WWW.THEFIELD.CO.UK 49
Hands whichat other times wield thepenarenowwielding thegun on a Scottishmoor
WithfieldsportsandParliamentbothout,EveJonesfindsherself
looking to a Pyrex bowl on the kitchen table for entertainment
It’s the silly season
HOWdofishmakelove?JillyCooperonce
suggestedtomethatthiswashowI should
kickstart a Field column. I thought of it
recently,asI foundmyselfagainflickingon
toITV’sLoveIslandtowatcha groupofoily
bodiesflexing andfumblingunder duvets
intheirMallorcanvilladormitory.Forthose
unfamiliarwithLoveIsland, it isa goldfish
bowlofmillennialcontestantsplonked on
anislandtogetherina realitydatingshow
forthedurationofthesummer,ina bidto
find‘love’.I onlyhavea vagueideahowor
if fishactuallymakelove,butsuspectwhen
theydo it’swith morecharisma than the
LoveIslandcast.Evenso,I switchondaily
tocheckouttheir fishybehaviour,despite
fibbingtoMrDthatI don’t in an attempt to
appearmorehighbrow.
Meanwhile,onMrD’skitchentablewe’ve
a goldfishbowl,orrathera Pyrexbowl,ofour
own,thathas provedmoreacceptable.At
thestartofthesummer,witha gangofkids
roundfora barbecueandina fitofchildhood
nostalgia,I decidedtofisha netoftadpoles
outof thepond tokeep in the house. All
20ishtadpolesweredulychristenedRosie
bythekids,whichmadeit easytoidentify
thembutthefamiliarityaddedtotheparen-
talneurosisthataccompaniedkeepingthem
alive, well and uncannibalistic. Rosie #1, an
early developer with unfortunately large
thighs,tendedtobullythesmallerRosiessoI
wasconstantlywagginga fingeratherpatch
ofthepondweed.Whenshegraduatedto
frogletandcrawledoutontothe rock,we
decidedshelookedlikemoreofa Jeffand,
in true teenager style, he decided rules
weren’tforhimandhoppedoutofthebowl
andacrossthekitchen.I’vesincedecidedto
leavethebowlbythepondsotheycantake
theirchanceswiththecoycarp.Harsh, but
youcan’tholdtheirhandforever...
While preoccupation with Love Island
andmybowlofamphibiouschildrenprob-
ably speaks volumes about my ability to
procrastinate,inmydefenceJulytoAugustis
a habituallysteadytime.Thosenotanchored
by relentless weddings, tend to be on holi-
dayorsittinginanofficewishingtheywereon
holiday,whileforcountrysportsloversimpa-
tiencesettlesin.I, forone,amitchingtoget
backinthehuntingsaddle,whilstelsewhere
hoursarebeingcounteduntilTheTwelfthand
excitingearlySeptemberpartridgedaysbegin.
It’s nonewphenomenon. The lessweighty
pages of the summer newspapers were coined‘TheSilly Season’in the 13 July 1861 Satur-
day Review, suggesting that as Parliament
hadgoneinto summerrecess,“TheTimes’s
greatmenhavedoubtlessgoneoutoftown,
like othergreat men...The hands which at
othertimeswieldthepenforourinstruction
arenowwieldingthegunona Scotch moor...
Workis lefttofeeblerhands.”
Now,if theheadlines,‘Crackaddictsquir-
relsplagueBrixton’,‘Womanusesdolphinas
midwife’and‘Northerndogs’tailswagmore’
arepennedbyfeeblerhands,thenI saylet
thegreatmenstayonthemoorbecausein
theeraof‘newsworthy’,24/7BrexitandBoris
coverage,I knowwhatI’dratherbe read-
ing.TaketheAugust 2009 tragedyof‘The
extraordinarylife andsuspicious death of
Benson the giant carp’, whose obituary wasfront-pagenewsinTheTimes. Bensonwas
a 25-year-old,60lbcarpwhocametoa pre-
matureendwhen,asit transpired,a careless
fishermanpoisonedherwithdroppedraw
tigernuts.Muchbelovedforhavingallowed
herself to be caught 60 times, her death
causedripplesacrossnationalpress.
Backin2001,there’dbeenaquaticdrama
whenRobertRines,theUSinvestigatorwho’d
capturedanimageofa ‘flipper’inLochNess
in1974,claimedthatNessiemayhavebeen
killed bypollution.“Icouldn’ttellyouif he
wasstillalive,”readthegrippingtale.
Inthesummerof2016,a flockof‘stoned
sheep’werereportedtohavegoneona ‘psy-
chotic rampage’ after eating the remains
ofa fly-tippedcannabisfactory.Thesheep
terrorisedthewelshvillagersofRydypandy,
breakingintohomesand‘causinghavoc’.
Germandairy cowYvonnehada more
positive receptionin 2011 havingescaped
her Munich farm as she was due to be
slaughtered.Spendingthreemonthsonthe
run,witha €10,000priceonherhead,vari-
oustacticswereemployedtogetherback.
Ernst, a virile bull with “a deep baritone
moo... the George Clooney of bulls,” was
broughtintoenticehertonoavail.Shewas
finallycaughtinSeptember,wanderinginto
anotherherdofcows,andwasboughtbyan
animalsanctuary, havingbecome a poster
girl ‘freedomfighterfor the animal-loving
Germanrepublic’.
In1987,TheSunfrontpageran,‘Werewolf
seized in Southend’ then, in 1990, ‘Victor
Meldrewfoundinspace’,whichturnedout
to be a star constellation discovered by
scientists. There are archives ofstories of
celebrityfacesappearinginhouseholditems- Jesus most frequently,in anythingfrom
toasttofriedcod– andgiantandrudeplants
orvegetablesarestaplesillyseasonfare.In
2011,a 23ftsunflowermadelocal headlines,
nicknamedtheEiffelFlower.
TheSaturdayReviewcomplainedthatin
SillySeason“wesinkfromnonsensewritten
witha purposetononsensewrittenbecause
the writer must write either nonsense or
nothing”.If youaskme,nonsenseis subjec-
tiveandif it’ssufferinga summerofBrexit
reporting or enjoying a scoop about fish
bonkingandrunawayfrogs,allhailtheSilly
Season, it makes far more sense to me.