MARY FENWICK is a writer,
speaker and executive coach; she’s
also a mother, divorcee and widow.
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go to maryfenwick.comOur agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, o ers a new
perspective on whatever is troubling youMy lifelong friend
is ghosting me
I met my best friend when we were babies. We are now in our
mid 40s and our friendship has survived, despite decades
living on di erent continents. We both felt like it would last
forever. However, about two years ago, my friend became
distant. She did not answer some of my texts and her phone
calls became less frequent. I worried that I was to blame: I had gone through
a few tough times and a divorce, and I assumed that I had monopolised the
conversation too often. I wrote my friend a long letter apologising about
that, and we resumed our, now slightly chipped, friendship. She o ered
once to explain why she had distanced herself, but I didn’t want her to have
to justify herself, so I replied that there was no need. In hindsight, perhaps
I should have listened to what she had to say.
After a short time, our contact dwindled again. I’m torn between sadness,
acceptance and moving on, which is di cult when you don’t know why a
relationship has changed, worry that she’s not well and anger that my friend
is blanking me. I don’t know how to handle the situation. Should I ask her
what is wrong and risk rejection, or should I let her go? Name supplied‘‘
‘‘
I suggest dealing with this
on two levels at the same
time – a practical one
of trying to understand
what happened, while letting go of
judgment about how it may pan out.
The opportunity for understanding is
focused on whatever caused the rift last
time. That’s the hole in your narrative,
which makes it di cult to know where
to start. Although you intended it as a
kindness, the e ect was to deny your
friend an opportunity to confi de in
you and say what she needed to say.It’s unromantic, but sociologists
pinpoint three main factors in how we
form friendships: proximity, repeated
contact and sharing vulnerabilities. One
researcher says, “‘Can I talk to you for
a minute?” may be the words you say
to someone who is about to become a
friend.’ It sounds as if you blocked that
unintentionally. One option now is: ‘I
wish I had listened when you wanted to
talk to me about our distance. I’d love
to listen, but I don’t want you to feel you
have to justify anything. Our friendship
is important to me, even if it’s changed.’Accepting that change is where you
could focus anyway. I’ve been following
a guided meditation series called ‘Free
yourself from blame and resentment’.
It’s available for free on the Insight
Timer app or website. Teacher
Tara Brach o ers this defi nition of
forgiveness: never putting another
person or ourselves out of our heart.
The most likely explanation is a
misunderstanding, and maybe both
of you have simply changed in ways
you can’t explain, even to yourselves.
A friendship that’s lasted four decades
might allow some years of going your
separate ways. If you fi nd yourselves in
the same room again, maybe that time
won’t matter as much as you think it will.
insighttimer.com/meditation-courses/course_
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