monáe watched as what
she perceived to be Sirius flickered from red to green to
blue. She started crying, awed by its magnificence.
“That was the only time I’ve been starstruck,” she says
with a laugh. “Literally. But it just made me realize that
me and the universe are cool, you know? I’m at peace with
what it gives me.” n“What I create has thepotential to shape the world,to change the narrative,to be more inclusive.”