“Congratulations, you divorced that person none of us liked!”
Nothing calls for a booze-fuelled drama fest like a party to recognise
your friend has divorced the lying, cheating, flaky-scalped scoundrel
that nobody liked in the first place. It’s time for everyone to drink five
gin cocktails and scream about the time he turned up to a children’s
party wearing clown shoes and a jockstrap, or the time he told her
she was “sorta pretty”. Get up in your friend’s face and compound
her misery by asking if she’s considered freezing her eggs, then
watch as she falls off a bar stool trying to show her boobs to a
stranger. Happy days!
“So, you’re allergic to fruit.” Nobody likes fruit anyway, so this should
be a joyous occasion. Set up an automated slideshow of all the
disgusting fruits your pal no longer has to feel guilty about not eating- apricots, yuck! Who ever really enjoyed a rockmelon? Say goodbye
to grapefruits, and hello to your new diet of salami, potatoes and
blue Gatorade. Hold a sing-along to Neil Diamond’s “Cherry Cherry”,
one of the worst songs ever recorded, and this is sure to be a rager.
Ask the guests to chip in and buy a five-litre bucket of vitamin C
supplements, so your fruit-free mate doesn’t get scurvy.
“You failed your bobcat licence exam – woohoo!” A bobcat may be a
tiny earthmover, but it can have a big impact on your self-esteem if
you’re deemed too reckless and incompetent to operate one. This is
less a party and more a funeral for your friend’s career in this nation’s
thriving building demolition industry, and it must be permeated by a
tone of dignified mourning. White floral arrangements and a large,
tastefully lit photograph of a bobcat would be appropriate, as would
a light-but-sombre piano arrangement.
“Happy fifth anniversary of the time you farted in a crowded lift.”
Some people may be confused by an invitation to a party celebrating
the time you crop-dusted an elevator full of innocent people just
going about their daily lives. But enormous farts are nothing to
sniff at – they indicate that your gut biome is well and robust, able
to transmute the stringiest stalks and beans into pure methane
gas. There are people in the world who would give their right leg
for intestinal flora as healthy as this. Try to fart on each guest
individually as they walk in the door, so they know their presence
is truly appreciated on this very special occasion.
“Well done on naming your kid Bonathan.” The aim of a party
celebrating a terrible child-naming decision is, ultimately, to
convince the parents to choose a different name. Try playing well-
known name-based love songs like Toto’s “Rosanna”, but record
yourself saying “Bonathan” in an unimpressed deadpan tone where
the song’s original name should be. Put up vintage black and white
posters of John F. Kennedy, but replace his name with ‘Bonathan’
and his face with little Bonathan’s face to illustrate how this name
is an impediment to success. Give out fortune cookies with other
name suggestions inside, and be ready for the parents’ reactions
to your generosity by wearing a fully bulletproof vest.
“Bring your favourite public servant to dinner.” No matter which
public servant you choose – the surly lady at the Medicare office
who tells you to claim online next time; one of the dorks from the
National Measurement Institute who checks all the rulers are
accurate; or a lollipop man who works for the local council – this
is sure to be a special occasion. Make sure all the food meets the
relevant national standards, and don’t even think about inviting
your libertarian friend who believes the state is an oppressive
thief of freedom. If you have an outstanding tax debt, be ready
to get dragged kicking and screaming into a police wagon at the
conclusion of the cheese course.you’re invıted
ELEANOR ROBERTSON HAS
SOME SLIGHTLY INAPPROPRIATE
PARTY IDEAS.
something to say