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APRIL 2020 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 35“I’m depressed in winter – and it’s worse on maternity leave”
I get down in winter as I
struggle with the grey days
and lack of sun. Last year was
especially hard because I was at home
with my baby and noticed the weather
more than when I was out working. I
am still at home, which is what I want,
but I am scared of this feeling.
I know it’s hard to change when
you’re down, but I know I need to
tackle it as I would any other health
issue. Any advice? Name suppliedA
A
QQ“I can’t get any peace from my needy, pawing husband”
My man is a great husband
and father but he drives
me mad with his constant
displays of a ection. It’s not just
kisses – he rubs himself up against
me, feeling my legs and breasts, and
wakes me up in the night for cuddles.
Admittedly, our sex life isn’t what
it was (two children, an ailing father
and a job mean I’m always tired) but
his behaviour is getting me down. He
says it’s because he loves and desires
me but I feel guilty and self-conscious.
What can I do? Name suppliedreach out with many arms to make
the relationship stronger. Turtles
withdraw to protect it. If you feel
turtle-like, perhaps you are not
spelling out how uncomfortable you
are for fear of hurting him. Mackenzie
suggests fi nding ways to slow down
and get in sync. It could be listening to
music or having a cup of tea together.
A more structured exercise would
start with just breathing together for
a few minutes, to allow your bodies
and minds to tune into each other.
Let your fi rst words be something
appreciative about each other. When
talking about di cult feelings, use
this format: ‘When you do X, I feel Y
and I want to do Z.’ You could have
this talk facilitated by a counsellor.
The choice is whether you let each
other into your inner worlds. You’ve
known each other long enough to stopplaying polite games. This doesn’t
mean being unkind, but sharing your
vulnerabilities and needs. Part of what
you might want to say is: ‘I love you, I’d
like to reconnect, but it needs to feel
right for me.’ Or, more concretely: ‘If
you do the dishes, we could go for a
walk, hold hands and talk.’ cosrt.org.ukIS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
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Mary at psychologies.co.ukIt sounds as if both of you
are trying to make things
better in your own ways,
but the e ect is creating distance.
Psychosexual therapist Cate
Mackenzie introduced me to the idea
of turtles and octopuses. Octopusesmood which is worse during some
seasons, or in certain types of
weather. The mental health charity
Mind says the underlying reason is
that your brain relies on light hitting
the back of your eye to control sleep,
appetite and mood. Without enough
light, these functions can slow down.
Mind’s free booklet has useful
self-care tips, such as making the
most of natural light by going for
walks and preparing a box of things
you know will comfort you (your
favourite movie or motivational
books) because it can be di cult
to come up with ideas when you’re
already feeling low.I wonder if your feelings are partly
related to the social isolation of being
home alone with a child. If this is
something you’ve chosen, it might be
di cult to acknowledge that adults
need the company of other grown-
ups. I know this from working at
home and I make it a priority to have
at least one conversation in real life,
not online, every day. I also take a
vitamin D supplement in the winter.
Very small things – upbeat music, a
buzzing cafe, or getting outside no
matter the weather can make a huge
di erence to your happiness.
mind.org.uk/media/34727124/sad-2019-pdf-
version.pdfThe feelings you describe
are common enough to have
a name: Seasonal a ective
disorder or SAD is a period of low