psychology
40 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE APRIL 2020fester-or-strike responses. We need to
learn to use irritation constructively.’
So, how do we use irritation the right
way? Sinclair prescribes practising
difusion, a process of paying attention
to thoughts and recognising that they
are just things going on in our mind.Let it linger or let it go?
‘Don’t allow the emotion to control your
mind and body. Step back from it. Ask
yourself if you want to be a person who lets
irritants fester; an angry person, or if you
want to be an assertive but kind person,
or even a more tolerant person. When we
have awareness of our emotions, we can
make better choices about how to respond.’
It’s not a question of not getting riled but
of dealing with irritations in a calm and
conident way, rather than an angry
and niggly one. I’d like to have been the
person on the train who smiled and asked
politely if the headphone wearer could
do something to limit the noise. What
stopped me was worrying that he’d think
I was the grumpy so-and-so my children
complain about when I snap at them for
their persistent failure to put their laundry
in the washing basket – thinking the
loor in its general vicinity is good enough.
The next time I see my daughter drop a
bundle of inside-out clothes on the loor
as she rushes down the stairs, I tell myself
not to let the frustrated thought take hold.
Instead, I make a joke about her poor
hand-eye co-ordination. ‘No wonder youwere never picked for the netball team!’
She responds in good humour, comes
back upstairs and sticks her clothes in the
basket. But it’s not just messy kids and
noisy commuters that seem to irritate
me at the moment. It’s also gum chewers,
people who walk their dogs on really long
leads, social media boasters, colleagues
who take forever answering emails...
‘Some people get irritated by almost
nothing and others virtually everything,’
says Cohen. ‘And yet, we are all subject
to many of the same irritants.’
So why am I not letting stuf wash over
me? ‘Irritation tends to be triggered by
a feeling of vulnerability,’ says Sinclair.
‘This often stems from low self-esteem
or follows a series of diicult life events.’
I can hold my hands up to having had
a diicult year. I’ve lost a parent and two
close friends and there has been a lot of
change both at home and at work. Is that
why my friend posting endless shots of her
amazing holidays irritates me so much,where once they made me smile? Or why
I now want to block the colleague whose
posts about his latest book I used to repost?
‘When you recognise that you are feeling
vulnerable to things that are beyond your
control, you need to treat yourself as a
friend may treat you,’ Sinclair tells me.
‘Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself
that it’s not personal. Give yourself a hug.’A little bit of give and take
I keep his words in mind when, after a
long day, I come home to ind the kitchen
in a mess and teenagers who are mostly
not my own making toast. I bite back the
urge to react and go to the living room to
put into practice Sinclair’s inal piece of
anti-irritation advice: ‘Try to personify
irritation; to create distance from it.
Imagine it as an unwelcome guest. If you
tell them they’re not welcome, they’re more
likely to make a fuss. It’s better to find space
for them and get on with enjoying the party.’
So I try to forget the mess in the kitchen
and the impromptu gathering that will
delay dinner and, instead, I imagine my
irritation sitting in the chair opposite me.
He’s a grumpy old thing, sitting there
snoring, and the thought makes me smile,
as does my son, who comes in with a cup
of tea, tells me his friends are just of and
asks if I’d like him to make dinner.
One nil to me, I think, directing my
thoughts at my imaginary irritation.
No amount of huing and puing from
him would have achieved that result!“
Some people get
irritated by almost
nothing and others
virtually everything.
And yet, we’re all
subjected to many of
the same irritants
“
Time to put those bugbears to bed
Psychologist Michael Sinclair recommends Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT),
a three-step process designed to deal with problematic emotions1
Dif fusion. Pay attention to
your thoughts and recognise that
they are just thoughts and not anything
that anyone is doing to you. Yes, there
may be an external irritant but your
reaction to it is yours – and you can
modify how you react.2
Distance. Describe your
irritation. Give it shape, colour
and form and in doing so create a
sense of distance between yourself
and the emotion. This will also enable
you to make wiser choices about
how you deal with it.3
Kindness. Be kind to yourself.
Acknowledge that something is
irritating you and try to soothe yourself
the way you might soothe someone
else. Breathe slowly or give yourself
a hug; both release oxytocin, which
promotes feelings of wellbeing. ILLUSTRATION: GETTY IMAGES