174 WWW.THEFIELD.CO.UK
COUNTRYESTATE
HOWARD’S WAY
I confessI was notatthat timea devoteeof
theaforementioned B&B realityshow,so I could
onlyspluttera somewhat flummoxed reply
WE seemtohavehada surfeit ofvisitors
thisyear.Andit isonlyAugust.I sayonly
August,becausemytaxbrain,whichcur-
rentlyoverrides everythingelse, tellsme
thatwearejustfourmonthsintothenew
year. I was expecting a nice quiet year
with no cunning restoration plans and
tryingtoaccumulateenoughcashtokeep
Roythe rooferin lead,the youngadults
inalcoholandpillsandTheMediaQueen
and myselfin exoticholidays.But aswe
know the best-laid schemes o’ mice an’
men,gangaftagley.
Allwasgoingquitewelluntila decision
wastakentoprisemy25-year-oldsonout
of his childhood bedroom. The aim was
the creation of anothermajestic chamber
capable of accommodating eithera visit-
ing plutocrat bent on the destruction of
squillions of tweety birds or a cultured art
A surprisepartyinthemakingsawPhilipHowardactouthisroleasboth
chauffeur and B&B owner, while working hard not to let the moles out of the bag
Four in a bed, excluding the moles
Hopefullytheroomwillbereadybythe
endofSeptemberas,incidentally,willbemy
latesttaxidermytreasure.Aswespeak,the
incomparableMrTaxidermyisputtingthe
finaltouchestomylatestcommission– The
MoleOlympics.Trackandfieldwillberep-
resented.Discus,javelin,shotput,hurdling
moleswillallbecompeting,aswilla Usain
‘lightning’Boltmolecelebratingvictory. That
remindsmeofa funnystory.
InApril,wehada fantasticgroupof 20 for
theweekend.It wasa specialpartytocel-
ebratethebirthdayofmycharmingclient’s
husband.Hehadmanaged to keep it secret
sinceNovember.
The Friday morning of the birthday
he told him to pack his passport and a
blacktieandbeatEustonstationbymid-
day. They travelled north. Somewhat to
his spouse’s surprise they disembarked at
lover coming to see the joys and beau-
tiesoftheCumbrianlandscape.Butjusta
cursoryinspectionfromthenewteamof
house fairies created squeals of protest.
Dusters, mopsand J-clothsweredowned
untilMickeythebuilderwassentinwear-
inga Hazmatsuit.It wouldhavebeenless
hazardousandcertainly cheaper to decom-
mission Chernobyl.
Carlisle.AndI was theretopickthem up.
“So,whoareyou?”askedthebirthdayboy.
“The chauffeur,” I replied. “Say no more,
Philip,”instructed theclient.Wedroveon,
butasa coupleoftheguestshadbeenhiding
atthebackoftheLondontrainuntilweleft,
weendeduphavingtotakethescenictour
pastHadrian’sWall to give them time to get
there before us.
“So,whatdoyoudo?” asked the husband.
“Ihavea B&B.”
“Howmanyrooms?”heshotback.
“Weeny,”I replied.Therewasa pause.
“So,whatdoyouthinkofFourina Bed?”
Now,I confessI wasnotatthattimea devo-
teeoftheaforementionedB&Brealityshow,
soI couldonlyspluttera somewhatflum-
moxedreply.“Well, I supposeyou cantry
anythingonce.”This evoked much hilarity
fromthebackseat.
We drewup in front of nearbyLaner-
cost Priory to kill some time until a text
alertedustothefactthatalltheguestshad
assembled.Aswewereleaving,I noticedin
thenextfieldthevelvetfigureofmyfriend
WilsonMakepeacetheMoleman.I leaptout
ofthecar.“Wilson,I amindesperateneed of
12 moremolesforTheOlympiad.”
“That’s not a problem,” he replied. “In
fact,I’vegotfourlovelyfreshonesthiseven-
ing.”Andhepromptlyfishedthemoutofhis
pocketandplonkedthemintomyhands.I
couldseetwoneckscraningoutofthecar
windows. I shuffled around. “We need a
bag,”I hissed.ReturningtothecarI placed
thebagintotherearfootwell.I smiledatmy
somewhatbemusedguests.“Justdon’task,
andwhateveryoudo,doNOTopenthebag.”
IhavetosaythatI willforeverremem-
berthelooksofamazement,astonishment
andpurejoyaswewalkedthebirthdayboy
throughthe castleuntilfinallyhereached
TheOldLibrary,whichwasfullofallhisbest
friendsandfamily.Andwhat’smore they are
coming back to see the moles.
