BBC Focus - 03.2020

WHY ARE WE SO ANGRY? FE ATURE

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HOWTODEALWITH

ANGRYPEOPLE:BYA

HOSTAGENEGOTIATOR

SuzanneWilliamsis a professionalhostagenegotiatorwho

hasworkedwiththeFBIandScotlandYard.Shehascontributed

to the successful resolution of hundreds of kidnaps.

Inhostagenegotiation,wehavea mantra:seekto

understandbeforeyoucanbeunderstood.Thisis truewith

angrypeople,too.First,checkyourownemotion,asit’sthe

onlythingyou’reincontrolof.Don’ttakerudeornegative

commentspersonallyandavoidescalatingyourtoneof

voicetomatchtheotherperson’s.

Allowthemtovent,whilestayingawareofyoursafety.

Beingempatheticwilloftencalmthem,whereastelling

themtorelaxorcalmdownwillnot.Maintaineyecontact,

toshowyou’retakingthisseriously,anddon’tsmile.

Proactivelylistenandtrytounderstandwhattheissue

is.Challengeanythreatscalmly.Don’tsay,“Youwouldn’tdo

that.”Youcansaythingslike,“Pleasedon’tdothat.”Don’t

saythatyouunderstand,asyoudon’tknowwhatelsehas

goneonintheirday.Instead,try:“Soif I understandthis

right...”tovalidateyourunderstandingandtheirconcerns.

Whenyouthinkyou’vegainedsomeunderstanding,try

tocommunicatecalmly.“I seeyourpointofview,”is a good

welcomer,or“Thatmusthavebeenfrustrating.”If culturally

appropriate,usingsomeone’snamecanbea gooddiffuser

because we automatically defer when we hear our names.

ALWAYSON,ALWAYSANGRY

Thetroublewithnon-stopaccessto socialmediaandnewsoutlets

isthatourboundaries,identitiesandvaluescanbeassaulted

wheneverwelookatourphones,turningallofusintotinder

boxes.“Youcouldsaythatpeoplearechronicallywoundup,”

saysBalick.He likensthisnarrowingof our marginsof tolerance

towhathappenswhenwe’redriving.“You’reina stateofmild

orhighstress,soif someonepullsoutinfrontofyou,you’re

morelikelytoscreamoutofthewindow.Whereasif you’reina

relativelycalmstate,andthesamestimulushappens,youhavea

thresholdto notletit getto you.Peoplewhoareexposedto angry

socialmediatendto havelessmarginto containtheiranger,too.”

Balick has a special interest in social media, having

psychoanalysedonlinebehaviourforhisbook,ThePsychodynamics

OfSocialNetworking. Accordingto Balick,anonymityis a bigpart

of onlineanger,withpeoplebeingmorelikelyto useanonymous

accountsonTwitterthanFacebook,“You’remuchmorelikelyto

throwoutrageandanger,particularlyif youhaveananonymised

account,”he says.Similarly,the relativeanonymityand security

ofbeinginourcarscanbegetshockinglyabusivebehaviour,

highlightingjusthowbadlybehavedwehave the capacity to be

whenwethinkwecangetawaywithit.

Thepowerof anonymitywasshownina famousexperimentin

1970 byDrPhilipZimbardo,nowemeritusprofessorof psychology

at StanfordUniversity.Femalestudentswereaskedto administer

electricshockstootherstudents,butsomeoftheshockershad

theiridentitieshiddenwithhoodsandpoorlight.Noprizesfor

guessing which group administered twice as many shocks as the 2

DrAaronBalicklikens

beingonTwittertodriving.

Whenyou’realreadyina

stateofmildstress,you’re

more likely to get angry